Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 2

The break-up of a love relationship can be emotionally devastating. As I shared, I recently joined the ranks of the heartbroken when an important relationship I was in ended abruptly and unexpectedly. Life in the void is an important opportunity to let go of an old paradigm and prepare yourself for new possibilities to enter your life. The past few weeks of my life in the void I’ve been noticing and letting go of all those little reminders and hooks to the past. Deleting all of our emails and text messages. Taking his number out of my cell phone. Having a great moment in my day and wanting to share it with him, then remembering… that we’re not together anymore. What are some of the little reminders you may still be holding on to from your past relationship?

In part one, I discussed the importance of working with your feelings, instead of resisting them (if you missed it, you can see it on my blog). The next piece is to take action to solidify your footing so you can eventually climb back out of the emotional abyss after a relationship ends.

1.   Give Voice to the Stories You Tell Yourself

Relationship breakdown is a fertile time to identify your core beliefs and unconscious programming. Tune into the dialogue you have about yourself. Are you not good enough? Do you not deserve real happiness? Are you undeserving of love? The beliefs you hold that limit you and sabotage your success readily reveal themselves when our hearts are aching. These beliefs will be the same ones that show up to sabotage you in other areas of your life as well, like career, finances, or your personal health. Become aware of them and write them out in your journal. This is the first critical step to bringing them to light and breaking yourself of the trance that these beliefs are “true.” With that awareness, you can start to make more conscious choices and break free of the power of old, limiting stories.

2.   Take it One Day at a Time

Falling into the void I feel like a cat, twisting and straining to be sure I land on my feet.  In the void it’s important to keep it simple and take life day-by-day. Celebrate each simple win like you just won the Super Bowl.  There will be moments in each day when you feel the loss more acutely, so be prepared. For example, between 10 and 11 at night is when my former partner and I would always talk. Without him in my life, that time slot has now become the “witching hour” when the operator of my emotional roller coaster goes on extended coffee break to leave me hurtling through the void. To manage the witching hour, I plan a writing session, or a call with a friend, or a date with a good novel. Over time, the sense of loss will ease. It’s important to practice strong self-care when you’re living in the void.

3.   Take Your Own Advice

If you had a dear friend struggling with a broken heart, what advice would you give him or her? Would it be easy for you to find tenderness, compassion and patience for your friend? Now, start taking your own advice. The THRIVE Principles (TM) of Trust, Honesty, Responsibility, Integrity, Vision, and Expression, have been true guiding lights for me and for many of my clients and students. For a quick shot of inspiration, I encourage you to take 2 minutes to watch The THRIVE Movie at www.TheThriveMovie.com. I know I will! In future articles I will share more in detail about the THRIVE Principles (TM).

4.   Restructure Your Environment

Take the time to clear some space in your environment. At some point it’s important to let go of some of the physical reminders of your past love if at all possible. For example, I recently deleted all of the text messages I had saved on my cell phone between my former partner and I. When we were together, I would sometime read them over to savor the love and connection I felt with this man. To hold onto these messages now, while living in the void of our relationship break-up, no longer serves me. I realized I had been holding onto them as some kind of proof that the love had been there, that it had been real.My phone’s memory has only so much capacity, so these old messages were inhibiting my ability to receive new ones. I deleted the messages, feeling gratitude for the heart connection I had felt with him. I am sending the signal to the universe that I am ready and open to the possibility of new messages. What are you still holding onto that may be blocking your ability to attract something new in your life? So, put those happy pictures of you together out of sight. Create a ritual and burn the old love letters, intentionally releasing the old ties for the wisdom the relationship brought you and welcome in healing and new relationship.

5. Count Your Blessings

Relationship is the most powerful teacher there is about who we are. Each relationship comes bearing gifts that bring you a new piece of yourself as you dance in relationship. What have you learned about you from this relationship? What worked for you? What didn’t? What would you do differently in future relationships? For those of us who are divorced parents, a clear blessing is the children. Anchor those blessings by speaking them aloud or writing in your journal.

    Counting your blessings will help you find your footing in the void. Take the time to explore the void. The lessons you learn there will grow your heart and set you on the path to healing.

    Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 1

    51 thoughts on “Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 2

    1. Pingback: Thrive After Divorce » Relationship Break-Up - Living in the Void: Part 1

    2. Hey there, i love your outlook on divorce and long-term relationship break ups,

      Over christmas i have gone through a very hard split, our relationship started to slowly die.. we were not getting along at all, just fighting all the time, we both were so miserable.. i need to be cuddled and touch, in the begining we would cuddle and touch, but nearing the end he didnt want to be touched.. nothing i did made him happy, i would try very hard to give him what he wanted.. he wanted space, i would go out.. or stay in the room and read a book, i am seeing now a lot of the arguements were caused by myself, i couldn’t allow the fact of him not paying me a lot of attention, it’s just so hard we split christmas day.. our anniversary.. and i’ve been reading your blog over and over again.. im taking it day by day.. breathing, had a long cry last night.. i’ts just so hard we lived in hamilton, so i have to move back to my hometown.. i’am going today to move most of my things.. it’s just i have this feeling that i want to give him some time away he’s going on vaction with his father for few weeks, it just like i want to give him a break.. and get back togethet, and its eating me alive not knowing, but also knowing in my mind that it might not happen, knowing it this is it.. i am accepting it, and trying very hard to let go.. but just want to run to him so bad.. or just run away, he was my everything my little baby, and letting go is so painfull, i have some great friends, and my family is here too, its just i think i need someone whos not going to ask silly questions or say .. ” oh screw him” i love him very much and think hes a great amazing man, and he helped me change my life and all my goals. i don’t know if im handling this right, i think im okay, im just taking it day by day, i cant burn or throw old picstures out i think i want to put them away in a box and leave it in my parents basement.. its also so hard i miss my home.. my bed, him laying next to me even though, we were both so un happy.. i miss the comfort, of seeing him there and just knowing, im sorry.. i just need to vent and explain how i feel, im going out today to get a journal, it’s just a weird feeling that, i want to take things slow to see if things work.. but at the same time, i have a feeling they won’t, i cant change someones mind, it has happend before that we split for a few days, and i moved some of my things and we eneded up getting back together, and we was a sweetheart, so great and happy, but that only lasted a few days.. and he was back to being un happy.. our love is strong, i just keep having this hope thinking we will get back together and as much as it kills me to acually annouce that feeling is very hard for me,, but i can’t keep it in. well i thank you so much for listening.. this is a very difficult time. thanks so much i would love to hear your info.

    3. Hey Nikki! Thanks for sharing your experience with us here on the blog and I’m sorry for your painl Must have been a really tough holiday season! I’m glad some of the information you’re finding here is helping you through a difficult break-up. It does sound like you had a lot of joy in this relationship so I think you’re wise to grab a journal instead of a match to help you process your pain. An excellent resource I’d recommend for you to get right away is Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life. It changed my life and will help you understand the gifts of this relationship, even if it is over, and heal your heart. If you want more personal support with that, I’d recommend you consider doing some personal coaching with me. Check it out on the Solutions Page at http://www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com and you can learn more about it. I offer a complimentary session to see if coaching is the best solution for you, and it’s all done over the phone.

      One day at a time, be gentle with yourself and ask yourself “What can I learn from this situation?” I have no doubt there are great gifts available for you here, if you’re willing to look. Best wishes to you and thanks for sharing!

    4. I AM DEALING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND OF SEVEN YEARS LEAVING. WE HAD TALKED ABOUT MARRIAGE BUT BOTH HAD OUR FEARS. WE HAVE BOTH BEEN MARRIED ONCE BEFORE AND DIVORCED. WE HAD A HAPPY 6 PLUS YEARS BUT CONFLICT AROSE BETWEEN HER DAUGHTER AND I. THE THINGS I DID BEFORE WERE NO LONGER GOOD ENOUGH. HER DAUGHTER IS MARRIED AND I FELT LIKE SHE WAS SPENDING MORE TIME ON HER MARRIAGE THAN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I CAME HOME ONE DAY TO A NOTE SAYING SHE WAS LEAVING, AND 3 WEEKS LATER SHE WAS GONE. I BEEN TRYING TO GET HER BACK BECAUSE I STILL LOVE HER , BUT SHE DONT SEEM TO LOVE BE AS MUCH. WHAT AM I TO DO?

