Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 1

RiverLet’s be honest. I believe separation, divorce, and relationship break-ups always have a gift to offer us, but the initial breakup period sucks. For most of us, when we’re in relationship, it feels like we’re on solid ground. It may feel comfortable and soft to walk on, or it may be rocky and painful, but at least you know where you stand. Recently a relationship with a man I loved ended. It was his call, not mine. To our credit, it ended with…  love and respect. Yes, we had felt some pebbles showing up on our path together. But his decision to end the relationship knocked me off my feet and into the void.

When a relationship ends, we are inevitably launched into a void or abyss, where there’s nothing solid yet to land on. This is when the emotional rollercoaster goes on overdrive. Falling into the void feels disorienting and we don’t know where or when we’re going to land on our feet again.

Living in the void is a critical time to really dance and flow with our feelings. My own loss of relationship reminds me how powerful our emotions are. We feel the grief, sadness and loss not only of the person, but the dreams we had and the opportunities that were not yet realized. Even those who initiate the break-up are not immune from this, although the degree of their emotional suffering is different than those who were left behind.

I was reminded of one of my children’s favorite stories when they were young.  It was about a family going on a bear hunt. Along their way they encountered obstacles like a swampy marsh or dark forest. Inevitably the conclusion was “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you can’t go around it. Oh, no! We have to go through it!” Our healing comes from going through and flowing with our feelings, not bottling them up or denying them.

There is discomfort in the void, often bordering on pain. Literally, our hearts ache. It seethes with anger. It curls up in despair. Yet it’s so important to take time in this vacuum. Emotions live on a spectrum, and when we cap the downside risk of pain, we simultaneously cap the up-side reward of joy and love. If we rush the process of grief we risk leaving some unresolved pain and issues within us that will make an encore appearance in a future relationship.

Recently one of my children developed an infection. It stubbornly grew into a swollen, painful abscess below the skin. Eventually the toxins built up to the point where the abscess burst, releasing the infection in the form of pus. It was the release the doctor and I were hoping for, but it was nonetheless painful. Yet to complete the healing process for my child, it wasn’t enough. The doctor had to make a small incision in the seeping wound to make it bigger. He had to probe within the wound with medical instruments and disinfectant to ensure all the pus was indeed leaving my child’s body. The wound had to be intentionally left open for a few days to ensure that everything drained out so that the healing would be complete.

Experiencing this drama with my child while I am living in the void of my relationship break-up was a great illustration for me. Just as my doctor selected from various medical instruments to probe my child’s wound, here are some recommendations for how to probe gingerly into our own wounds to ensure a complete healing.

  1. Use Your Breath
    One strategy I’ve been using effectively is to welcome and breathe into my wounded heart. I am celebrating each wave of grief or sadness as a sign of how willing I was to open my heart in love. Each day I feel my heart growing stronger, more able to love myself and others.When you feel a whisper of strong emotions starting to come up, make sure you take deep, conscious breaths. Shallow breathing doesn’t allow sufficient oxygen to come into the body and creates stress. Deep belly breaths help to quiet the ego-mind that may begin to start racing with thoughts in an effort to avoid the pain. Breathing deeply while having an emotional moment will help you digest the feelings and be able to restore a sense of calm and groundedness more quickly.
  2. Your Journal is Your Gauze Pad
    A journal is like a clean, sterile gauze pad for a seeping wound. A journal is a safe place to collect all of those internal thoughts and feelings that must be released. I would even argue that life in the void requires a journal. Otherwise the unreleased feelings and toxic thoughts that are created in relationship break-up simply continue to run rampant within your consciousness. It is also the doorway to connecting with the wisdom and gift of why you have manifested this situation in the first place. There are no rights and wrongs about how to journal properly. That’s just the ego-mind squawking. Just give journaling a try.
  3. The Medicine of Music
    Music is a powerful tool to explore and help you release emotion. One particular tune or lyric can touch your heart to either uplift you or stir the pot of sadness and grief. If you feel numb and don’t know how to jump-start the release of your emotions, music can do it. Some of my favorite tunes to connect to and come to peace with those sad emotions include “The Power of Good-Bye” by Madonna, “Fix You” by Coldplay and “What Goes Around Comes Around” by Justin Timberlake. In terms of connecting to anger, there’s nothing like “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette to help you feel it. Feel free to add your own personal favorites by posting a comment here on my blog.
  4. Celebrate Your Tears
    Yes, this is the time for tears. No need to bottle them up or keep a stiff upper lip. Talk it out with a friend or out loud to yourself and enjoy a good cry. I am training with renowned relationship expert and author, Dr. Barbara De Angelis, and she offered a beautiful analogy for feelings. She explains that feelings flow like water. When we bottle them up, resist them or deny them, it’s like we are freezing the water into chunks of ice around our heart. The tears we shed when we release our emotions are simply the ice around our hearts melting. Celebrate your tears not as a sign of weakness or neediness, but as a sign you are honoring your heart and growing stronger.
  5. Give Yourself Time
    Break-ups are painful and people struggle to dodge that pain. Quick new relationships, addictions, gossiping and ignoring personal health are ways we try to distract or numb out the pain. We can’t be too quick to heal the wound and need time to heal from the inside out. Sometimes our loved ones, hating to see us in pain, may urge us to move forward quickly and out of the void. But the void is the place where we will find the wisdom of the relationship breakdown, so we need to take the time to do our own inner work.

Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 2

103 thoughts on “Relationship Break-Up – Living in the Void: Part 1

  1. Pingback: Thrive After Divorce » Relationship Break-Up - Living in the Void: Part 2

  2. What do you do when the relationship has to end and it’s not the typical break-up. My significant other is in the military and had a choice between Japan and Hawaii. We live in Virginia. We are in love but I just got a terrific job and the orders are for 3 years. So we are breaking up when the plane leaves for Hawaii. I can’t explain the sense of loss that’s beginning for me.

  3. Gosh, Heidi! That is a difficult and heartbreaking situation for sure. There are no easy or quick “fixes” for what you and your honey must be going through. Perhaps you’ll find in the separation that you truly do want to still be together and things like jobs and distance can be managed differently. (I’m a big romantic though, so I’m always looking for the happy ending!:) One thing I do recommend to help you complete your relationship in a loving way is to have you both reflect and share with each other the gifts you have received from being in this relationship. If there’s anything that you want to say before you are physically separated, say it. Give each other those heart-felt acknowledgements and soak them in fully. Thanks for sharing and I wish you both the very best!

  4. My friend has been going through a breakup and now divorse for a year or so , and has to work daily with the little homewrecker who is a big part of this. My friend is having panic attacks is VERY angry and cries on my shoulder, and I am her friend so I am there for her. I am afraid of what will happen to her or what she says she’d like to do to ? She was married for 15 years, she is SO very miserable DAILY. She has been in a relationship for about 4 months and so not happy ,she cannot afford counciling, she is in major pain and sad and angry and wants revenge. Please help me help her.

  5. Hi Yvonne and thanks for reaching out for help on behalf of your friend. A few quick tips for you as a supporter for someone going through this difficult experience. Definitely have her do some reading on the divorce process or check out The Divorce Resource Kit ( This strong emotional spin cycle she’s on isn’t unusual, and the more she can learn about it the more empowered she will become. Another great book I always recommend is Debbie Ford’s Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life.

    Sometimes the best thing you can do as a friend is simply listen and let her vent her emotions. Be wary of diving in to her drama around it and feed the thoughts that leave her in a victim position. At some level, she co-created this situation as part of her soul’s journey. There is some gift or wisdom available to her. But instead of letting her ask “Why me?” invite her to ask “What can I learn from this?”

    Thanks for your questions!

  6. I am currently in the divorcing process. I feel miserably because I didn’t know to keep my husband, to show him my love and respect. It all started with his shortcomings, which I was not able to overcome, even though I am older than him(with 4 years). I just didn’t know how to forgive and forget. Now, I find myself completely guilty and don’t know how to survive with the guilt. It’ all too late and a nightmare. I see all the bad moments like in a movie and re-construct my reactions and I realise I have destroyed everything. He is not guilty at all. How can I cope with this, and move on?

  7. I have just had a breakup three days ago. It is so fresh..He did it over the phone…We were together 2.5 years.

    He sent emails stating that he would like a second chance with us after we are both healthy mentally. He is seeking professional councelling due to the tragic death of his teenaged child, which occured 2 months into our relationship. He never really expressed his emotions with me and put up a front making believe all was OK, yet it was not. I then tried to find out about our future together since we never discussed it, I guess I pushed too hard and he felt I backed him into the corner and he couldn’t take anymore stress and ended it.

