Divorce can really bring out the worst in people. In some cases, it brings out the worst in the bystanders to the marriage, not just the former spouses themselves.  I was dismayed to learn that Camilla Parker Bowles decided not to attend a memorial service for Princess Diana, bowing to the threats of rabid Diana fans that she would be pelted with eggs if she attended. Diana’s sons had asked Camilla to be there, but for fear that her attendance would turn the celebration of Diana’s life into some kind of sideshow, she decided it best if she not pay her respects.

Now don’t get me wrong! I know that Camilla played an instrumental role in the breakup of Prince Charles and Diana and adultery in a marriage is a bitter pill.  But utlimately I think it’s important everyone put the past in the past, and move forward in a constructive way. What’s in the best interests of the children should always be a guiding priority. In this case, the wishes of Princes Harry and William were overturned by a lingering angry mob of folks as a way of supporting the memory of their mother. Shouldn’t Diana’s own sons be in the best position to make that call as to how they’d like their own mother to be honored?

For more on this story, check out a recent column in Canada’s national newspaper, The Globe and Mail, where I share more of my views on divorce etiquette.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20070830.LGENEXNEW30/EmailTPStory/

Appreciation is an underutilized, yet hugely valuable, ingredient in successful relationships. Many of us take a major blow to our self-esteem when we divorce. Practicing appreciation of ourselves and others can help heal our wounded hearts. Part 1 covered how appreciation is like a fertilizer that can help relationships grow and strengthen. Expressing verbal and non-verbal appreciation for another helps build safe and loving communication channels.

Wondering how to get into the groove of appreciation? Here are the seven strategies I call the “Appreciation A-B-Cs” to get you off to a great start. Each of these strategies is simple and effective, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

Appreciation A-B-Cs

1. Keep Your Appreciation Simple.
   Your verbal statements of appreciation to another don’t have to be fancy or long.  Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, renowned psychotherapists who advocate appreciation as a way to create lasting relations, recommend keeping it within the length of time for one out-breath.  Try a simple “I appreciate you for …………..” to get you started.
2. Speak from Your Heart, not Your Head.
   Don’t think too much! Your most effective guide is your heart, not your head. Take a moment to breathe, visualize your heart and let the words flow from there.
3. Keep It Up.
   Expressing appreciation on a regular basis is more effective than going on a binge one day and then dropping into radio silence for the next two weeks. Set some simple goals like expressing one heart-felt appreciation to your partner each day.  One woman credited starting daily appreciations with reviving a flagging marriage!  If you are single, give yourself that yummy appreciation or call a friend and express your appreciation for that friendship. Giving and receiving appreciation may feel awkward initially, just like a muscle that hasn’t been called upon for a while. Simply keep up your efforts and soon it’ll become a natural and effortless habit.
4. Cover All the Bases
   Once you start looking, there are so many things you will realize you appreciate in the people in your life!  Look at what they do; how they communicate; how they look; how you relate to each other.  Look for things to appreciate and you’ll start to find them.
5. Don’t Let Just Words Do the Talking
   Appreciation doesn’t always need to be verbal. Play with nonverbal appreciation as well, such as leaving unexpected notes in lunch bags or briefcases, flowers, extra hugs or strokes, delicious eye contact, and other small acts of kindness.
6. Who to Appreciate.
   Loved ones, family and friends are clear candidates for receiving appreciation.  How about your co-workers or employees? Why not expand your horizons to include your hairdresser or the check-out clerk at the grocery store?  Appreciate your home, the city you live in or your health. Expanding your list of who and what you appreciate will help you to live in an “attitude of gratitude” which will help you keep centered and open, better able to take on any challenges that might still be in front of you.
7. Appreciate Yourself
   Do you ever find yourself in need of appreciation?  I always encourage my clients to start by appreciating themselves first.  It’s amazing what wonders doing 10 written self-appreciations every day can do for your spirit!

Is there anything more mysterious in the world than the formula to having a successful romantic relationship? As a divorced woman, I now marvel at those who are able to create passionate, loving, long-term relationships. From my studies with books and the school of hard knocks, I believe that one of the most important ingredients in relationships, of all kinds, is appreciation.

What is Appreciation?

Appreciation is like a much-needed rainfall to a farmer’s crops that have been withering in a drought. Just as the crops start to shrivel and die without water, human relationships also start to feel brittle without a steady application of the nourishing, even life-giving, impacts of appreciation. 

The dictionary defines appreciation as “a favorable critical estimate,” “sensitive awareness” and “an expression of admiration, approval or gratitude.” When you appreciate someone, you are tuned into a positive quality of another human being and express your gratitude for it. How often do you take the time to express those sentiments to others or even to yourself?  If you’re like most people, the idea of expressing appreciation to another person on a regular basis might seem quite novel.  Another meaning is “an increase in value.”  We often associate this idea with real estate, or fine art, but practicing appreciation to another we can notice and feel an increase of the value of that particular relationship. 