    5. Randy,
      How are you doing now? … I have been going thru hell this past week.. after 2 years of relationship (not living together), the first year was all perfect, we had everything in common, same hobbies, passions, best friends, traveled, awsome sex etc… then things started to slowly deteriorate, even when I tried her to speak up never got a clear answer (I know nobody else was involved or that sort of thing), but when I was out of town last week she sent me and email stating this is not what she is looking for right know and we should not go on … but that she wants very much to be friends … after talking for a week I had no option than tell her not to call me or write anymore, she has called and sent me messages that she cares about me and doesn’t want me out of her life as friend (I have not answer or replied and will not) I know it won’t work since I love her and will hurt more seeing her slowly move on. I am standing in this position where all I have now is my dignity, but the truth is I feel so bad, I cry alone every day and feel extremely sad and lonely (even whith friends), I know I have to go thru this crap and even if is not the first time a relashionship ends for me it really sucks, even by following all the advices that made sense I could read on the internet or books …. I have high self esteem, but now I feel really hurt, drained and stunned. Truth is I’d rather die of emotional pain before she knows how in bad shape I am right now … I really miss her but this is the second breakup in 7 months and things will go nowhere trying to win her back…. so yep, here I am standing now!!!

    6. Hi,

      I’m 6 months out of a 10 year relationship. I see things as they really were now, and while I do want the chance to try again, it couldn’t work if the commitment wasn’t there, and it obviously wasn’t if he decided to leave. I miss him every day. I know he misses me, he has told me, but he is dating someone else. Commitment was a big issue. Also, I see now that I have some codependent behaviours and need to work on those.

      I’m not sure how to really move on and to let it go. Perhaps I just need more time.

      I don’t know whether or not to go no contact or keep being friends. I can’t be a true friend if I’m still hoping for reconciliation. I do care for him deeply.

      I’m seeing a counsellor and getting on with life, but nothing takes away the daily thoughts of him.

      Take care everyone.

      Lisa

    7. Hi,

      I feel uncomfertable telling my story online so anyone can read it, but I realized that everyone here is going through the same thing that I am… loss and pain. I fell in love with my best friend and we were together for about six years. He was my first everything, but most of all he was my first love. This break up has felt like the end of the world for me and I honestly have no idea what to do with myself. I want to look at this positively and become a stronger person from it but its just so hard. I lost my mother at a very younge age and it has affected my life in so many ways. It played a huge role in our trust issues, along with a lot of mistakes on both our ends. I dont even know what to say in this, i feel so empty, alone, and lost. I do know that going our seperate directions is for the best, but feeling like this definately sucks! 🙁 After reading everyone else’s stories (although terribly sad), I can see that I am not alone. I wish you guys the best as you move along the path to happiness.

    8. Articles like these really give me hope that the pain of a breakup with one day lift. I appreciate how other people have opened up about their feelings of loss and pain. My boyfriend of nearly 3 years is an alcoholic and was very controlling, manipulative, and dominated many aspects of our relationship. And yet I love him and sometimes felt that he loved me. Mostly I felt like he didn’t really like spending time with me. We were in couples therapy for awhile. I asked if he would go away with me for a week, just us and the dogs and he agreed. Then I found out he had invited 3 of his friends as well. I was devastated but tried to make the best of it. Eventually the anger and feelings of low self-worth and that I didn’t matter that much to him overwhelmed me and I lost it. I broke up with him and told him to leave. I felt like i had had enough of his constant self-indulgence and his making important decisions without my consent or knowledge. He will be moving out and taking one of our dogs with him. I know I can’t be with him and be OK with the hurtful things he does. But the pain is still overwhelming and I can’t stop thinking about him and our life together. I wanted to marry him. I thought he’d change. I thought we could have a happy life together. It’s only been a day and I can’t stop crying. I feel like I hate him for what he’s done and yet a part of me wonders if I should have just gone along with whatever he wanted so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. Like another person commented, I also feel like this is the end of the world. I feel like I shouldn’t take it so bad; and I know he isn’t suffering like I am. I don’t think he cares about how I feel. He called me to work out the logistics of breaking up and sounded very relieved to be leaving. My heart is broken and it seems like my life has changed very dramatically in such a short span of time. The only time I don’t cry is when I self medicate and numb myself and try to find other distractions. I know it’s not healthy but the pain changes everything. This is the worst i’ve ever felt and I see no end in sight. I’m wondering how other people are coping. I have a therapist that we both used to see but I don’t know if I should see her since she was our couples therapist. I would appreciate any advice about coping with the pain of loss and having to get over someone you love.

    9. Hi everyone,
      I can also Identify with the pain you all are feeling. I finally let a man in 2 years after my divore, I kind of feel really silly now because at the time I knew he was not for me! Now 2 years later after all the realationship issues, he is saying goodbye to me! How do I feel? My heart Hurts so bad even though I know this is the best thing! I have look at our issues and I know I am so much beeter off without him But i guess my codependent issues come in. He is not a healthy person at all and even though we both want the same for the future I know in my heart it is not possible with him. But it still hurts. He has issues, and me being a care taker (also what I choose for my carreer) think that I can help him and make his life better, meanwhile the whole time I am misserable and hurting because I am not getting what I need. Why is it so hard to let go? I didn’t have this hard of a time letting go of my exhusband of 10 years, why now am I having a hrd time? I plan on starting a journel because I know I need not to be in contact with him but he does call and tell me he’s so confused he doesn’t know what to do! But I know what is right and I know its over but I feel like I wasted the last 2 years of my life! I wish someone could tell me how to get past this.I go through the motions to mourn the realationship, I cry and i mean i cry from my heart that it hurts so bad that I dont know how im gonna make it another minute, but I do. I pray God please help me get through this and move on, but I always come back to the realization of what is wrong with me that I dont want to continue on my journey through this pain and move on, or why cant i move on! But i know as of this moment that I can move foward and I will move on, It doesnt mean the pain is going to go away, or the tears are going to stop but it means that I love myself enough to say I KNOW IM GOING TO BE OK NO MATTER WHAT! And I truely feel that I am going to be ok so thanks for listening to me vent but I really think it cleared some things up for me. I know its not going to be easy but i know Im going to be ok! Thanks so much…

    10. Hey everyone! I want to thank each of you for your great comments – clearly this subject has touched a nerve for many of us who are living, or have experienced, the heartache of a lost love. Believe me, I know it isn’t easy. But, I do know that living in the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” been different fantasy game doesn’t help you move forward. I am very touched that having a forum like this available is supporting you to vent, to share, to support and to realize that you are NOT alone!

      What I do know is we all deserve love, oodles of it! And it needs to start with us. So if you need to cry, cry. A journal makes a wonderful best friend in times like this. Support from a divorce coach can help get your feet back on the ground and your heart healing quickly. There are tons of resources not only on my site, but out there so use them. There is always some great gift and learning that comes from this level of heartache. One thought I told myself daily when I was in the depth of my pain about my break-up was “If it hurts this much, it means that I was really willing to let my heart be open and connected to another, and that is something I really celebrate about myself.” Be compassionate, patient and loving with yourself.

      Thanks for sharing and many blessings to you! I see you Thriving!
      Carolyn

    11. My husband of 25 years left almost a year ago after finding a 21 year old in the Philippines on an online dating site. For almost 20 years I took care of him after he had a severe car accident and suffered a closed head injury. I was there for all his problems after the accident with alcoholism when he self-medicated, drugs when he was depressed, and suicide attempts. I can’t even count how many times we were in the emergency room. The numbness you speak of is an understatement for what I am feeling. Our life was completely changed by the car accident and now I have nothing to show for all those years except a lot of pain and disappointment. The worst is knowing that the life we hoped for never materialized no matter how hard we tried to hold onto hope. My favorite song that sums it all up is Angie by the Rolling Stones. “You can’t say we never tried.”

