Thrive After Divorce
Thrive News February 1, 2007
In This Issue

Dear Friend,

It’s been a whirlwind of a launch for us here at Thrive After Divorce!  I held my first THRIVE Principles™ teleclass on January 17 and it was amazing! We had callers from Ontario, all over the US and even one caller from Beijing, China!  The power of technology to bring people together like that for a common purpose is incredible. If you weren’t able to join in this free call, I’m leading another one on February 13.

February can be a tricky month for separated and divorced individuals. The Valentine season can be an opportunity to bring up old wounds, whether you’re in a new relationship or not.  I’ll share my thoughts and strategies with you in my feature article, “Be Your Own Valentine”.

The landscape of divorce can feel very unfamiliar, so is there a burning question you have that you’d like to get answered? This ezine will feature a regular “Ask Thrive After Divorce” column. I take questions from my readers and clients and give you some straight, no-nonsense advice.  If you have a question, please go to Ask Thrive and I’ll do my best to answer it in upcoming issues! 

Thank you so much for choosing to be a part of our growing THRIVE community!  When you make that choice to thrive, miracles will unfold. 

I see you Thriving!

Carolyn
Carolyn, Founder
Thrive After Divorce

 

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What Are You Thinking?

As soon as the calendar flips to February, the hype and commercialism for Valentine’s Day goes into overdrive. Roses appear on every street corner. Ads promoting lingerie and jewelry appear everywhere you look.  Chocolates in heart-shaped boxes festoon the drugstore aisles. For separated and divorced individuals, the Valentine’s Day ritual often brings up some old wounds

If you are single, there’s nothing like a culture apparently gaga over coupledom to make you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb.  Even if you’re happy in a new relationship, the romance of Valentine’s Day can still bring up those ghosts of your former partner, along with the hopes and dreams you once shared together.  For many folks post-divorce, Valentine’s Day isn’t necessarily a bed of roses.  It can be an occasion when you’re looking for love and appreciation from others, and there’s no guarantee you’ll get it.  Is there an Ultimate Valentine out there who will always love you?

I believe there is a very special person who is always available to be your Valentine, 365 days of the year and not just when Hallmark says so. Can you guess who that is? Yup – it’s you!

What if this year we made the commitment to be our own Valentine. Being your own Valentine means  making the decision to love, accept and acknowledge yourself on a daily basis.  If you’re not willing to fully love and respect yourself, who will?  Take on some of my favorite strategies and see what can open up in your life when you make the commitment to be your own Valentine.

Be Your Own Valentine Strategies

  1. Start each morning by asking yourself, “What would I need to do today to be loving and accepting of myself?”  Just listen for the answer. Make sure it’s something specific and measurable, so when you go to sleep at night you can know that you’ve done it.

  2. Write out on pieces of papers a variety of treats or activities you could do in a short period of time that you’d like to give yourself and put them in a Valentine jar. Once a week (or once a day), pick something from the jar and just do it. If you’ve had a particularly hard day, you could use this to boost your mood. The activities could include:
    • personal care – e.g. get a pedicure, do a deep-moisturizing masque
    • rejuvenating activities – e.g. go on a special walk; take a yoga class, get together with a friend
    • making requests e.g. order take-out; hire a babysitter to give you some free time
    • practical things – e.g. take 5 minutes to clean up the TV cabinet, make a phone call you’ve been avoiding. (Yes, these things makes you feel good!)

  3. Create a mantra you can use when your inner negative dialogue is acting up. You could try “Thanks for sharing!”, “I can love myself even when I’m afraid or when I make a mistake!”. Come up with one that works best for you.

  4. Celebrate all of your successes, no matter how large or small!  As the saying goes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Let’s not minimize that first step. How about hooting and hollering about how great it is that you can be your own Valentine. Daily written self-acknowledgments (of at least 5-10 things) are some of the best Valentine wishes you’ll ever receive.

©2007 Carolyn B. Ellis

 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement with it: Author and coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the founder of Thrive After Divorce Inc. Through educational products, coaching and trainings, the company helps separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache.  She is the author of the forthcoming, “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid So Your Children Thrive After Divorce.”  If you want simple life-changing tips for single parenting, visit www.thriveafterdivorce.com to receive a FREE report now.

Next Steps

February 13, 2007 Teleseminar
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Does that sound familiar? Would you like to learn how to adopt a new mindset so you thrive in 2007? Join me for a FREE 60 minute teleseminar to learn the THRIVE Principles™. Once you learn them, you’ll become unstoppable! 

     When: Wednesday, February 13, 2007 6 pm pacific; 9 pm eastern
     To Register: Click here

Pre-Publication Special Offer
Want to know the most common mistakes single parents make after divorce and how to avoid them? Want to learn about the THRIVE Principles™ and how to use them to overcome any challenge successfully, every time? You’ll find the answers in my new book, “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What To Avoid So Your Children Thrive After Divorce” is due to be published by this spring. If you’d like to receive the ebook version of the book for 25% off the cover price, please click here to join our pre-publication list. We’ll send you the details about the ebook as soon as it’s finalized (likely within 6 weeks).

Ask Thrive

Q. My ex and I have been divorced now for 18 months. We grew up together so we have a lot of mutual friends. I get annoyed when friends or family members ask me how my ex is doing. What should I say when they ask?

A. It sounds like your family and friends are used to viewing you and your ex as a couple. Asking how your ex is doing may just be part of their habitual behavior, but now that you’re divorced those old habits can start to grate on your nerves. Just as it takes time for you to adjust your self-identify from being “part of a couple” to “being divorced”, it takes them time too. This question can also be a subtle invitation to begin gossiping about your ex, which is not an optimal use of your time and energy. I would encourage you to start to train these people to recognize the new configuration by setting some boundaries. Next time someone asks you how your ex is doing, you can politely, but firmly, tell them “I don’t really know. We’re not together anymore. Why don’t you ask him?”

WANT TO ASK A QUESTION?
Ask your question, in confidence, by clicking here or you may email us at askthrive@thriveafterdivorce.com. We’ll answer your question in upcoming issues!

Thrive Recommends

Mom's House, Dad's HouseMom's House, Dad's HouseIsolina Ricci’s “Mom’s House, Dad’s House: A Complete Guide for Parents who are Separated, Divorced or Remarried” is a classic and powerful reference guide for divorcing parents going through the logistics of the separation and was first published in 1980. Including schedules, parenting plans, how to take care of yourself, communicating with your ex and blended families. Now Ricci has taken her wealth of knowledge and written a version specifically for children, called “Mom’s House, Dad’s House for Kids: Feeling at Home in One Home or Two”. Written in easy and accessible language, the book will help to empower and demystify the divorce process for your children.

About Carolyn

Carolyn B. Ellis is the Founder of Thrive After Divorce, Inc.  A Harvard University graduate, Carolyn is also a Certified Master Integrative Coach™, Teleclass Leader and the first Canadian to be certified as a Spiritual Divorce Coach. She is also a part-time staff member of the Institute for Integrative Coaching at John F. Kennedy University in San Francisco, CA, and has been trained personally by its founder, NY Times best-selling author Debbie Ford. Her book, "The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid so Your Children Thrive After Divorce" will be published in early 2007. Her three amazing school age children and bouncy labradoodle dog are her daily sources of inspiration and joy.

 

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