Thrive After Divorce
Thrive News January 18, 2007
In This Issue

Dear Friend,

It’s the start of a brand-new year and there’s something very exciting and fresh about new beginnings. This is the inaugural issue of my new, bi-weekly Thrive After Divorce ezine. It’s been five years now that I’ve been divorced and, quite frankly, I’m astonished at the many miracles that have taken place in my life since then.  Seeing the confidence, self-expression and vibrancy of my three children (ages 15, 12 and 9), I have daily proof of my blessings.  It may sound odd, but I feel that that my divorce has been the greatest gift of my life. I don’t regret a minute of the journey, even those many frustrated, sad and angry moments I’ve had.

My goal is to create a community and a mindset where separated and divorced individuals can come together to connect, to get support and to learn how to THRIVE after divorce.  In this ezine, and with my new company, Thrive After Divorce, Inc., I’ve learned strategies and secrets along the way and I plan to share them with you. This way you don’t have to re-invent the wheel as you re-invent yourself after divorce!

Each issue will be packed with insight, information and tools, presented in a way that is bite-sized and can work with your busy schedule. There’s the “Ask Thrive After Divorce” column, where you can ask for advice about how to navigate the post-divorce life successfully.  I’ll keep you up-to-date on products, classes and teleseminars with experts that who can support you further. I’ll also be sharing some of my favorite resources with you.  Please visit my blog and share your comments and views with me there.

Thank you for being a part of this community! I look forward to being on this journey together with you.

I see you Thriving!

Carolyn
Carolyn, Founder
Thrive After Divorce

 

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Volume 1, Issue 1

Thrive News is published bi-weekly.

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What Are You Thinking?

After you separate or divorce, the most important tool you have at your disposal is your mindset. What are you thinking? What are you telling yourself? Is your goal to “survive” your divorce? Do you feel like you’re a failure or “damaged goods”? Your thoughts have a powerful impact on your reality. (We’ll talk more about the Law of Attraction in upcoming issues!)

For me and my three school-age children, I decided that to simply “survive” my divorce would be setting the bar way too low. Instead, I wanted all of us to THRIVE and blossom. I believe we’re never given more than we can handle. I was open to learning the lessons life was teaching me in this relationship breakdown. I didn’t want to stay stuck in anger or fear. I most certainly didn’t want to have to repeat this experience again either!

Getting divorced made me realize how programmed I had been to my own negative internal dialogue. There’s nothing like having a 20-year relationship crumble to turn up the volume on the internal, self-critical thoughts I’d been carrying around my whole life, but never really noticed before. I realized that a very important tool we all have (and don’t use enough) is the power to choose our thoughts.

Dr. Lee Pulos, noted clinical psychologist at the University of British Columbia, estimates that we self-talk between 150-300 words per minute. That works out to an astonishing 45,000-50,000 thoughts per day! He estimates that the average person can only last for about 11 seconds without some kind of self-talk. For many of us, a lot of that self-talk is negative – particularly when we’ve experienced some kind of set-back, like a separation or divorce. Dr. Pulos asserts people put themselves in a “waking hypnosis” with this incessant stream of negative self-talk. We’re literally laying down programming in our consciousness that beats us up and sets us up for failure and dissatisfaction.

How do you break-out of the negative self-hypnosis cycle? Here are some easy strategies to get you started:

1.   You Don’t Have to Know
Your mind can only know what it has already known or experienced. Life offers us possibilities much broader than we can possibly “know,” if we’re open to seeing them. You don’t know what you don’t know. And that is good news! All you need is a willingness to stay open and learn from your mis-steps and you’ll be amazed at your sense of relief when you don’t have to “know” every single thing. Get curious and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?”

2.   Tune into Your Inner Dialogue
Awareness is the critical ingredient to building a more empowering mindset. Break the state of “waking hypnosis” and choose new thoughts that support you. It might require some practice, but it is a conscious choice you can make. If you hear your inner critic getting nasty with you, simply say “Thank you for sharing!” or “Sure, but I deserve to have a great life anyway!” Try walking around with a notebook and jot down some of the dialogue you hear in your head. You may be shocked at the results!