    12. I was involved in a long-distance 2-year relationship with a 21 year old (I am 33). Our relationship seemed perfectly fine as we both enjoyed having our own spaces and coming together once monthly and on vacations, and sharing evening dates via the webcam.

      Two weeks ago he came to stay with me for the summer, and he called me at work to notify me that the relationship was over and he was leaving. We spoke over the past 2 weeks and he has visited a family therapist who now believes my ex has clinical depression and needs medication. At first I tried to be unconditionally supportive, but instead of taking steps to get better he would tell me he still wanted to work things out, but then he would engage in some destructive behaviors with old h.s. friends.

      Finally I wrote him an email last week telling him I could no longer continue a relationship with someone who is teeter-tottering and not truly making efforts to get well.

      The pain has been horrible. I try to tell myself that my “present” day to day life is still fine. We didn’t live together, not even in the same city, so financially and practically I am secure. I realize though that most of our relationship was built on talk of the future. My whole life was going to immensely change for the better in 1 year when he graduated college and we moved in together at last. Now the hope of that huge life change is gone, and I’m left wondering what I’m supposed to do. I’m terrified of being alone, and I keep wondering if he’s going to call me in a month or two if he decides to get serious about therapy.

      I have a lot of family and friends to help me but I want the pain to be over, and I want to move on and forget about hoping that he’ll call or email. It has been incredibly tough, and I’m not sure how to start feeling okay with the idea of being alone in the future.

    13. Reading this article made me feel comforted. I broke up with my 7 years partner 20 months ago. At the time of break up, I believed that I made a right decision. However, soon after I regretted it a lot. Today, I still miss the moments we shared together. I think about him almost everyday. This has make it very difficult to move on. Sometimes, I think it is my fault that I cannot let go. When I know that he has moved on and dating someone. I felt all my hopes and future has crashed and I really don’t know how to live my life anymore. The sadness, anguish and sense of loss is so much that often deal with it by self-harming.

      After reading this and other people’s experience. I know I am not alone. I am hoping to take the tips with me and soon I can leave the greif behind.

    14. ’tis reassuring just how many of us are in the same boat…this way we don’t have to feel so isolated and alone…that each day 1000s of people the world over are falling out of love too….sometimes just knowing that (that my heartache and experience is so normal) adds a bit of lightness…a brief respite from the storm.

      i came out of a 2 yr relationship over 1 yr ago now…sure to many of you with longer gigs, it’s nothing…but my scars are that i lost both parents at age 4…so endings, saying goodbye, closure, acceptance (etc)is something i’m not very good at….my journey has sometimes felt akin to a snake shedding it’s skin: i’ve examined so many precepts, beliefs and expectations both of myself and of life and love….alot has been on my own, too, as many of my friends are back east (as is my family)…this is one thing i’m really trying to establish: a support team (god bless you gals as this is so innate to you…us guys could learn so much from you in that regard)….

      …but back to my ‘self examination’: i’ve given up on ‘forever’…it’s liberating really…not cynical at all…if you really think about it, just how many relationships last ‘forever’ …and of those that ”do” how many are happy?….people change…curve balls arise…for those couples that DO last forever in a good manner, god bless them as they’re an ideal that is wanted by us all, yet seldom obtained….instead i’m trying to see the importance of what i call diversification of investments applied socially: that just as no one stock should be overinvested to be a nest egg for your future, neither should one relationship for sustainance, either….people come and go…life is full of change (heck just look at the precariousness of our job market nowadays: gone are the ‘cradle to grave’ positions largely our parents knew)…

      Instead I try to now see relationships as ‘ships’ taking me along my journey: some love relationships may last a short while…others much longer…all of course with the ‘hope’ of lasting, but not so much with the expectation of such occuring….i’m trying to find a balance between dreaming/hoping and also being pragmatic and realistic, too….can anyone relate? Ultimately the most important relationship I’ll ever have (and one that needs repairing man!) is with myself….from that wellspring i hope to have a bigger, more emotionally open, honest and courageous heart going forward into my next relationship (with a better sense of boundaries, too).

    15. Thanks for everyone sharing their stories. Many of them are making me cry. I am in the process of ending a 6 year relationship. Well, it will be 6 yrs on dec 21st. We lived together for 5yrs. We met when we were 16, never married and now we’re both young 20’s.
      I used to constantly threathen him that I would leave. I finsihed university, while he never got his high school. I wanted to buy a car, we were thousands in debt. He played video games to ease his anxiety over 15hours a day. Any normal person would leave, but I stayed. I thought he was my soul mate, now I feel I am never going to find him. I used to believe he was it, we fit perfectly so well. We moved in together because my mother didn’t approve of me being a “wild” child, staying past curfew, so I said nevermind, I’ll move in with him. From there, we developed huge dreams, dreams that included living with each other until we were old. But things got murky, I resented him for not helping me. He bounced through so many jobs, and never had a stable income. He didn’t want to try new things, he wasn’t outgoing, or social. Rarely, if EVER! did we go out. I was so jealous of other couples, of other people being able to socailze. All we had was each other. I know this is pretty patheic right now, but I think its helping. Anyways, I had a lengthy affair, a month or two, but the flirting was there for awhile. My bf eventually found out, after I ended it with the guy, almost a year and a half later due to an asshole that was blackmailing me. This was in March 09, now its Nov and he wants to end it. I do to, but all these feelings are making me think otherwise. I know the truth…that I need something else. But I have never known anything else…I was dedicated, and determined to be with this man for the rest of my life. Even though we weren’t married. I took care of him, loved him, gave him everyhing he wanted. I resented every bit of being there for him, because I felt like he wasn’t there for me. I couldn’t afford anything while going to school, working two jobs, while he’d spend his days sleeping in and playing video games. I know what kind of man I want now, I wish I could mould and shape him into what I want, but I know thats impossible.

      We’ve tried breaking up so many times, but never could we do it. Now he has a reason to stand his ground, I broke his trust and lost his loyality. I know I will never be loved as much as he loved me…
      Please, I need someone to talk to about this..exchange emails or something. I have to leave my home tomorrow, and move into something completely new. I have no idea what to do, no one to talk to that understands, I’m utterly alone, being isolated with him has left me with no friends, and family that only hates and resents him for what he did to me.
      please help if you have time. thank you.
      discoverpeace21@hotmail.com

    16. Its been 4 months since i got dumped and I still think about my ex 24 hrs a day. Ive tried every single suggestion on my own b4 finding this sight. These things help while youre doing them but you cant do them when youre trying to sleep, and thats the hardest time by far. I was hoping that i’d feel better by now but only feel more desperate because now I really know that she wants nothing to do with me no matter what. A few phone calls, emails, texts and a couple of uninvited visits to her place have gotten me a restraining order. I love her more than anything and I dont know how to make myself stop. I’m obviously obsessed in the worst way and all I want to do is forget about her so I can move on. I honestly dont know how or if I’ll ever be with someone like her ever again. I worshipped her and she knew it. It turned her off completely. Im 39 years old and I’ve had several relationships, but she was nothing like the others, on so many levels. I fell uncontrollably head over heels and could do nothing about it. Its like I’m under some sort of spell and I feel like I’ll never find anyone like her ever again. I know that I need to make changes if I’m ever going to be eye to eye with a woman like her. If I’m lucky enough to find a woman like her. I’m not getting much sleep even at this point. I know I get some because I dream about her every night. I’m never going to be the same again. I feel like I’ve died and gone to hell. God, someone, help me =(

    17. Me and my boyfriend of a year just broke up yesterday. I feel hopeless. When we had good times together, they were incredible. We had fun, would sing, laugh, dance, watch TV, go to movies, spend time with friends, family. We got a long perfectly and were each other’s best friend. No matter what the “guys” were doing or the “girls” when it came down to it, in all honesty we would rather be with each other. There was never a doubt that either of us stayed true. No one else was involved. I finally thought I had found the one that I wanted to be the one and spend the rest of my life with. And I realized that just after 10 months.

