Divorce Relief: What to Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Q. “I am challenged by wondering all the time about what my soon-to- be ex-spouse is thinking or doing, and most agonizingly sad, who is is with?

A. Separation and divorce is a bumpy road and it takes some time, dedicated effort and great tools to help get through to the other side. You are not alone is having part of your mind get on a frustrating hamster wheel of wondering about your ex. Our brain can get like a dog on a bone, chewing endlessly (often in the middle of the night) with a litany of questions like:

Is he as sad as I’m feeling?

Is he regretting his choices?

Is he healing faster than I am and what is wrong with me that I still feel grief?

Has he moved on in love, and who is he with? What is she like? How do I compare to her?

Divorce, even if you’re the one who initiated, is still a shock to your emotional system. The brain wants to make sense of it all, so it starts to seek and scan for answers. Our egos want to compare and judge – who is “winning the race” for getting through the pain and over the divorce first. It’s simply a natural way our sense of self-identity gets constructed.

It is important to realize excessive speculating and wondering is actually a distraction from your own healing journey. Here are some ways you can break the pattern and stop fixating on your ex….

Keep a journal and write out all the questions you have running around in your head. Like taking the lid off a boiling pot of water releases the pressure, journaling your worry thoughts will help them to dissipate more quickly. You get to see your questions from a more objective perspective.

Sometimes we let our attention wander and get ourselves stuck in the past is because we don’t have a clear vision for our future after divorce. Do some work to help create your road map through your divorce. The award-winning Divorce Resource Kit to has questions, exercises and guided meditations that can help you chart your course for your future.

It’s also important to keep your focus on what you actually have control and influence over, such as your own thoughts, words and actions. Diverting your energy to anyone else instead of your own process of understanding the deeper spiritual lessons that are available through your divorce is a distraction. Take responsibility for what you can change and learn, and let the rest go.

© 2012 Carolyn B. Ellis


Leadership: The One Person You Absolutely MUST Lead

Being a brilliant entrepreneur, a brilliant mom or a brilliant partner requires one thing. To succeed we need to be able to calls forth the best of ourselves every day and in every way.

As the leader of your life, there are so many people who look to you to take their cues: your clients, your children, your partner, your colleagues, and your neighbors. Mompreneurs in particular are often caught trying to find that elusive balance between work and family, between joyful creation and stressful chaos.

But the true test of leadership is this – are you practicing your own internal leadership? Would you be inspired, motivated and decide to follow yourself?

One of my teachers used to say that the first person you must learn to lead is yourself. Attending management courses and reading the very finest leadership literature is good, but the greatest arena for learning about powerful and lasting leadership is … within yourself.

Having a strong and resilient emotional foundation is a key ingredient to one’s success and impact. So I believe we must always be willing to do our own emotional homework to ensure that this internal foundation is strong enough to hold the business we desire.

Here are some tips to help you diagnose and up-level your self-leadership!

1.  Do an Integrity Check

Do a scan of your life to see if there are areas where what you are doing is different than what you are saying. Are there places where things feel out of integrity? Are you tolerating things that are incomplete? Are you walking your talk? It might be finishing up a product, making a call you’ve been avoiding, or letting clutter overwhelm your office. This scan will tell you where you have the opportunity to recommit to the leadership of your life. Write them down and come up with a plan to tackle these areas that are energetically eroding your leadership.

2.  Get in the Driver’s Seat

It’s tough to lead your life, let alone a business, if you allow other people to be in the driver’s seat. Self-leadership requires you to take responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions. When you’re in the driver’s seat of your life, you get to decide where you’re going, the route you’re going to take, and how fast you want to drive to get there. Yet sometimes we subtly concede that driver’s seat position to others – a spouse, our children, a business partner, a demanding client, or a parent, to name a few examples.

3. Perfection is Not Required, Shifting is

Don’t forget that we’re all human, and we definitely make mistakes. So even if you see there are areas where your ability to lead yourself isn’t what you want it to be, don’t despair! Perfection is not required in order to move forward to unleash your brilliance. Self-awareness and a consistent choice to shift out of limiting behaviors or patterns is. Being able to see what’s not working and shift it quickly, and with confidence, is critical so your true brilliance can shine brightly in the world. Learning to lead yourself with confidence and ease is the goal.

© 2011-2012 Carolyn B. Ellis All Rights Reserved

Speaking The Truth: Debunking 3 Popular Myths

Do you ever find yourself biting your tongue, and reluctant to speak your truth? Does the idea of giving others your honest feedback make you cringe inside? Imagine a situation where you are working with others on a project and things are going along just fine. Yet you feel like there is a whole other level of excellence you could be going for together. Do you speak up even if your team members don’t want to hear it? Or do you just shrug your shoulders and figure the results you’ll get are “good enough” so why risk rocking the boat?

Being able to speak the truth isn’t always the easiest thing to do. Telling the truth requires a certain amount of courage. To thrive in life, making a commitment to living in your truth is well worth taking. Telling the truth in relationships might end up saving more relationships, and bring them to a greater level of intimacy and authenticity in the process. Telling the truth in our careers can lead to discovering new ways to express one’s true purpose and joy on the professional front.

Yet there are some common beliefs out there that can stop us from speaking the truth. Here are three common myths and how you can bust through them to a new level of truth-telling that the world seems to be in great need of these days. … Continue reading

August 18 THRIVE Call – Love, Relationships & Making it All Work

Are you wondering if it’s possible to find true love?

How do you know if your current or potential partner is even compatible with you?

Join me on Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific for our monthly THRIVE Community call. Our topic will be “Love, Relationships and Making It All Work.” I’ll be interviewing my special guest expert, Larry Michel of Match Matrix. They’ve helped thousand of people create ideal relationships using specific tools that assess compatibility based on core energetic patterns.

Registration is F*ree. All you need to do is visit:  www.AskThriveAfterDivorce.com

So if you’re ready to get your most burning questions answered, you won’t want to miss this call.

Call-in details will be emailed to you when you register.

I look forward to hearing you on the call!

Moving On When Your Heart isn’t Ready

Q. “The thing that is most challenging for me is finding the motivation to pick up the pieces and move forward in a positive direction when I’m still holding on to the thought that we will get back together.”

A. It’s a tough place to be when your head knows your relationship is over, but your heart doesn’t want it to be. Disentangling yourself emotionally from a love relationship takes time. It takes doing some internal emotional housekeeping before you’ll feel the desire to move ahead.

I know from personal experience that it’s not easy to move ahead when you still hope for a reconciliation. But at some point you need to look to see what you get out of living in that fantasy. Continue reading