How would it feel to wake up in the morning and be told how much you are loved? (Yes, without having to ask first!) How would it feel to tell your children each night five different ways that you appreciate them and let them do likewise? What if your ex-spouse thanked you for being so organized with the children’s schedule? Appreciation helps pave the way for a deep connection, intimacy, and honesty in our relationships.

Why Do We Need Appreciation?

There appears to be a drought of appreciation in our culture today.  Most people aren’t used to giving appreciation. Perhaps even more, people are not skilled at receiving appreciations.  Let’s face it – most of us are used to criticism and judgment instead. When people hear themselves being appreciated by another, there’s often one of two reactions. The first is typically suspicion – “Well that sounds nice, but I wonder what they really want from me?”  You then go on alert waiting for some kind of request or “reason” someone else is being nice to you.

A second reaction is simply to deflect the appreciation altogether – “Gee, thanks, but I really didn’t do much and don’t deserve your appreciation.” The “appreciation deflector” typically reciprocates the compliment without pausing to fully let the appreciation sink in. An “appreciation receiver” is willing to take the acknowledgment, feel it fully and simply say “thank you.” There is no need to deflect or reciprocate. Ask yourself honestly, how much do I express my appreciation to those in my life? How often do I appreciate myself?  Do I feel comfortable with it or do I shy away from it?

Appreciation is a simple way to refresh ourselves, to add to our life-force and to open up heart-felt connections to ourselves and others.  Appreciation is a recognized antidote to a major cause of relationship breakdown – criticism.  Relationship experts estimate that it takes five appreciations to counter-balance the negative impact of even one criticism.  Acts of kindness, such as appreciation, alter the brain chemistry in a positive way that elevates our mood and sense of well-being.  This change is enjoyed not only by the recipient of the act of kindness, but also by the giver and even third-party witnesses to that act. One simple act can provide a big payoff to many people!

Many people who’ve been divorced suffer a major blow to their self-esteem and self-confidence. Appreciation is like a loving balm to those wounds of divorce, soothing the pain of the past and helping you move forward towards a brighter future. Appreciation enhances and enriches all kinds of relationships profoundly – not only in our intimate relationships, but with our children, our family, our work colleagues and beyond.

In the next issue, I’ll give you 7 specific strategies to help you become a master at giving and receiving appreciation. In the meantime, here are some questions for you to contemplate to get your appreciation muscles toned up:

1. Who are some of the people you really appreciate in your life? How do you express that to them, and how often?
2. Are you an appreciation deflector or receiver? What could you do to be more open and willing to receive appreciation from others with a simple “thank you!”?
3. On a scale of 1-10 (with 1 being “not at all” and 10 being “all the time”), how much appreciation do you consciously feel for yourself, particularly in light of your divorce experience? What are two ways that you could improve in your ability to demonstrably appreciate yourself?

Watch for The Power of Appreciation - Part 2: 7 Strategies to Becoming A Master of Appreciation

Living life as a separated or divorced person is like wandering into uncharted territory. Like a traveler in a foreign country, so much of what you will experience is new or unfamiliar. There’s the legal process, your changing social network, the emotional roller coaster rides, creating new relationships, the opportunity to redefine and reinvent yourself. Getting divorced is like experiencing a form of culture shock.

If you’ve ever traveled to a foreign country, or even a part of the country you’ve never been to before, you’ve already developed some skills as an adventurer that you can apply in your divorce journey. Having a travel adventure is so fun, so what would happen if we brought more of the explorer’s spirit of curiosity with us in our life after divorce? What if we treated our lives as one big adventure? Most people tend to reserve that sense of wonder and excitement to the few weeks of the year when they may travel to some new destination.

Here are some strategies to help you make your life after divorce journey a lot more enjoyable:

1. Set a Course and Get Prepared
   Divorce can leave you feeling quite lost initially, even if it was your decision to end the relationship. Like planning any trip, you first need to decide where you want to go. When planning a trip or adventure, you consciously choose your destination. Once you’ve decided where you want to go, you get prepared. You figure out how to get there, what kind of currency and immunizations you’ll need, what kind of clothing you need to bring.Use those same planning skills when you’re on your divorce journey. Where do you want to end up? Do you want to simply survive your divorce experience, or do you want to thrive as a result of it? Take stock of any kind of emotional or legal support you may need. Perhaps it’s time to retrain for a new career. Start to map out a course for yourself.

2. Create an Itinerary
   Once the destination has been selected, most of us will come up with at least a rough game plan or itinerary. What do you want to see and experience? How long will you want to stay there? You can ask yourself the same questions when you’re healing from your divorce. For example, perhaps you want to take some time out from the relationship scene while you re-group after your divorce. I used an upcoming significant birthday for myself as a target date to have my legal matters completed. Even if it’s a rough idea, an itinerary provides the starting point and a rough structure for the adventure.