      But a year went by and an i love you didn’t come. And i know there’s not a time limit on this thing, but it wasn’t just an i love you. He never completely let me in. All the major big steps in our relationship i felt like they were all coming from me. I had to bring up, hey are we boyfriend and girlfriend (exclusive)–not cuz he wasn’t exclusive, he just didn’t like to talk about the serious stuff; i had to ask when i was going to get to meet his parents, i had to ask when i was going to meet his daughter; i had to the be the one to even ask him if he was married–we went three months into our relationship and he never offered that information to me on his own. he said he had a bad experience with a stalker ex, etc… And I accepted that anyway because I was falling for him. I shoulda known that was a bad sign from the get go. A friend once tol dme that if they had a kid, they’d be talking about them all the time. Just because an ex was a stalker and threatened his kid, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t tell me that one exists. I didn’t have to know where she lived, it’s a big city.

      But he never told me how he felt about stuff, especially how he felt about me. We were together for a year and he told me TWICE how he felt about me. He showed me. OFten. and in meaningful ways. But then sometimes he didn’t. You don’t turn your back on someone and shutdown because the topic they bring up is too serious or too petty. If your significant other is upset or bothered by something you should be able to squash it. And you should be able to share everything with that person, especially after a year. And to get him to show emotion, was just almost impossible. He never cried or really really got excited about much. He liked to just talk about small talk, the weather, sports, our current friends. Sometimes asking him about his past was a chore. He just had his guard up and I was ready to let mine down and I did. I was very vulnerable with him. He brought his down slowly compared to the beginning but I felt it wasn’t enough> And I cared for him and loved him so much that it would annoy me that he wasn’t read to do it.

      We would fight a lot. And I would start them, but they all stemmed from because I didn’t know what he was feeling or he wouldn’t talk to me about something or he’d just down down and refuse to say anything. In retrospect, what I’ve learned is that maybe, instead of starting fights, talk to him instead. But I just found it really hard because he was so closed up. I had to be sure I asked the right way or say the right thing so he wouldn’t get mad or get defensive. And then he usually would, so that’s when it would start a fight. Most of the time, I didn’t want to fight, just talk, but he usually misconstrued it as a fight. Maybe we just thought on different levels. But our communication ways were just totally different.

      At the end, I really really wanted it to work out. I still can’t imagine my life without him. I know it’s silly because I lived my entire life except for one year without him, but I just thought if any couple would make it, it would be us. But he said he doesn’t think the things that we needed to change to make it work are changeable. I was willing to change for him. And on many aspects I did change a lot to accommodate him. In the end htough, he did us both a favor. He’s probably right, there are things about the way you are that you can’t change. And if you don’t see something it wrong with you, you’re definitely not gonna change them for someone. You have to want to change them for yourself. I wish I would have caught him at a time when he realizes that, if he ever realizes that. I saw the signs I just chose to ignore them, hoping that he’d either come around or that I’d be able to block them out. I did learn from this though, that I can’t block something so important like communication and openness out. I guess in another 6 years when I meet someone else I’ll know that. And won’t be willing to compromise . I also learned that instead of starting fights to just communicate myself. I just felt that the guy should take the lead on certain issues. At the rate this relationship was going I think I would’ve eventually wound up proposing to myself.

      I’m sure it’s all for the best. Its just that very early period where it doesn’t seem like it. The thing is, if he’d be willing to just TRY to change, i’d take him back. But that’s another thing too. He doesn’t even want to try. I need someone that wants to try. That will fight to make it work. And a lot of times he let me down on that drive to “fight” for us. And I know I need someone like that.

    18. Thank you to those who had the courage to post their status. I am only about four days into a break up of a seven year relationship with a man I truly love. I envisioned a life until the end without any question. Everyone around us called us the ‘wondercouple’ and that we were perfect. He now tells me he has ‘never been happy’ here, and he has some issues to work out that he needs to do alone, and that there is no chance of discussing or trying to work on it. I am hurt, crushed, crying all the time, and I think it is partly because of the future that I lost, not the today. I can make it through a day. I’m not comfortable with the unknown of what my life will be like without him in years to come. The pain that I, and it sounds like everyone else, is feeling is suffocating and crushing. Knowing others are strong and going through the same thing brings some comfort and I thank you all for sharing.

    19. I do appreciate you all sharing your stories of relationship break-up — as “canali” wrote, it is reassuring to know that you are not alone in this experience. I love the image of seeing relationships as “ships” taking you along a journey. When in the midst of the toughest days of life after a relationship the importance of being sweet and tender with yourself, and take it just one day at a time.

      I see you thriving!
      Carolyn

    20. My boyfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me and I am not handling the breakup well. It all came very unexpectedly. Two weeks before he was telling me he wanted to marry me one day and now he doesnt want to be with me and doesn’t want to see me and barely talks to me. I don’t know if this breakup is permanent but it sounds like it is from his end. I don’t want it to be. I love him with all of my heart and I can’t stand the thought of us being apart. I’m trying hard to be strong and to give him space to work on myself during this time to work on the issues we had that caused our seperation. I know we were more disconnected in the last few weeks adn had been arguing but I never thought it would come to this. I just don’t know how to handle this breakup and I don’t know how to move forward. We live very close to one another and it’s hard to let go when he is right there. I’ve thought about moving but my options for moving are limited and would really entail a much bigger and drastic move that I’m not sure I’m ready to make yet. I’m so lost and so confused at this point I just don’t know how to deal with all of this. My world feels like its been shattered. I don’t really understand this feeling either because I have been in longer relationships then this my last relationship was 5 years and I lived with him for 4 of those years and when the relationship ended I never felt this pain or this loss but I can’t seem to get my ex out of my mind. I think about him all of the time and I am longing to hear from him and hoping that he will change his mind and realize what a mistake he has made but until then I need help in coping. If you have any other suggestions to help me to get through it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all your help.

    21. Today is the day for me… After 15 years and three children…. Gosh it hurts, but I have to remember that being alone ( without a mate) can’t be as hard and emotionally draining as our last years have been. The thing that stinks the most is to see how east it is for him to move on as if I, we never mattered…. As if we didn’t have 15 years together… I stayed home and took care of the children while he built himself a very promising career, and I’m left with no ability to support myself finantially and a severely broken heart… Thank God for my beautifull children.

    22. Like everyone else, I am also going through a break up. It is the hardest thing i have ever experienced in my life, and the feelings of loss are overwhelming. I met him when i was 20, but i thought i was mature enough to know what i wanted. We were together over 5 years. About 6 weeks ago, he told me that something in our relationship did not seem 100% right and that he no longer wanted to be together. He said he didn’t think that he loved me as much as he should.

      But where i am getting stuck, is trying to understand what changed in the relationship. I cannot understand what happened. Sure, it was not perfect, but there was a time when we were madly in love with each other. I just wonder if the relationship was really not “100% right” as he put it, or if he just has major commitment issue. (He was alot older than me) We talked about marriage and starting a family together, and now he says that he is not even sure if he ever wants those things in his life.

      I know that i need to move forward and be strong. I always say that everything happens for a reason, but it is just so hard to believe it right now. What is the healthiest way of dealing with this? I am moving into my new apartment tomorrow (thank god!!!). How long will this sadness last? I want to be happy again. I have never been depressed in my life, but this is the closest I have come. I want to wake up and be happy again. I don’t want to be thinking about this anymore.

      Also, is there any realistic chance of being able to be friends again. We both have alot of love and respect for each other. He was such a huge part of my life for the past 5 years, that it seems impossible to completely forget about him. We have a bunch of mutual friends, and we hang out at some of the same places in nyc. Should i not go somewhere to avoid the chance of seeing him? Also, I think the hardest part is going to be when one of us gets into another relationship. That will be tough. I don’t feel like I am in a place to even consider it yet? How long does it take before you feel ready to meet new people?