    My only communication via email has been factual asking for our things. I know we both Love each other very much, but I am afraid right now to express my love and thanks to him as I am afraid I will get rejected somehow, and my pain will just start all over again. Should I do this so I can answer my question and know that it is finally over?
    I would love that we do work through our emotions and take another chance at it, should I let him know this too?

    Thank you, Karen

  8. My 10 year relationship ended 4 months ago. He withdrew, I wanted to try counselling, he didn’t.
    The first weeks and months were terribly terribly hard. I have never known such pain and sorrow. But slowly, very slowly, it got a tiny bit easier. I just let myself feel what I am feeling. If I need to cry I do, if I need to scream I do. He found it hard to communicate and express feelings. Eventually I did too. I thought crying or talking about my feelings with him meant I was weak – I thought that is what he thought of me – that I am too emotional. Well I am! So what!
    He is dating again. I am not ready for that. I had hoped time may change things for him, but obviously not. Perhaps it is easier to start a new relationship than fix an old one. I thought we were worth trying for, but alas. Although he did say he isn’t saying 100% that it would never happen again for us, but he doesn’t ‘intend’ it to…so to me that is saying 100% that it won’t!
    So I am doing good things for me, and losing hope that it may happen for us again. I just need to get on with life, find a new direction and get myself sorted out.

  9. Hi Karen, maybe keep the lines of communication open. If you do truly love and care for each other, work on you, while he works on him and maybe things will work out. Good luck 🙂 I wish that I had that chance.

  10. Im going through a difficult period right now, I never thought Id meet someone special enough to consider spending the rest of my life with, but 4 years ago I did, we spent nearly every minute of every day together. Travelled the world, had a great life, a wonderful home, and on the face of it an enviable future.
    THEN, as I came round to the obvious conclusion of a marriage proposal, and at the same time my girlfriend went away for the weekend with the girls. I was planning marriage, and when she returned she planned on ending the relationship. I just sensed it, I approached it and she said she had lost her identity and needed to find herself. She still loved me wanted children and a future….but in the mean time she needed to time on her own. So beit…..we had space and we kept ourselves to ourselves….and had a recent reconciliation, a mistake obviously!
    Here is my problem, the most difficult part of my life now, isnt getting over her, its seeing her every day as we work together, on the same floor doing the same job. We are both extremely successful and there is no chance of looking for an alternative place of work. Everyone says dont see your ex..I see her everyday and its a killer! Any suggestions on getting through the day… the rest of life I can deal with.
    Cheers, D.

  11. Thanks for the great sharing and comments everyone! Yes, Dave, you definitely have an additional challenge when you have to be in the same workplace every day as your ex-partner. I there’s a few key principles for anyone who’s exiting out of a love relationship to adopt. One, definitely give yourself some time to process your loss and be with your feelings (like Layla is doing). When you’re still an open wound inside, that’s a tough foundation to start building a new relationship from. Two, shift away from looking “over there” at what your ex is doing or thinking and keep gently guiding your attention and energy back to you. Ask yourself “What can I learn from this situation? What do I need in this moment now to feel loved and appreciated?” Ultimately, I believe these kinds of experiences are always critical in learning to discover and express our own highest potential. The more intense the pain, the more rich the wisdom, learning and power can result from it. Three, if you find it hard to move out of the emotional hamster wheel on your own, reach out and get some professional help or counselling. Please check the Solutions page on to see some of the solutions I have to offer. Thanks everyone for a great conversation!

  12. I am 2 months into a break up of a 12 year relationship, it has to be one of the most painful experiences I have been through. It all started when he took a job working for Union Pacific which required him to be out of town all the time, and then his Dad died and his mom wanted his attention all the time even though she was in good health. I have cryed everyday sometimes 2 or 3 times a day since we broke up. I wake up early 5 am everymorning feeling so empty and hurt. It is all so painful….I miss him so much… he is seven years younger then me I was afraid this might happen down the road.