3. Pack along Your Curiosity
   An important ingredient of any adventure is a strong sense of curiosity. As you set off for parts unknown after your divorce, you become an explorer. Imagine that you are setting off to find out something new and wondrous, and will likely learn something about yourself that you never knew before. Some divorced people feel a sense of shame or failure being single again, whereas others rejoice in a chance to reinvent themselves as single people. Your attitude and perspective are critical, and fostering a sense of curiosity (and a good sense of humor) can make all the difference. Curiosity gives you permission to experiment and be in a state of “not knowing.”

4. It’s not Personal
   When you travel, you just know that unexpected things are bound to happen. Returning from a relaxing spa weekend with dear friends, I unexpectedly ended up spending the middle of the night on the floor in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport due to weather problems. The experience was frustrating, but I looked for whatever positives I could find. I decided it was a luxury to be able to snooze on the tiny bit of carpeting the arrivals area offered. Unexpected glitches are inevitable but you don’t take them personally. Yet in our personal lives, when we hit a bump in the road we do often take our setbacks personally, letting our negative internal critic do its evaluation of why we can’t get what we want.Setbacks and surprises are part of the equation in anyone’s divorce journey, so it’s vital you learn to not take them personally. Simply chalk those glitches up to experience and know that you’ve got another good adventure/divorce story to share afterwards. Treat your life like an adventure and give yourself leeway to make on-the-spot changes in your plans and go with the flow.

5. It’s the Journey, Not the Destination
   When you travel to a new destination, you probably take the time to appreciate the journey along the way. Yet in our regular, daily lives, quite often we don’t. As you move through your healing process after divorce, take the time to consciously notice things that you appreciate in your daily life. Perhaps you notice your self-confidence growing, or you meet a new friend. Maybe you make an important decision you’ve been putting off. Take time regularly to celebrate your wins and it will make your journey that much sweeter.

Divorce can really knock your self-esteem for a loop. When you’re in an intimate relationship with another human being, a huge sense of who you are and your self-worth is tied up in the relationship. When that committed relationship ends, the degree to which you’re reliant on someone else for your sense of self-worth becomes painfully obvious. The ending of a committed relationship brings up some of the darkest thoughts and fears we hold about ourselves, particularly if the divorce was not your idea. Often my divorce coaching clients wonder whether they are “good enough” to have a successful, long-term relationship. Some doubt whether they’ll be able to pick up the pieces or be able to trust themselves to make good choices going forward.

Regaining and building your self-worth and self-esteem is a critical ingredient to healing and growing from your divorce experience. The word “worth” means “good or important enough to justify something” or “usefulness or importance.” Do you consider yourself worthy of having a life that you love and relationships you cherish, even in the aftermath of divorce?

One of the greatest gifts I’ve received from my divorce experience was to learn how much I depended upon others for my sense of self-worth. Whether it was my husband, my children, my employers or even my volunteer committee members, at some level I continuously looked to people outside myself for their appreciation and acknowledgement in order to feel good about myself. I was reluctant to sing my own praises for fear of being too “selfish” or “self-centered.” My experience as a divorce coach confirms that I am not alone in this type of behavior.

At the end of the day, standing alone as a divorced woman with many of my external support systems ruptured, I came to realize that it was my responsibility to value and respect myself. It was a moment of awakening and a doorway to living with new levels of self-acceptance, compassion and love. To paraphrase Rabbi Hillel, “If not me, who? If not now, when?” If I wouldn’t deem myself worthy of love and respect, who else would? Being willing to value yourself and respect yourself lays the foundation for getting clear on your direction and setting healthy boundaries in future relationships. Self-worth fosters self-confidence, a quality that can become very infectious to those around you as well!

Here are some strategies to ramp up your self-worth:

1. Take an Inventory
   Make a list of the people, organizations or structures in your life that you may be currently using as a source of your self-worth. Is it your family? The size of your pay check? The first step is to simply note where you may be relying on outside sources to fuel your self-esteem.
2. If not You, Who?
   Have you ever noticed how we’re often our own worst critics? Self-worth and self-esteem is definitely an inside job, so it’s your responsibility to give yourself all the acknowledgement, kudos, respect and love you may be looking for others to give you. Daily, written self-acknowledgements can be very powerful. Do a victory dance when you’ve accomplished a goal. Notice if consciously celebrating your victories makes you uncomfortable at all. If it does, great! That means you’re expanding your comfort zone and are on the right track to learning how to source yourself.
3. If not Now, When?
   Life is so short, so what are you waiting for? Make a commitment for at least the next seven days to value yourself as if you were the most precious resource on the planet. Indulge yourself with loving, caring thoughts and tender acts of kindness towards yourself. View this like a scientific experiment. You can judge the results at the end of the experiment and decide if you’d like to continue or not.
4. Build a Team
   Find a buddy or coach who can hold you accountable for building your sense of self-worth. Tell someone you trust that you’re taking responsibility for your own happiness and treating yourself more kindly. If they hear you overlooking a good deed or minimizing yourself in any way, ask them to call you on it.