    23. thankyou for letting me read all yourn grief i wish you all well but i don’t think there is light at the end of the tunnel or any stronger feelings or moving on. i was married for 26yrs am 60yrs, he left so suddenly we were happy he didnt know why apart from he met someone and fell in love thats over two yrs ow and the pain is still as intense even though i have done everything ‘advised too’ tried and tried joined all those clubs worked hard helped other kept well exercised cried and cried to let the pain out but after two years still feel no different. i wish you all better in succeding it didnt work for me so if anyone else feels the same you are not alone x

    24. I am one week into a break up. we were together for two years but this is our third breakup. Last year I even moved out before and we still got back together. He always initiated it though. When I reflect on it, I miss the future like all of you said not really him. He always wanted to go out and drink and I was the little woman cooking dinner, cleaning, paying bills while he would do whatever he liked. He yelled at me all the time for petty things. But still…. I miss my security, and routine. Will I find someone? What will I do with my time now? Even after I did everything he asked of me why wasnt it good enough? All I can do is hope that things will work themselves out. Thank you for your comments.

    25. I met my husband when I was 14, we were married at 19 and started our family when I was 22. We have just recently separated after 27yrs of marriage. I initiated it, lots of fights, contol issues, anger and lack of communication. I know I did the right thing, my kids asked me what took me so long… I told him in order for us to get through this he needs to deal with his issues as do I, he told me he was dealing with them in his own way, he was talking to a female friend for literally hours at a time. We tried getting together once a week (as well as see each other at our daughters hockey game) I told him I still loved him and cared deeply for him but right now I am not in love with him, he told me that was gradeschool talk. I can not just turn feelings off after 33 years, I have only ever had one man in my life and that was him. Well as time went on the meetings started to miss a week here and there, and when we did get together all he would ask is are we finished do you want a divorce. I never wanted a divorce and I told him that I wanted him to see how lucky he really was to have a wife and three adult kids who loved him. Last meeting he said I need to know now are we getting back together, I said if you have to have an answer now then I would have to say no… four days later he tells me he is moving into his female “friends” basement apartment. He is moving an hour away from all of us, starting a new life with someone else while we are here trying to figure out why he treated everyone on outside our house so well but those who should have had a safe haven and love did not get it. This is so hard to get past, he is funny, helpful, laidback an all round great guy…. to others and yet he says he loves us

    26. I’ve had a double hit. I left a 14 year marriage in 2008. I was the one who broke up. I couldn’t move out of the house until last summer. And I had an internet friendship with a lot of sexual relationship aspects.

      I left my marriage because my ex-husband was very selfish and he hurt me. Because I’d become financially dependent, I’m still having trouble supporting myself and I lost custody of my teenage daughter to him. I hate having left her in that situation, with him, so that I could get out. But I couldn’t let him keep hurting me, and he’s not actually hurting her–I’m watching closely and it scares me.

      I feel like I got kicked out of my own life. I mean, it looks like I was the one who left and technically I was. I had to plan the divorce like an escape from Alcatraz. But when a guy does that, there’s nothing sane to do but get out.

      The internet friendship guy reconciled with an old relationship. We’re still friends and will hopefully remain so.

      But my therapist says I’m not moving through my grief from the marriage. I told her if she knew how to do that, that would make one of us.

      I’m willing to grieve, but I also have to try to support myself, and I’m afraid all the time. I have to push the fear away to get anything done. I try to make a balance between feeling my feelings and doing actual stuff, but it feels like no matter what I do it’s not enough.

      How in the world do I forgive myself for not getting a full run of productivity out of my days? How do I forgive myself that I’m having to accept help from other people just to keep a roof over my head, and my resources are dwindling and uncertain?

      I’m staying physically fit. I’m keeping my weight stable. I’m trying to eat right. I’m going to mental health appointments. I’m trying to get out and meet people without starting too much new relationship too soon.

      I’m trying to be superwoman and do all the “right” things. I’m terrified and I feel like a hamster on a busy-wheel.

    27. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost ten years a few months ago and still miss him everyday. It was my decision to leave because we had started to become aloof from each other and I had always felt something missing in the relationship . We both loved each other and were always faithful to each other but somehow marrying never seemed like the right option. Leaving him was the most heart shattering experience of my life because I still love him deeply but I met a wonderful person within a few months of leaving him. I fell in love with him but am a bit confused about my feelings. I think I am still carrying a lot of love, guilt and regret in my heart towards my ex and am worried that it will forever prevent me from getting into another serious relationship. I want to move on but the memories of the years with my ex and the love for him keep holding me back. I can barely remember all those reasons for why I broke up with my ex even though I had no doubts about them when I left. Maybe it’s because my ex was a very nice person and we had several friends in common who still say great things about him which makes me think that I made a mistake. Will I ever really be able to break up with him and move on? I know it would be the right thing to do both for my ex and for me as we were never truly happy together…

    28. I am 3 months into a breakup from a 3 year relationship. We broke up once before but got together shortly after. I would like to try again but he doesnt. In the end he just stopped talking to me and was angry so I felt I had to end it, although I feel like it was not really my choice. We moved to a different city together and both are families are over a days drive away, so I feel pretty isolated. I’m trying to move on with life, but I have so many decisions to make and having to make them alone with little support feels really daunting. I have some university and need to decide on how to finnish it, and if I should continue in the area that I started it in. I still miss him, we had some really great times together, and I felt that he was my rock…. that we would have each other to help get through anything. I go to sleep at night feeling alone and wake up missing that person beside me. I know that I will get stronger, I’m trying to work on myself, journaling, reading books, butI just want the pain to go away. All I do know is that I hurt this much I really opened my heart, and hope someone can do the same for me eventually.

    29. When I went through treatment for a chronic pain problem last year, I began going to AA & NA, not because I thought I had a problem, but because it helps to talk to people who have similar life problems. Going to these meeting has helped immensely with dealing with life’s problems. Now that I am experiencing the pain of hurt and loss of my marriage, I haven’t been finding those groups as helpful. Hopefully, by sharing with others on this site, I can work through these feelings and helpp others along the way. I would really like to try to save my marriage of over seventeen years, but I have no control of what my wife does. If she wants to divorce me there is nothing I can do to stop her. I am all of the place emotionally, and I am finding it hard to keep it together for my 5 year old daughter. We are taking her to a child counselor, but she is also hurting because of the divorce. I am trying to reassure her that I will always be there for her and that she can call me whenever she feels the need to. We are together every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. My daughter still wants to see me more than that. As I said in my first post, I am moving out today. I need time alone to really feel what has happened. My father has only been gone for about 7 weeks, and I haven;t thought about his pasing since returning from the funeral. I feel as if I have been like a deer in headlights since March, when I first learned about my wife’s affair and her desire to file for divorce. Hopefully, I will be able to begin the healing process, so I can be there for my daughter whenever she needs me.

    30. hi,
      being sweethearts frm school we got married n fought against all odds to be together. mostly it was living apart because of our work requirements.
      things started to get deteorating and even after putting in genuine efforts to mend it … one day she tells me shes sleeping with another guy n wants a divorce!
      i was dumbstruck for the moment but then i thought lemme give her watever she wants….
      its a tremendous pain …
      more than relationship ending i feel it was wat came from her…
      difficult to move on …
      god help me…
      n her too.

    31. I went through a divorce over three years ago. I finally survived that breakup only to now go thrrough a similar experience. I met someone and have been dating almost two years. I pad for everything and loved her with all my heart. Unfortunely I started feeling that the love was not being returned although she kept telling me she loved me. We had a major argument and now we have seperated for good. I feel like my world has ended and I keept wishing I could rewind and take back some of the things that were said or take back some of the things I did to contribute to the breakup but I know its too late. I have changed my phone numbers and erased the text messages. I just feel so said and lonely.