  13. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (2 days ago) whom I was living with and was the light of my life. We spent almost every moment together and got along great. He was 34.5 and I just turned 27. He quit his job just before I met him and tried to be a professional day trader. Even after losing all his savings $90K and going $20K into debt, he refused to stop day trading, claiming it was his “job” and his “dream”. I have always been a highly motivated, goal oriented person and am pretty successful in my job. I might have been ok with his trading, but he didn’t seem really all that interested in doing it and had absolutely NO plan whatsoever, including a stop plan – but rather more interested in staying home all day and making his own rules.

    We were living together for a year before I moved into the studio in June (we lived in NYC). I feel lost, like I made a terrible mistake. We both still love each other and he told me it was hard for him when I was moving my stuff out even as I was fighting to hold back the emotion, quite unsuccessfully. I didn’t want to break up with him, but I was terrified that he might never stop this destructive path that was causing him to be depressed and broke. All his bills were being paid with debt and I felt like I didn’t want to go out because I knew I would see the debt again if I had any kind of future with him. The world spinning and I feel totally alone. I wanted to marry this guy some day and maybe even have kids!

    I made the terrible mistake of letting my friendships (few that there were) go by the wayside during my 2.5 years with him. I’m devastated and feel absolutely horrible that I had to leave him, and I miss him so much. But he didn’t want to change for me and I wasn’t asking for anything except for him to get a job since the day trading thing obviously wasn’t working out. Everything about him was perfect except this one fatal flaw. He didn’t want to get help and couldn’t see that he was spiraling out of control because he was afraid to go back to the corporate world or be employed by anyone else. He treated me like gold, but I could sink with the ship. Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed by his side and tried harder to get him treatment?

  14. Here’s one thats not so typical either. Boyfriend of 9years goes to Kuwait for work leaving me with the house, pets and all household responsibilities. After 5 months into his year long contract calls to say hes upping it another year and since he has seen so many break ups since being there, decides we should break up now because it isn’t fair to me. After 9 years he broke up with me over the phone!! Now he will be back here next month for vacation for 3 weeks. This is my house too. I have a 10 year old. I’m crushed and hurt and haven’t changed my clothes in a week! My son is taking care of me for heavens sake! How do I deal with him coming home? If I start to recover at all , he will be hurting me all over again.

  15. My husband is leaving today – it was my decision to end the relationship. We both were unhappy, but love one another. We are a little older (both 50), so we’ve both had our share of breakups in life. Here’s my problem: I’m feeling heartbroken even though I’m the one that initiated the breakup. I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt – as secretly I never really accepted him for who he was. Although, I never said this to him, I often felt embarrassed by his silly behavior around people. So why am I so sad and constantly crying? I didn’t think I would react like this — thought I would be okay with the breakup. I’m so confused now. I thought I made the right decision. I would often tell myself that I loved him, but not completely. I so mixed up. Please help understand what I’m going through.

  16. Wow, this post about living in the void after a love relationship ends has really struck a chord for folks! Thanks to everyone who’s sharing here and while we certainly can’t do individual coaching by blog post, I hope that sharing your pain and story here will be a step to helping you move through the discomfort, the grief, the anger and pain and into a new place of empowerment. Even if you’re the one that ended the relationship, you may experience this sense of loss, which is really the loss of the dream you had of being with someone you thought was your “Happily Ever After” partner.

    There’s no quick fix for a broken heart, but with tender loving care of yourself, believing that you absolutely deserve love, and asking yourself “What can I learn from this situation?” will help you on the road of healing enormously. I would also recommend you check out — I’ve created a powerful home study program that will help you map out your life after breakup. It addresses the most important pieces of relationship breakup that need to get handled – getting your emotional balance back, parenting, finances, dating & new relationships to name just a few. I wish you all peace and blessings and thanks for sharing!

  17. I was involved in a long distance relationship. Although platonic, She ended our relationship one week ago today. I said some terrible things to her, And am so remorseful!! I wrote three apologie letters to her. However, She cant find it in her heart to forgive me. We spoke on the phone everyday, Twice on the weekends, Texted eachother while at work for over one year and a half. I have never ever felt such despair and hopelessness, Since she said she will never talk to me again. I`ve cried so much, And have even told her so. I pleaded with her to give our relationship just one more chance. But to no avail. I miss her deeply, And my heart cries from within everyday. I so hope there is a promise of hope, That I will heal, And begin to live again.

