Divorce and Separation: Being On Your Own Again

Divorce and Separation: Being On Your Own Again

Q. “How do I get used to being alone and not so addicted to trying to find a new mate?”

A. When you’re in pain at the ending of a relationship, it can be sooo tempting to just find someone quickly to fill that void. We torture ourselves with thoughts of “I’m going to be alone forever!” ringing in your ears. Particularly if your former spouse has already moved on with someone else, some people go even more all out to get their next relationship so they can “keep up” with or prove something to their ex.

But you’re wise to notice how strong your drive is right now to find a new partner, and to ask how you can get used to being alone. With about 50% of marriages ending in divorce, the statistics are even grimmer for second and third marriages! Unless you take the time to stop and as honestly as you can reflect on what went off the rails in your first marriage, you’re setting yourself up for a scenario where history may repeat itself in future relationships.

Here are some tips to help you in this transition period!

1. Date Yourself First

Treat yourself with the love, respect and appreciation that you would like to have in a romantic relationship. Little love gestures like giving yourself flowers or lighting candles for dinner add up to a lot in terms of setting the stage for new love.

2. Identify What You Want

Extract all the wisdom from your divorce by identifying what didn’t work in your relationship. Make a list of the characteristics and dynamics that didn’t serve you well, e.g. “My ex was close-minded.” Ask yourself what you do want instead in a new partner and write that down, “My partner is open-minded.” You’ll end up with a much clearer idea of what you do want in relationship.

3. Indulge In Your Passions

Give yourself time to devote to your passions. Indulging in them not only fills up your emotional reserve tank, but it gives you the opportunity to connect with other people who share that same passion.

9 thoughts on “Divorce and Separation: Being On Your Own Again

  1. I agree that by reflecting on the issues that affected the first marriage, a person can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Being single again and entering the dating world can be a difficult challenge for most divorcees.

    After such a traumatic experience, it is essential to have the confidence to overcome the pain of the past relationship and to move forward.

  2. These are really good ideas..I love this blog. If you get involved in your own life then your not so obsessed with finding another person too soon and you’ll be a better partner if you’re happier in yourself after developing your passions and interests.

  3. I think the most important aspect is to not rush anything. Even if you meet someone you like, take it very slow and adjust to being single before thrusting yourself headfirst back into a relationship. And be selfish. Worry about what you want as much or more than the people in your dating pool.

  4. Identifying what didn’t work in your past marriage is an important task to complete, but for many people, it may not be something that you can identify, such as a cheating spouse or someone that just fell out of love with you. Knowing that you are happy with yourself will give you the confidence that so many people find attractive so you can meet the right person this time around.

  5. I love “indulge in your passion”. As I coach clients, it is surprising how difficult it can be for someone to begin focusing on themselves after spending so many years placing themselves at the bottom of the priority list. Your post is very encouraging and I would encourage everyone to take the time they need and enjoy getting to know who they are and what they want during the time they are single.

  6. I couldn’t agree more. The initial part is always the most difficult – being on your own again, especially when it is after the breakup of a long standing relationship. You really do need to date yourself and get to know yourself all over again. Don’t jump into another relationship till you’ve worked out things in your head first. The best part of being on your own is that you have the freedom to follow your dreams. So take time to learn what they are all over again.