    32. I am 42 and for the first time i loved a man and started living with him for last 4 years. He tried a lot to work on the relationship. but he always liked to help female colleagues who had problems and we fought occassionally about it. He was living seperately from his family but visiting them every weekend to help his children. 4 months back he left me and i have not stopped thinking about him even for a split second. I come from another country and work here adn this is completely an alien situation for me. I feel as if the rug is pulled away adn i have no grounds to stand. Luckily i still do have a job and a place to live. My lover went to another woman whom he saw only for 3 weeks. She happens to be the sister of his classmate and he dumped me now. Since he left i hardly followed any routine and still unable to cope up. May be if i had worked on the relationship with all my heart would he have stayed back with me adn not left for the rich and beautiful. I am torn into pieces and my eyes have becoem dry after drying for 4 months. This kills me and the future looks dark, despite the economic independancy. i hope my lover comes back to me soon as i am still not convinced that this is over evrything looks as if it happened yesterday. and every second i wish he comes back to live with me

    33. After 29 years with the same man he has decided that he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He admitted that he hadn’t loved me for years and was staying only for the children. I have been feeling a lot of anger, frustration and bitterness towards him because I know he just wants the freedom to be with other women if he hasn’t already. How do you get to that point without even knowing about it? When you are busy with children, work, life….how do you not see it coming? The pain I am experiencing at the moment is sucking the life out of me. My grief is consuming me. I have so many questions. I know I need to accept that he no longer loves me but it is so hard when I still love him. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

    34. Your words touched me very deeply. Here is the Cliff’s Notes version of situation:

      I met the girl of my dreams; fiery red hair, deep green eyes, petite figure, extremely affectionate, loving, sincerely romantic, we fell in love the first night we met. 4 weeks into the relationship, the fighting began, and never stopped, only paused a week before the wedding. 3 days after we got married, the fighting resumed its post in our life together. We lived together as husband and wife for exactly 30 days. She moved out, and for 3 months we made some what of an attempt to work thru our issues. She confessed in so many words that she did not care for my daughter at all. That coupled with how she treated and spoke to me was enough to say it was over. It has been 9 months since I’ve seen or spoken to her, and yet occasionally I can feel the weight of the divorce crushing my heart. I plan to go back and read your articles again and practice what you said. I deeply thank you for sharing your own experience and I pray that you are able to find peace in your heart.

      God bless,
      TJ

    35. about 2 months ago, my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me. we had an intense relationship. for ages we were fine, we went on with our business, the respect and love and everything that is found in a good relationship was there. but then all of a sudden something happened and we were fighting all the time. i really have no clue why. he would never let me be right about anything, i know it sounds petty but when you are constantly being told your opinions are wrong its a big deal. i could never tell him anything new because he seemingly knew everything there was to know about everything. he stopped wanting to talk to me, he stopped wanting to see me. we stopped going out and he started saying my ideas were lame or not worth doing. he became very cold towards me. he crushed my self esteem. every time i tried to bring up any issue be basically told me it was my problem because i didnt have many friends, so i became clingy and needy and relied on him for too much. he was probably right, but instead of helping me with it, he kind of just threw it back in my face and washed his hands clean of any responsibility he had in the relationship. when he did break up with me, my whole world fell apart.. i didnt know who i was anymore, i made the mistake of defining myself by him. i cried every day for the first few weeks. it felt as if it was never going to end. i felt so worthless. but then all of a sudden it left, and i felt good for once. i could see my future was bright and full of hope, and i felt like i was truly going to get over him. but i ruined it, i went onto facebook. i saw that he had been doing things he hated doing with me. i saw that after just one month he was meeting new girls, his status was “great drinks, lovely girls all in all a good day at the races”. and it all fell crashing around me once again. how could he go out and meet new girls after one month? did i not mean that much to him? did what we have mean nothing? how is he over me already? and so now, i feel as if i have regressed. im crying all the time again, i cant think about anything else but him. but in addition to that, i am so full of anger and hatred towards him. i wish it was all over, i wish there was a button i could push to fast forward to a point in my life where i had dealt with all of this and had moved on, i am just in so much pain. i have talked to my mum, she suggested i talk to a counsellor, to help deal with the emotions. im going to do it. im also going to give myself a clean break. i defriended him on facebook, and have forbidden myself to go on. i have been holding all the photos and memoried of him in a bag in my wardrobe, so i am going to go through that and sell the gifts he gave me and get rid of everything. i cant have it there as a reminder of everything when it means nothing anymore. it has only been two months, and the road to acceptance and being able to move on is going to be long and hard. but reading all these stories at least gives me the peace of mind that i am not the only one going through this, that what i am feeling is normal, and that one day, i will be able to get past this.

    36. My boyfriend of 10 years dumped me. He was my first love, my first everything. It’s been almost 3 months. We still talk and we’ve seen each other since then. He told me he’s just not sure how he feels about me and something is missing and it has been missing for the past couple of months. At first I alienated everyone around me, didn’t eat and didn’t sleep. Slowly I rejoined the world and talked to friends and family. I’m just so scared all the time that I’ve lost him forever. That our memories and everything special about our relationship is gone. I keep hoping that he’ll realize he made some huge mistake and come back, but I know this hope is unfounded and it doesn’t help to hold on. I should instead be focusing on me and moving on to the best of my ability. But how do you say goodbye to your best friend? He was there through a lot of emotional and personal turmoil and he knows me best. I don’t want to shut him out because I do want him in my life…even if it’s just as a friend. I’m just not sure I’m ready to be friends. Right now it feels like no one will ever love me the same and I’ll never love anyone else like that either. And I know all of the people that have commented are going through similar situations but I just feel like I’m never going to move on, I’m never going to get over him and I’ve lost all faith in anything including myself. I wish you all the best and that it’s true that whatever is meant to be shall be.

    37. Viviana, I completely understand what you are going through. I too was with my partner for 10 years, i love him, it’s been 8 months since he broke up with me and i have cried everyday since the break up. He wants to be friends, and i just can’t handle the change in dynamics, I’ve known him as my fiance, not just a friend. I do not want to let go, but he keeps telling me to let go of our past relationship and move on. I don’t understand why we can’t be together, he says he loves me as a person, but can’t be in a relationship with me. I feel like there is nothing to live for. I’ve had an assortment of ‘mental health’ therapy and i feel like nothing is getting better, the pain has not decreased and time is only making it worse. I fear that i cannot go on like this, and ending all contact may be even worse than keeping a friendship. Whatever is meant to be, needs to be quickly. I’m wasting my life waiting for him, willingly. It’s almost a year, I’m losing hope.

    38. Found this website while looking for comfort, words of wisdom on how to heal and move on. My relationship of 11 years ended this past week after he admitted that he’s found someone else on a dating site.

      He so cheated on me, he made love to me in the morning, went out on a date with her in the evening (lied about where he went) came home and made love to me again. And believe it or not, it was the best it had been in many months. Then in the morning tells me goodbye. I feel incredulous, so used, and extremely betrayed.

      I don’t want to hurt, I don’t want to feel like the world has ended, I don’t want to think about it at all. I can’t hang on to love that was a lie, don’t want him back. Just want to move on and let it go. I’ve cried and felt sick for a week, I’ve said what I needed to say and moved out. Please let this pain end. Please.

    39. I feel like my life is over he was my soul mate and has touched me so deeply I can never imagine feeling good again , I know it was the same for him if we see each other we both cry so so much , he says he still loves me but love is not enough ! I thought love and compassion were everything , I thought we were made for each other and so did everyone else ( all his family ) everyone without exception . I fell deeply in love with him from the first time we spoke it was like coming home since he left he has said it was for him too , so what is this !!!? I’m empty worthless distraught and will wait for him forever I know in my deepest heart we are meant to be together , this pain this loss is tearing me apart I don’t feel real anymore in fact being with him was the only time I ever did feel real and alive

    40. My girlfriend of several years just broke up with me. The odd thing is that after she told me it was over she confided that she was planning to move in with me in a few weeks. Why tell me after breaking up? This makes me think she was not being honest. I seem to cycle between angry and sad and of course I ask, why?, why me? why now?

      Reading everyone’s stories does help, makes me feel less alone. Thank you everyone.

