Divorce: Hung Up on Your Ex?

Q. I am having a really hard time letting go. I still love my ex-husband and don’t know how to let that go so I can move on.

A. Thank you for a wonderful question that many people can relate to for sure! Letting go of any significant relationship requires time, awareness and support. In a marriage, so many elements of your lives become intertwined with one another – children, friends, finances, to name a few. All of those threads must be carefully disentangled now.

It sounds like your relationship is over, but your heart is still looking wistfully back on the past. It’s like you’re trying to drive a car, but you’re just looking in the rear-view mirror to see what is behind you. That makes it difficult to drive ahead without either hitting an unexpected obstacle or taking advantage of the great possibilities that lie ahead of you. Take the time to grieve your loss of your relationship and the dream of a life together, but realize that it is over. It is your work ….to shift your gaze from the rear-view mirror to the front windshield so you thrive after divorce.
This is a great time for you to use a journal to write out your feelings, reflections and thoughts. What are you learning about yourself through this divorce? What inner resources do you have that you are ready to claim? What limiting beliefs are surfacing that you need to see so you can release them in future relationships. What is your new vision for yourself – what do you want your life to look and feel like? Working with a coach or counselor could help accelerate your healing. Once you’ve been able to harvest the wisdom you’ve gained through this experience, it will be easier to let go and move on.

There are a few resources I’d recommend for you. In my award-winning Divorce Resource Kit, there is an entire section devoted to regaining your emotional balance and using the THRIVE Principles ™ to help you transform this loss into a gain. Another great resource for you is Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce book. Give yourself some time and get yourself some resources and I wish you the best in your journey ahead.

© 2010 Carolyn B. Ellis

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2 thoughts on “Divorce: Hung Up on Your Ex?

  1. i can so relate to this, too….moving ahead is tough,esp this last 2 yr relationship I came out of…i know now that experiencing parental deaths very early in life (and not attending the funerals for closure) has made ‘endings, goodbyes, and acceptance’ very tough themes for me, such that I’ve decided to go into counselling…sometimes you have to go backwards to first heal and process some grief before you can start to look and walk forward and be more present and hopeful about the future.