Divorce Relief: What to Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Q. “I am challenged by wondering all the time about what my soon-to- be ex-spouse is thinking or doing, and most agonizingly sad, who is is with?

A. Separation and divorce is a bumpy road and it takes some time, dedicated effort and great tools to help get through to the other side. You are not alone is having part of your mind get on a frustrating hamster wheel of wondering about your ex. Our brain can get like a dog on a bone, chewing endlessly (often in the middle of the night) with a litany of questions like:

Is he as sad as I’m feeling?

Is he regretting his choices?

Is he healing faster than I am and what is wrong with me that I still feel grief?

Has he moved on in love, and who is he with? What is she like? How do I compare to her?

Divorce, even if you’re the one who initiated, is still a shock to your emotional system. The brain wants to make sense of it all, so it starts to seek and scan for answers. Our egos want to compare and judge – who is “winning the race” for getting through the pain and over the divorce first. It’s simply a natural way our sense of self-identity gets constructed.

It is important to realize excessive speculating and wondering is actually a distraction from your own healing journey. Here are some ways you can break the pattern and stop fixating on your ex….

Keep a journal and write out all the questions you have running around in your head. Like taking the lid off a boiling pot of water releases the pressure, journaling your worry thoughts will help them to dissipate more quickly. You get to see your questions from a more objective perspective.

Sometimes we let our attention wander and get ourselves stuck in the past is because we don’t have a clear vision for our future after divorce. Do some work to help create your road map through your divorce. The award-winning Divorce Resource Kit to has questions, exercises and guided meditations that can help you chart your course for your future.

It’s also important to keep your focus on what you actually have control and influence over, such as your own thoughts, words and actions. Diverting your energy to anyone else instead of your own process of understanding the deeper spiritual lessons that are available through your divorce is a distraction. Take responsibility for what you can change and learn, and let the rest go.

© 2012 Carolyn B. Ellis

 

Divorce: Communicating with the Ex

Q. “I need help being able to communicate with my ex-spouse. Everything seems to get bogged down into arguments these days.”

A. Learning how to communicate effectively with an ex-spouse is one of the biggest hurdles there is out there. Clearly if you’re co-parenting your children, your ability to be able to work through the day-to-day decisions that come up affecting them is critical to your children having the ability to thrive after divorce. Learning how to establish a new kind of relationship with your ex is one of the divorce puzzle pieces I teach about in my award-winning product, The Divorce Resource Kit. From soup to nuts, with checklists and even a template for how to have an effective discussion with your ex, I highly recommend you check that resource out and save yourself heartache and time.

Allow me to share a few tips here. First, if you’re co-parenting you’ll need to set healthy boundaries. If you’re co-parenting with your ex, try to develop more of a business partner relationship with each other. Be willing to set healthy boundaries so you… Continue reading

Success Ingredients: 3 Lessons I Learned from “Rent”

Musical theater is one of my true loves. I had the absolute joy recently of seeing the Broadway tour of the musical “Rent” with my children when it came to my hometown. This award-winning rock musical, written by the late Jonathan Larson, has captivated me since it first came out about 15 years ago. Not only do I find the music beautiful and moving, but its message of love and living with an attitude of “No day but today” completely resonates with me.

This is the 5th time I’ve seen it, yet this particular production was one of the most powerful theater experiences I’ve ever had. How could it be that I was so captivated and engaged? After all, I know the music, lyrics, plot, seen the show a number of times, and seen the movie quite a few times too! I had thought it had the potential of “been there, done that, bought the T-shirt” and I prepared myself for what I thought would be a simply pleasant event. Yet the experience was so moving, fresh and… Continue reading

Divorce: What to Do When You Didn’t See It Coming

Q. “My husband said he was unhappy in our marriage for years. Now, he wants a divorce. I can’t understand how I couldn’t have seen this coming!”

A. One person wants a divorce and the other person feels blindsided by the decision. This is a tricky, yet not uncommon, situation. There is definitely a lot for you to look at if your perceptions were so significantly different than your spouse’s. But the first step for you to start to look more deeply at this situation is to put down your bat of self-criticism and judgment. As one of my spiritual teachers says, we must love ourselves forward. When you go through a heartache like divorce, we add salt to the wounds when we let our negative inner dialogue rule our emotional process. Be with your sadness and grief about the relationship ending, but it won’t serve… Continue reading

The Year of….