Wow, my new podcast The Divorce 101 Show was named a finalist in Alex Mandossian’s and Paul Colligan’s Podcast Secrets Challenge Contest!  This past winter I took an amazing course with Alex and Paul that taught everything someone needs to know about creating a podcast, which is like an online radio show.

I think a podcast is a wonderful way to help get my message about Thriving after Divorce out to people, so I decided to take them up on the challenge and created my very own show, The Divorce 101 Show.  You can find it at www.Divorce101Show.com and it’s even listed on iTunes!.

As a finalist I got to make my pitch as to why I should be the newbie winner to the class of over 300 students.

With The Divorce 101 Show I see a communication challenge that will really help people that are somewhere along their journey after divorce. As someone that’s been in their shoes I can share with people strategies that will see them come through that dark challenge of divorce stronger, happier, and loving their life more than ever. 

To check it out just visit www.Divorce101Show.com.

Blended families are becoming more and more the norm. One in three Americans is a member of a blended family. I’m sure Canada’s statistics are very similar. Looking at my own family of four, 75% of my family is blended because my children have step-siblings. Bringing divorced parents together for special events, like graduations, weddings and other celebrations, can be tricky and stressful if not handled correctly. These milestone events stir a sense of nostalgia, but for divorced parents and their children it can also bring up bittersweet memories and trigger old emotional wounds.

Let’s take a typical scenario. Your very first grandchild has been born and you are over the moon with joy. You race over to the hospital to see your newborn grandchild. You enter the hospital room and you notice your son or daughter already has a visitor and it’s your former partner. What do you do? How do you and your former partner treat each other? Do you offer each other heartfelt congratulations as well, or does your joyous mood suddenly drop like a stone?

Family events get even more challenging when there are new spouses and step-children in the picture. I’m sure there are many photographers who’ve witnessed some of the politics and power struggles that can show up even in posing for official photos. “I’m not standing next to her” or “She shouldn’t even be in this picture, she’s just his new trophy wife.” Seating arrangements, photographs, special roles and responsibilities are just a few of the issues that can be anything but peaceful and joyous.

Are there any tips for how to turn that special occasion into one blended families will treasure, instead of one they’ll want to forget? Here are a few strategies all divorced parents could implement to ensure family events are a delight instead of a disaster.

1. Connect to a Vision. Take the time to create a new inspiring vision of life after divorce. Stephen Covey says to “begin with the end in mind.” Look ahead to how you want their child’s special day to go and how you want to feel. Make sure all choices move the blended family towards that new vision.
2. Do Some Advance Planning.  Preparing to bring blended families together definitely requires advance planning. Set up clear agreements about who is doing what ahead of time so there are no last-minute surprises. Divorced parents should deal with any issues with their ex-spouse directly, and keep their children out of the potential cross-fire.
3. It’s Not About You. Remember who the focus of the celebration is. Always keep your children’s best interests in mind. Guests will take their cue from the divorced parents. If you think you’ll need help keeping your cool or managing your sadness, find an ally at the celebration who can stick close and check on you. If you and your former spouse can treat each other with respect and tact, everyone can relax and enjoy the celebration.
4. Be Present. Set an intention for having a happy, joyful family celebration. Physical reminders, like holding a special stone or wearing a ring on a different finger, can help people stay grounded and calm. Being in the present moment, instead of re-living the past or projecting into the future, is critical.
5. Be Grateful. You and your former spouse may no longer be married, but you’ll always be parents. Whether appreciating children, friends, family or good health, cultivating gratitude will create more peace and joy.

Thought you’d want to know about one of my latest projects. You can now listen to helpful tips and strategies from me on how to Thrive After Divorce when you subscribe to my new free podcast, The Divorce 101 Show. You can listen in your Web browser, or if you’re often on the run, easily download to your iPod or MP3 player. Remember that I am producing this show for you, because I see you Thriving!

As always, I want your feedback, so please comment on this post and on my individual podcast episodes at www.Divorce101Show.com

I am SOO excited! I’ve just launched a 3 minute movie on the THRIVE Principles. Judging from the huge, positive response, it seems to have struck a chord with many of you! I don’t want to give the plot away, so why not go and check it out for yourself? Many of you have already sent me feedback by email telling me how it’s helped you just by watching it, but email is only a one-on-one conversation. I’d love to broaden the discussion and invite you to share your feedback as a comment on this blog. That way everyone can benefit from your success stories too! To see it, click here. Oh yes, if you liked it, be sure to spread the word!