    41. i too found this site looking for some kind of magic wand to take the pain away after very recently splitting from my girlfriend of two years in a abusive relaionship which ended up with her attacking me with a knife after daring to ask why she was on a dating site yes thats right talking to some bloke about surfing, which i do, and she hates.after that being the last time she put her hands on me she was locked up and the cout date is fast approaching.after all this im still in love with her and finding it really really hard to get her out of my head.struggling tho.can t sleep eat tight stomach all the time. ive been through a divorce a few years ago and came through it relativlely un scathed but can t remember it being this hard.i thought this was my second chance with mrs right and my hearts tellin me its all my fault {shouldve done this shouldve said that} and my heads tellin me to try and move on.what a mess.the thing thats killing me is that she no longer wants me and there seems to be no remorse not even an apology.the site gives some really good advice ive already started to make notes of the way im feeling.its a horrible place to be and feel like this but time as i know is a healer its just getting there s the hard part.thanks

      • Glad to hear you’re finding some support through the site here, Andy! It’s tough to be waiting for an apology for one’s ex — they rarely come along and in the meantime we sideline ourselves from our lives. Take it one step at a time and keep on reaching out for support. One of my favorite questions to use is “What is the gift in all of this for me?” That can help to shift out of the doldrums of the initial shock and start to move through it.

        Best wishes, Carolyn

    42. I have been married about 3.5 years. The woman I was married to when she left was 47, never been married, held a job or ever left home. Her mother was codependent with her daughter and the same. I being 10 years older and more mature I thought, I could handle this time of relationship. How wrong I was. She spent 30-45 days a year visiting her parents and relatives that lived out of town, never spent a Christmas with me and my family and now has the audacity to blame me for not understanding. This is a perfect example of NOT listening to your inner self when that inner self tells you to rethink your actions before you make a decision and look more with your heart than your eyes.

    43. I have just left my Bi polar husband after 25years of marriage. I moved out of the marital home on 13 August 11. Our youngest 16 year old son came with me, and our 20 year old daughter is living with her partner and has her own life. My family are all in and around Manchester, and cousins and their families are all in Ireland. My parents having moved to Manchester when I was a baby.

      We moved to Cornwall in 2002 with our then 7 and 11 year old children to fulfill an ambition of my husbands. I had worked for my husband for 17 years as he has always been self employed. He had always been eccentric, but I loved him so much, but he showed a tendancy that meant the family were always in some sort of chaotic situation. The chaos becoming more and more the norm. This in the end was all I knew how to deal with, the constant sorting everyone out, until I forgot about me, lost my confidence, the friends I once had, or the abilty to have new friendships.

      The nature of the illness is one of drawing you to them, with heart felt thanks for looking after them when they know they are difficult, then when the manias come, the words of hate, and the blame for all that is wrong in their lives. I have been his unpaid carer for years, and I have a carer support worker as his illness is severe. All the money we had, the houses we owned all gone, spent not on a good time, but this business venture that he just would not let go off. I started work again in 2007, and then got full time work in November 2010, not a well paid job, but I get tax credits so I can just about pay mine and our sons way, with no help from my husband. When I started work I had the great fortune to meet with a woman who has become my gaurdian angel, and has been a source of inspiration. I would never have gotten through these last few years if it had not been for her and the help of another family friend. The latter has gone back to Halifax just recently, and my other friend will be moving back to Sutton in the not too distant future. And here I am, in a rented much smaller house, with my son, and only a few possessions, going to work, no immediate family nearby, and that wouldn’t matter if I were near, as my sister and I aren’t close. I don’t hear from her unless I contact her. I do have a few people around that I would class as aquaintances, but when my gaurdian angel goes back up north, I am going to be going through my divorce physically on my own. I feel I won’t have any other person to call in on for a cuppa and a chat. So I have lost my hopes of a more financially stable backround, the hopes of going for days’ out and about’ in this beautiful county with my husband, I can’t call on my family in Manchester, or really ring them or intrude in their lives, and the one person I really can relate too will be back to her own roots. My job hasn’t got great career prospects, but is for the council, working in a high school for thirty odd hours, with holidays off, and working 11am to 6pm. It is within walking distance, as I don’t have a car, and I just get on with it, I’m glad of it, and am greatful that I can just about manage to pay my way. Our son has just started college, which is also within walking distance. BUT I feel so alone, I’m not naturally outgoing, though I am not afraid of talking to people, and relate on a regular day to day basis quite well. I do find it hard to make friends though. I had worked for my husband for so long, and just looked after the family, the bills, and the book keeping, and all else home related that I quite literally dissappeared. Now having been away from family for nine years, we have all moved on, I feel that the lonliness I am experiencing will only get worse. Very soon there will not be anyone to have that coffee with, though I will always be able to phone my friend where ever she lives. I have known people that still write to me for over 30 years, but they too are scattered all over England. I keep going, and keep reminding myself that on the whole, I am doing well considering this has all only happened a month ago. I’m 54 and don’t envisage that I will conjur up girlfriends as quickly as I would like. And I don’t want another man. Will this feeling of isolation pass? will I ever be happy just to be on my own.? I’m lonley and frightened. Just had a little cry, but I know that that is perfectly normal. I too want the pain to end.

    44. Hi, I have been married 7 years. My wife and I split up and she wants a divorce.she took my 3 year old son and moved to colorado with her sister, leaving me in new mexico with our 6 year old daughter, who refused to go with her. I still love her, but I know it won’t work. The void is a scary place. I just want to move on. The thing that hurts me the most is knowing she will or has given herself to someone else, its devastating. I read the steps to recovery, and I will try by best to follow them.

    45. Hi,
      Like many of you it is so hard to talk or type about my experience and I was in a relationship for over 9 years and I too thought I would be with her until we both grew old and died. I really dont know where to begin and I generally go off in so many tangents. we met at a place we worked and for about the first 3 years it was over being perfect, it was so great. We were best of friends and as they called it we were in the honeymoon stages of our relationship. We never married and we did talk about it and I think we agreed that nothing would change and we did not want children either. I say “I think” because of what she told me when she broke up with me.
      Many of the things, reasons she broke up with me is so hard, embarrassing, sad, hard, and so many more feelings for me to even type here even to strangers let alone talk to anyone. It has been a few days since she officially broke it off but I sensed it from other things she has said for a few weeks now.
      As I have read online, many men like myself have a history of different diseases and cancer history on both sides of the parental family which is related to testosterone levels being low as mine has been. I mention that because of course it does affect so many things for me and the big thing is the sex life, libido, which for me has always been less than ideal.
      With her at first it really wasnt an issue and I was not nervous at all when I was with her which helped a lot. I know women go through many mental things but men do too and yes that is also hard. I think about it all the time every time and as they say I would psych myself out. Before her all of my relationship ended pretty much because of that, which from the womens point of view it is understandable but from my view it still hurts and cant get it out of my head.
      I moved across country for her/with her and she went to school but as she recently told me the last 6 years, since we moved she has not been happy and as she said she would turn to food to help her issues. Of course I would not help with that or help with her smoking, meaning I have been labeled an enabler, which I really did not realize I was or am. I would and have told her smoking is bad but I would get her the cigarettes because I wanted her to be happy as she would not stop asking for it or at times she wanted to go our drunk to get the cigs. Of course I did not want her to drink and drive but I did not see that I was enabling her. The food thing really hurt me too as we both gained a lot of weight. Yes people call it love weight or whatever but that was many of my issues. I was / am overweight, before I was majorly obese for my height. I also would turn to games or sports as I always did for many reasons. It was a get away from my troubles usually work or my personnel deficiencies as mentioned. It was never to get away from her to not to do things with her or ignore her as she would do things like watch tv that I did not want to do.
      I come to find out that, as she said I did not spend much time with her, she felt I ignored her. This along with everything else she has said hurts so much. How can I forget myself or how can I ever forget about this. It was never my intention but I still did it. She said/says she knows I have or had no ill will but still I did it or I did not spend enough time with her.
      Of course with our sex life pretty being at 0 because of me she said we have not had any romance and she has felt she is just with a friend, best friend but just, we kiss like I am her brother (this too just devastated and devastates me), she kisses our cats like how she kisses me.
      I can keep typing for ever and I may not be expressing myself clearly as I usually dont but I have not talked with anyone about this nor I feel I can. Yes, it is so saddening that I did this to her, wasted all those years of her life. As much as I love her, as much as she is the love of my life, I would and have and will do anything with her yet I could not make her happy. I keep saying that, why could I not make her happy, is all aspects? Why cant I make her happy?
      She has recently lost a lot of weight and of course I stated getting myself healthier too late but I still need to do it for myself. She has also been working a lot of overtime at work so I know she has been with her coworkers a lot, of course many of them are men. I am sure she sees she has so many better options and also we of course have lived together for so long now.
      Last few days she has not been home ( I assume she is doing what she wants to do and what makes her happy as she said) and she has been sleeping else where.
      Like many of you I am feeling all the bad feelings so no point of retyping them.
      I guess being the nice guy as I have always been labeled, being the guy that gave her almost everything she wanted, not just material things, being the guy that she spent a lot of time with for so long, agreeing with her or telling her she is always beautiful as I really do feel that way no matter if she was over weight or not or with make up or not, that is gone.
      I guess, I hope that she may still really love me, she said she does but it seems just like a friend and she does not see any future with me.
      She termed it as we both need to spend time on ourselves and see what happens. I cant just kick her out as she would not be able to live by herself but now I have let her be on her own, so I have not really said much to her. I kind of feel that she thinks I am mad at her or maybe I am making her even more uncomfortable than before to make her not even want to be in our house.
      I miss her so much and I am lost like many of your, like many of you have been. I know it takes time but it is so hard not having her there yet having her there.
      I know makes no sense but I cant distance myself with her right now. I have lost 30 pounds myself the last few weeks, months, at 190 I still have so much more to lose to get healthy, I have finally seen my doctor for my health, male issues, on medication but it takes time.
      I did not see it but for years and years I ignored myself and most importantly her without knowing.
      I know I need to talk about it and not just type about it but it is so sad, humiliating, embarrassing. I cant even talk with my family as I have never had a close relationship with them. She was my life, I did, told her things that will never tell my family. I know that may sound wrong or strange to some but it is what it is.
      I will leave you all be now sorry for rambling on.
      Hope all of your suffering out there with the troubles you have heal up, get to be happy soon, real soon.

