Divorce in a Small Town

Question:

“I live in a small community. My biggest challenge is I am always seeing my ex and the woman he had an affair with and married on a weekly basis because of the children’s activities. I feel like I can’t “get over” my divorce because I am kept inflamed constantly in the present.”

Answer:

Living in a small community where “everybody knows your name” can pose an additional challenge to those trying to rebuild their life after divorce, particularly when your ex and his partner seem to be omnipresent. Nonetheless, the basic principles of thriving after divorce … Continue reading

Divorce Relief: What to Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex

Q. “I am challenged by wondering all the time about what my soon-to- be ex-spouse is thinking or doing, and most agonizingly sad, who is is with?

A. Separation and divorce is a bumpy road and it takes some time, dedicated effort and great tools to help get through to the other side. You are not alone is having part of your mind get on a frustrating hamster wheel of wondering about your ex. Our brain can get like a dog on a bone, chewing endlessly (often in the middle of the night) with a litany of questions like:

Is he as sad as I’m feeling?

Is he regretting his choices?

Is he healing faster than I am and what is wrong with me that I still feel grief?

Has he moved on in love, and who is he with? What is she like? How do I compare to her?

Divorce, even if you’re the one who initiated, is still a shock to your emotional system. The brain wants to make sense of it all, so it starts to seek and scan for answers. Our egos want to compare and judge – who is “winning the race” for getting through the pain and over the divorce first. It’s simply a natural way our sense of self-identity gets constructed.

It is important to realize excessive speculating and wondering is actually a distraction from your own healing journey. Here are some ways you can break the pattern and stop fixating on your ex….

Keep a journal and write out all the questions you have running around in your head. Like taking the lid off a boiling pot of water releases the pressure, journaling your worry thoughts will help them to dissipate more quickly. You get to see your questions from a more objective perspective.

Sometimes we let our attention wander and get ourselves stuck in the past is because we don’t have a clear vision for our future after divorce. Do some work to help create your road map through your divorce. The award-winning Divorce Resource Kit to has questions, exercises and guided meditations that can help you chart your course for your future.

It’s also important to keep your focus on what you actually have control and influence over, such as your own thoughts, words and actions. Diverting your energy to anyone else instead of your own process of understanding the deeper spiritual lessons that are available through your divorce is a distraction. Take responsibility for what you can change and learn, and let the rest go.

© 2012 Carolyn B. Ellis

 

Divorce: The On again, Off Again Relationship

Q. “I am dealing with the pain of a long term relationship break-up I can’t seem to let go of. He comes back, missing me terribly, we get back together and then 9 months to a year later we are apart again. How do I get off this roller coaster?”

A. “Should I stay or should I go?” This is a question that torments many separating couples. Having a significant relationship end really throws you into a gap. Fear of being alone, the desire to avoid heartache and a willingness to simply stay in relationship with someone when you know the love you truly desire cannot be found there are some of the reasons people engage in these “on again, off again” relationships.

To help you sort through this situation, allow me to offer some questions for you to contemplate and get really honest with yourself as you answer them. First, every relationship is a co-creation. You are participating with your sometimes-ex-partner in perpetuating a situation that seems to end up with you letting your heart twist in the wind. What are you getting from … Continue reading

Divorce: Tips for Dating Again

Q. “It’s been years since I’ve been out on the dating scene and even though I think I’m ready to love again, I’m scared. I feel like a nervous kid again. Is this normal?”

A. The decision to get back out in the dating world after divorce definitely can feel scary and intimidating, so you are certainly not alone with that. Relationships can be wonderful teachers, and a great source of joy and intimacy, so it’s great that you’re ready to head out into what feels like new territory. There’s so much to say about this very important topic, so I will give you a few key tips now. Learning how to create successful and loving relationships is one of the divorce puzzle pieces I teach about in my award-winning product, The Divorce Resource Kit. From soup to nuts, from how to know when you’re ready to date again, how to introduce new partners to your children, and how to build the foundation for loving and lasting relationships, I highly recommend you check that resource out and save yourself heartache and time.

One thing I always recommend before you start dating and even while dating someone else is to always date yourself first. Treat yourself with the love, respect and appreciation Continue reading

Divorce: Hung Up on Your Ex?

