Divorce Relief: What to Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Q. “I am challenged by wondering all the time about what my soon-to- be ex-spouse is thinking or doing, and most agonizingly sad, who is is with?

A. Separation and divorce is a bumpy road and it takes some time, dedicated effort and great tools to help get through to the other side. You are not alone is having part of your mind get on a frustrating hamster wheel of wondering about your ex. Our brain can get like a dog on a bone, chewing endlessly (often in the middle of the night) with a litany of questions like:

Is he as sad as I’m feeling?

Is he regretting his choices?

Is he healing faster than I am and what is wrong with me that I still feel grief?

Has he moved on in love, and who is he with? What is she like? How do I compare to her?

Divorce, even if you’re the one who initiated, is still a shock to your emotional system. The brain wants to make sense of it all, so it starts to seek and scan for answers. Our egos want to compare and judge – who is “winning the race” for getting through the pain and over the divorce first. It’s simply a natural way our sense of self-identity gets constructed.

It is important to realize excessive speculating and wondering is actually a distraction from your own healing journey. Here are some ways you can break the pattern and stop fixating on your ex….

Keep a journal and write out all the questions you have running around in your head. Like taking the lid off a boiling pot of water releases the pressure, journaling your worry thoughts will help them to dissipate more quickly. You get to see your questions from a more objective perspective.

Sometimes we let our attention wander and get ourselves stuck in the past is because we don’t have a clear vision for our future after divorce. Do some work to help create your road map through your divorce. The award-winning Divorce Resource Kit to has questions, exercises and guided meditations that can help you chart your course for your future.

It’s also important to keep your focus on what you actually have control and influence over, such as your own thoughts, words and actions. Diverting your energy to anyone else instead of your own process of understanding the deeper spiritual lessons that are available through your divorce is a distraction. Take responsibility for what you can change and learn, and let the rest go.

© 2012 Carolyn B. Ellis


Transitions: 3 Strategies to Make Transitions Smoother and Easier

Are you on the threshold of a transition in your life somewhere? As we move from where we are to where we want to go, we go through different kinds of transitions and changes along the way. Perhaps you’re leaving an old job to start your own business. Or the nest is emptying as your children start independent lives outside the family home. Anyone who has experienced the end of a love relationship, knows that transition state of from being part of a couple to being a single person.

Transitions are a tough stage for most people. Whether by choice or by circumstance, transitions thrust us out of our comfort zone into the unknown and that feels really uncomfortable. It takes courage and commitment to keep moving ahead. Our fears and self-doubts kick into overdrive. Transition and change are inevitable realities, yet I believe there are strategies we can use so we can navigate these important choice points with more grace, confidence and ease.

Here are 3 strategies to use when you find yourself in a place of life transition.

1. Remember There Is A Greater Purpose

A great role model in nature of the power and beauty of transition is the butterfly. As Buckminster Fuller said “There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.” Times of transitions can be mysterious, but they are important times when we can learn… Continue reading

Transition to a Brilliant New Year: 5 Brilliant Questions to Ask

In a world that is fast-moving and filled with challenge, something we can always count on is change. It seems that most people are in a state of transition nowadays. I see this with my clients, with my colleagues and with myself as well. There is a transition in my business, as I shift the kinds of programs I’m offering and the clients I serve. There’s a transition in my family too. With my daughter away at university, there’s been a big shift in the landscape on the homefront for me and the boys.

Equipping yourself for transition is something that deserves your time and attention. To get where you want to go and thrive in life, you’ve got to be in the driver’s seat of your life – hands on the wheel, eyes open and looking forward. It’s a time to review and see what worked well, and what didn’t. What have you said “Yes” to that you now need to say “No” to so you can create space for what is to come? It’s a time to identify and implement any mid-course corrections you need.

To create your brilliant 2010, I’d like to offer these 5 Brilliant questions.

1. What Do I Need?

What are your core needs? As Maslow articulated in his “Hierarchy of Needs”, until we address our basic survival and security needs, we won’t be able to …. Continue reading

Embracing Change, Part 2: 4 Keys to Unleash Your Brilliance

I love the word brilliance! It makes me think of a diamond, that beautiful, multi-faceted precious gem that we all appreciate and covet. Diamonds are so valued. Not only are they beautiful, but they are strong enough to cut glass. Yet the journey of becoming a brilliant diamond is not a pretty one.

Let me share the story of how a diamond is formed. It happens through an important process of change that is called “perturbation.” Essentially, diamonds actually start off as a dark, misshapen lump of coal. Definitely nothing you’d want to wear as jewelry! Over time, the coal is “exposed to incredible pressure and force, or “perturbed.” Initially, the structure of the coal allows it to pass the energy of the forces it is facing through. But as the pressure builds up, the original cellular structure of the coal can’t handle the increased force. The carbon starts to transform. The coal evolves structurally and becomes a diamond that is capable of handling the increased stress and tension. Continue reading

Embracing Change, Part 1: 3 Tips to Find Grace and Flow

If there’s anything you can count on in the world today, it’s change. Relationships, careers, health, finances, where you live, how we communicate – every aspect of life is subject to change and evolution. The key question is whether you can embrace change and evolve and thrive in the process.

The speed and magnitude of change in today’s world is undeniable. I know I’m dating myself here, but let me give you an example. I remember being excited about the innovation of a special “type ball” for my typewriter that allowed me to write using different fonts (one “type ball” per font, of course, so I only had two)!  Now I can write with my computer, change the fonts to anything I want in a nanosecond and share my writing with thousands of people around the world in a matter of minutes.

One of my favorite authors, Neale Donald Walsh, has written a wonderful new book on this subject called When Everything Changes, Change Everything. As he observes, “You’re not going to stop change from happening simply by not making any changes yourself. All you’ll do is stop change from happening the way you want it to happen.”

Many people get stuck and resist change. Why? …. Continue reading