Setting a theme for your year can be fun and a very useful strategy to your success this year. Each holiday season for at least the past 20 years, I’ve carefully selected my theme, and this year was no exception. In a minute, I’ll share it with you. (I’m so excited about it I can barely keep myself from spilling it to you now!)

But first, here are a few pointers to selecting a good theme and then some examples from my own life about how to make a theme work for you.

Your theme:

• Will serve you best when it comes from your big picture and vision
• Should excite or inspire you
• Should stretch you
• Should be kept to a simple, memorable phrase

Continue reading

My Ex Tells My Kids I Don’t Love Them

Q. My children mean everything to me. I have always had a great relationship with them…how do I maintain a healthy relationship with my children when their mother tells them that divorcing her proves I do not love them?

A. It is a sad reality that children get caught in the emotional cross-fire between their parents in a divorce situation. While I think society has made huge gains in terms of creating more civilized divorces and supporting the ability of children to have healthy relationships with both there parents, hearing a story like yours still makes my heart sink. Your ex-wife is obviously still in emotional pain but your kids will be the one to pay the price until the grown-ups are willing and able to get their emotional homework done outside the parenting arena.

For starters, I highly recommend both you and your ex-wife read a copy of my award-winning book, The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce. Telling your kids because daddy doesn’t love his kids because he divorced mommy is a classic case of Pitfall #5: Not Putting Your Children First in action. There are some very important principles and ways to immediately break free of …. Continue reading

Relationship Repeats: Picking the Wrong Person, Yet Again

Q. “I seem to pick the wrong guys to have relationships with, so I am wondering if there is any hope I will meet the right person and actually know it?”

A. This is a great question and believe me there are many folks out there asking the same thing! It’s wonderful that you noticed that there’s a pattern going on with you choosing to be with the “wrong guys.” After all, in every failed relationship, the common denominator is always us! But rest assured, there is absolutely hope for you and the fact you put this question out there like that means you’re already on your way!

Here’s a few things I’m going to recommend you do. It’s critical to do your own emotional homework. People set themselves up Continue reading

Divorce Resource Kit — Promotion ends Tonight

I hope you had a great long weekend! No matter how old my children get, they still love a good Easter egg hunt. (And I enjoy it too!)

Learning how to thrive after divorce is a different kind of Easter egg hunt. But the stakes are far higher than chocolate eggs. You’re hunting for solutions to your finances, how to parent your children after divorce, creating new relationships, finding your emotional balance again and dealing with your ex instead.

With the Divorce Resource Kit, you will literally shave years off your learning curve and thousands of dollars by starting off your “hunt” with a road map that shows you how to thrive after divorce.

Check out the short video I created to learn more here:

===> http://tinyurl.com/d4q3y2

But your chance to invest in this life-changing Divorce Resource Kit for a savings of $200 as part of my birthday celebration ends at midnight, TONIGHT — Monday, April 13. After that time, it will go back to its regular price.

I’m making it easy for you too! There’s an easy 3-pay installment option so your cash flow doesn’t take a big hit. Plus, I’m taking all the risk because I offer a 60-day, no questions asked guarantee.

There’s only a handful of Kits available at this special promotional price, so you need to act quickly!

Remember, the sale ends at midnight tonight!

Breaking Relationship Patterns

Q.“How do I change my pattern of always getting involved with the same type of person?”

A.The common denominator in a series of less-than-satisfactory relationships is the person who is choosing to get into them over and over again. You’ve recognized that this is your pattern and knowledge is power. With awareness and a willingness to take responsibility for your choices you absolutely have the opportunity to break this pattern.

The most important thing you must do is your own emotional homework. This requires honestly answering some … Continue reading

Love and Romance: 5 Ways to Sabotage Your Most Important Love Relationship

Love is in the air particularly in February, whipped up by Hallmark Cards, rose sellers and chocolate vendors for the impending Valentine’s Day frenzy. How are you feeling about it? Valentine’s Day has become a milestone by which most people stop and take stock of the loving relationships they have.

Last year I entered Valentine season with dread. My heart was still aching and devastated in the aftermath of … Continue reading