Q. I am having a really hard time letting go. I still love my ex-husband and don’t know how to let that go so I can move on.

A. Thank you for a wonderful question that many people can relate to for sure! Letting go of any significant relationship requires time, awareness and support. In a marriage, so many elements of your lives become intertwined with one another – children, friends, finances, to name a few. All of those threads must be carefully disentangled now.

It sounds like your relationship is over, but your heart is still looking wistfully back on the past. It’s like you’re trying to drive a car, but you’re just looking in the rear-view mirror to see what is behind you. That makes it difficult to drive ahead without either hitting an unexpected obstacle or taking advantage of the great possibilities that lie ahead of you. Take the time to grieve your loss of your relationship and the dream of a life together, but realize that it is over. It is your work …. Continue reading

Dating and Divorce: Introducing The New Partner

Q. I’ve just started to date casually and I’m not sure how much I should share with my boys, who are 10 and 13. What’s the best way to introduce a new partner to my children?

A. If you’re getting out into the dating world, I recommend you give yourself permission to have fun and enjoy yourself first. Trust your own gut on how much and how often you need to share about how this part of your life is developing. You definitely don’t need to share the daily ups and downs with your children. Let your children know that you have a social life and that you are meeting new friends. This tells them you have a life outside of your children that makes you happy and most children want to see their parents happy. Keep it light and open and… Continue reading

Divorce: What to Do When You Didn’t See It Coming

Q. “My husband said he was unhappy in our marriage for years. Now, he wants a divorce. I can’t understand how I couldn’t have seen this coming!”

A. One person wants a divorce and the other person feels blindsided by the decision. This is a tricky, yet not uncommon, situation. There is definitely a lot for you to look at if your perceptions were so significantly different than your spouse’s. But the first step for you to start to look more deeply at this situation is to put down your bat of self-criticism and judgment. As one of my spiritual teachers says, we must love ourselves forward. When you go through a heartache like divorce, we add salt to the wounds when we let our negative inner dialogue rule our emotional process. Be with your sadness and grief about the relationship ending, but it won’t serve… Continue reading

Relationship Repeats: Picking the Wrong Person, Yet Again

Q. “I seem to pick the wrong guys to have relationships with, so I am wondering if there is any hope I will meet the right person and actually know it?”

A. This is a great question and believe me there are many folks out there asking the same thing! It’s wonderful that you noticed that there’s a pattern going on with you choosing to be with the “wrong guys.” After all, in every failed relationship, the common denominator is always us! But rest assured, there is absolutely hope for you and the fact you put this question out there like that means you’re already on your way!

Here’s a few things I’m going to recommend you do. It’s critical to do your own emotional homework. People set themselves up Continue reading

August 18 THRIVE Call – Love, Relationships & Making it All Work

Are you wondering if it’s possible to find true love?

How do you know if your current or potential partner is even compatible with you?

Join me on Tuesday, August 18, 2009 at 9pm eastern/6pm pacific for our monthly THRIVE Community call. Our topic will be “Love, Relationships and Making It All Work.” I’ll be interviewing my special guest expert, Larry Michel of Match Matrix. They’ve helped thousand of people create ideal relationships using specific tools that assess compatibility based on core energetic patterns.

Registration is F*ree. All you need to do is visit:  www.AskThriveAfterDivorce.com

So if you’re ready to get your most burning questions answered, you won’t want to miss this call.

Call-in details will be emailed to you when you register.

I look forward to hearing you on the call!

Divorce: When Someone You Loved Now Hates You

Q. “How do I reconcile the fact that the mother of my two beautiful little girls and my once best friend now hates me with all her being? I find this shift from love to hate a hard process to follow.”

A. I think there is a moment everyone has going through separation and divorce where they look at one another and wonder “How did we get from being so in love to being HERE?” We once loved each other, perhaps had children together and dreamed of a “happily ever after” fairy tale ending together, but it comes crashingly to a halt often in a lawyer’s office or during a nasty argument.

The shift you’re experiencing witnessing the mother of your children tell you and demonstrate to you in various ways is very difficult. It feels so painful, and so personal. But this is the perfect time for you to decide to …. Continue reading