3.   Take A Baby Step
So you’ve broken a promise to yourself or fallen back into some old habits you don’t like? First, be willing to forgive yourself. What is one concrete step you could take right now to take you in the direction you want to go? Find something specific and measurable you could act upon right now. Maybe you need to cut yourself some slack, or find an accountability partner to keep you on the straight and narrow. The energy and confidence you’ll feel from accomplishing that one step, no matter how big or small, will be great fuel to get you started.

© 2007 Carolyn B. Ellis

 

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete statement with it: Author and coach, Carolyn B. Ellis, is the founder of Thrive After Divorce Inc. Through educational products, coaching and trainings, the company helps separated and divorced individuals improve relationships, increase self-confidence and save time and heartache. She is the author of the forthcoming, “The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid So Your Children Thrive After Divorce.” If you want simple, life-changing tips for single parenting, visit www.thriveafterdivorce.com to receive a FREE report now.

Next Steps

February 13, 2007 Teleseminar
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. Does that sound familiar? Would you like to learn how to adopt a new mindset so you thrive in 2007? Join me for a FREE 60 minute teleseminar to learn the THRIVE Principles™. Once you learn them, you’ll become unstoppable! 

     When: Wednesday, February 13, 2007 6 pm pacific; 9 pm eastern
     To Register: Click here

Pre-Publication Special Offer
Want to know the most common mistakes single parents make after divorce and how to avoid them? Want to learn about the THRIVE Principles™ and how to use them to overcome any challenge successfully, every time? You’ll find the answers in my new book, The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What To Avoid So Your Children Thrive After Divorce. The book is due to be published this spring. If you’d like to receive the ebook version of the book for 25% off the cover price, please click here to join our pre-publication list. We’ll send you the details about the ebook as soon as it’s finalized (likely within 6 weeks).

Ask Thrive

Q. I find the holidays really hard now that I’m separated. It’s tough not being with my children all the time, especially when it used to be such a special family time for us. I feel sad and at a loss somehow. What should I do?

A. Special occasions, such as Christmas or Hanukah, school vacation times and birthdays, can be difficult for families who are separated or divorced. That’s why it’s important that you pre-plan how you’ll spend the time so you, your ex and your children are prepared. Being a single parent is a whole new ballgame, so take the opportunity to start some new family traditions. Get your children’s input on that and make it a family undertaking. If you’re going to be alone for some of the holiday, redefine "family" to include friends and special people in your life and make plans to be with them. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need from others, whether it’s a check-in phone call or a movie partner. Realize that it’s OK to be sad or lonely and let yourself have a good cry or spill out your thoughts or fears into your journal. It’s important to allow yourself to feel your feelings. The more you resist your emotions or try to stuff them inside, the longer your healing process is likely to take.

WANT TO ASK A QUESTION?
Ask your question, in confidence, by clicking here or you may email us at askthrive@thriveafterdivorce.com. We’ll answer your question in upcoming issues!

Thrive Recommends

Spiritual DivorceSpiritual DivorceThe absolute best book I’ve encountered on divorce is Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life" by Debbie Ford. I first read it in 2001 and it profoundly changed my life! Shortly after reading it, I met Debbie Ford and started training with her Institute for Integrative Coaching. Anyone who’s experienced the loss of a relationship, whether through divorce, estrangement or even death, can benefit from this powerful book.

About Carolyn

Carolyn B. Ellis is the Founder of Thrive After Divorce, Inc. A Harvard University graduate, Carolyn is also a Certified Master Integrative Coach™, Teleclass Leader and the first Canadian to be certified as a Spiritual Divorce Coach. She is also a part-time staff member of the Institute for Integrative Coaching at John F. Kennedy University in San Francisco, CA, and has been trained personally by its founder, NY Times best-selling author Debbie Ford. Carolyn’s book, "The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid so Your Children Thrive After Divorce" will be published in early 2007. Her three amazing school age children and bouncy labradoodle dog are her daily sources of inspiration and joy.

 

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