      Thank you

      m

    46. I am one yr divorced after being married for 14 yrs. He left me for his Manager and has now married her. This pain is so unbearable that i dont think I am going to make it. I am so hopeless sometimes, and I think I dissapoint my family and friends who think i need to be making progress moving past this. I dont think anyone who has never experienced this can understand. I really am not sure i am going to get through this.

    47. My story is complicated. We are both married to other people. She was one of my wife’s best friends and a neighbor. She has been in a bad marriage for many years and came close to leaving her husband many times. Her husband has always been cold and uncaring. I always felt so bad for her as she is such a sweet and fun girl. My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have had our own issues stemming from when we had kids she seemed to have neglected me when they were young and I tried to talk to her about many many times but i was told by her that the kids needed her first and basically too bad, they are more important. I always resented to her for that.

      She started hanging around our house more and more and we started flirting with each other more and more and started sneaking some sexual touches.

      After a year of flirting and hanging out, her husband got a new job and she and her husband moved about an hour away. She never contacted us and just disappeared. She never contacted us after that I thought that was strange at the time but i never forgot about her and I thought of her constantly over the years until one day I found her on an online site. We started chatting everyday and soon discussed our feelings etc. it was apparent we were having feelings again. She and my wife reconnected and she started coming over again and hanging out, however this time her and I were starting to begin a real relationship, it went slow but them after awhile it became very intense and we fell in love. The sex was incredible. Nothing like I ever felt and I had a lot of relationships to compare to, and nothing was more emotionally or physically satisfying as this relationship. It was tough because we had to sneak around in hotels and backseats like we were teenagers but we had to be with each other. We texted constantly all day and night spent all of our time thinking and communicating with each other. We tried to see each other whenever we could. I was never happier. Neither of us ever had a relationship like this before. Everyone around us kept saying “you two are such alike maybe you should have been married to each other”. How ironic. We have been having this secret love affair for over a year and we starting to talk about what our future was and how we go about making a break from our marriages and being together. Well….after another fight between her and husband they decided to get divorced. I was caught off guard by this and the issues it would cause in our relationship. She started acting different, she was texting me less. Stopped telling me she loved me, she was getting consumed in the demise of her marriage. She always seemed happy to be out of her marriage but I could tell the reality of it was taking its toll on her. It was affecting us. I started to panic I was losing her I always figured she would lean on me more and it would bring us closer but the opposite happened. I started to tell her that she is slipping away but it was getting harder to get her to talk to me. I got her to call me one night and I told I know the divorce is taking it;s toll but I am here for her and tried to explain how she has been slipping away. I asked her what she wanted me to do to help her and I asked her if I should go away for awhile and she started crying and she said no she wanted me to stay and she loved me. I could tell she was not herself. I was starting to panic that the her divorce was taking its toll on our relationship. I thought she would be leaning on me more. But she became more and more distant. We had a day planned to get together but she had to cancel. I was frustrated and panicked. I was losing her. I told her to contact me when she wanted to see me. well its been over a week I had not heard from her and I am extremely depressed and sad. I miss her so much. After a week I left her a voice mail and asked to let me know if she still wanted a relationship or if it was over. She wont even respond and I am hurt and frustrated. I don’t even know if she is mad or hurt or even wants me in her life. I am devastated I lost the love of my life over a break up her marriage. I am in a purgatory of limbo. Not even sure I am out of her life for good. I can only guess I am. Ironically she disappeared once again not even any closure as to our relationship. I understand the stress of her pending divorce but how did she sour on our relationship so fast. It is a helpless feeling. I had no control of her marriage ending and how it would affect our relationship. Most people on this site know for sure by their partner telling them it was over I am in limbo. I can only hope that things will settle down and she will come back around but I know in my heart that wont happen. I’m so confused and my mind keeps racing to figure what she maybe be feeling. I cant sleep or eat and I cant imagine not having her in my life. I hope I can get past this pain. I didn’t mean to have this affair but it hurts just the same as any other relationship.

    48. To loose someone you love is sometimes not always a loss.
      I can say this as the man I was married to left me for a life with
      my mother and sister. This was done for one reason alone my
      emotional destruction. I however was the victor in this arena
      for it was the husband, sister, and mother who lost me for I
      refuse to allow one of them to re-enter my life’s arena. Yes
      this is painful, and filled with many tears (which is natural) and
      healing for me. By recognizing my injury/hurt/pain I move on
      with my life and my happiness by starting over for ME I share
      this with the world to encourage each of you to heal YOU/
      my

    49. As I’m writing this my heart is hurting so bad that breathing is difficult. Words escape me in how to explain this mess. I’ve been in a relationship for eight months with a man whom I love very much. It breaks my heart to walk away but I have no idea how to fix things. The problem stems from his child who is 12 years old. He is a very mean, rude, and selfish child. He steals things and when he is not doing that he is destroying my belongings. I have tried to talk to his father about his actions but not much resolution comes. His father will be hard on him and monitor his actions but then grows tired of being responsible and goes back to not paying attention to his child’s behavior. It’s very frustrating for me but I stand fast and do I can as a parent. My own children are quiet, polite, and have good manners. I’ve worked hard to raise them to be responsible for their actions and teach them to treat others as they would want to be treated. Recently my partner told me he is moving out because his child does not like me and wants to go back living as they were before I came along. I’m devastated and left wondering how could he choose this decision over him and I being together. I love him very much and simply don’t understand what I did wrong. I failed and need to know why but have a feeling I will never know. My partner does not talk much about the subject. My question is; how does one move on when there aren’t answers as to why it ending? I don’t eat nor sleep and have begun to withdraw from life itself. How do I get through this, heal and move on? Obviously I missed something and need to learn from this experience.

    50. i love my wife with all my heart. however she told me she wants a divorce. We have our arguments but i didnt think they were all that bad. did i say some hurtful things? yes. has she said hurtful things? yes. I married her because i love her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. All she says is we argue to much. i know the point of this forum is to help people get through breakups, and i have liked what i have read but it still hurts. maybe this is too fresh in my life. only known for 10 days. married 2&a half yrs, turning 40, will never be in relationship again. the pain will go away but i am not going through the pain of Love and Loss again