  18. My husband of 17 years and father of my two kids recently told me he wanted a divorce. It did not come as a surprise to me because we’ve been going through some rough times for years, I wanted to get help but he had no interest in getting help so the gap betweem us just got wider. He is now secretly seeing a woman, the same woman he cheated on me with when I was pregnant with my son 16 years ago. she calls him every night and he sneaks off to the basement where they would tallk for hours on his cell phone. I recently came back from visiting my parents and found tampon applicators in the gabbage. I was deverstated. He told me to file the divorce papers but in our state we need to have a reason for the divorce. I cannot prove that he is seeing someone alse. For years I wanted nothing but a divorce from him but now the time has come and I feel so lost. I try to put on a strong face infront of my kids but when alone I break down. It is sooo painfull. How do you get rid of so much pain? I am trying to get help for my kids and myself and hopes that one day I can look back at this and smile.

  19. It has been almost been 2 months since my true love boyfriend and me have broken it off. I left my home town, gave up my pets and moved cross country. And when I true love he was my first boyfriend 15 years ago. We met up again at 34 and both were unmarried, and so elated to be with one another again. After buying a home and living together he wanted more independance and not so much a nag of a girlfriend. Needless to say after I tried and tried to make it work, he simply said its over and there is nothing to work on. So, I am in limbo as he has not moved out yet, but he goes out with friends and talks to other woman on the phone. My anger and sadness is fused and I can’t even make him move out yet because I am afraid to let go of him forever. But, today I am doing so, because I have to as I need to move on. I wish I had a better support system, but this needs to happen, financially crippled or not.

  20. My wife was having an affair for a few months before she told me one night she wanted a divorce. We have 2 young children ages 6 and 7. They were brought up in a christian home and we went to church every Sunday. She was involved with children minstries as well. This came as a shock to me. I couldn’t work, eat, and sleep. I was awake for 8 days before I got a full night sleep. My heart was pounding in my neck. I didn’t want my marriage to end. I talked to our pastor and we had two sit down meetings with him. On the second meeting, she said she wanted out. A few weeks later, we told our children. it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. They were ok with it, but I was not. I cried for a long time afterwards. i am moving out in a month. It hurts me too much to play house and see my wife so happy and uncaring. I told her that she should file the divorce but she is a procrastinator. It is almost 4 weeks since our breakup, and she has not filed. I want my life back but I know my life won’t be the same. I can’t forgive now but maybe someday. I love her but hate what she did to me. I don’t want her back but would like her to feel bad for me just a little. I lost all respect for that woman. I feel so embarrassed. Thank you. G

  21. and it’s also so tricky ‘falling in love’ isn’t it? mother nature is always wanting us to procreate and ‘extend the species’ so a bunch of chemicals get released in our brain in the ‘bonding’ period…psychologically we project, wish, hope too much sometimes…or lust, loneliness and the need for validation/attention are powerful drivers getting us involved (I’m guilty as charged!) without using our rational faculties in assessing if this person is really ‘right’ for us (see ‘intellectual foreplay’…a book i’ve enjoyed and hope to implement it more in my next voyage)… we ‘ignore’ or playdown the red flags…or don’t really talk about them before we get further invested (again i’m guilty of this, too)….such is ‘love’….

  22. My boyfriend just broke up with me over the phone the weekend before christmas with a 2 sentence explanation and now is in shut down and won’t respond to my attempts to talk to him. He won’t answer calls/messages (I have made 3 over the space of 8 days).

    He chased me extensively when we met and as my barriers caved in I really fell for his beautiful soul. Our relationship has been very very loving. He cared for me deeply, ’loved me’, ‘Had me on a pedastal’ in his words. We both put in soo much effort and only a month ago said he would like to get engaged. We had barriers moving into together as being older (34 and 38) we had already established our own homes/lives seperately. I truly loved him however we had different social classes and he had a bad upbringing. We have always both been very fair and I thought we were well balanced. Then recently he has been saying he has been depressed as we lost a pregnancy (I was devastated – I went to counselling but he only joined me on one session) and was sad that we didn’t see each other enough. I spent whatever spare time I could with him and vice versa still allowing both of us time out for maintaining our other friendships.

    Our social class difference has come into play which I was battling to overcome. Things that now I feel so much guilt over – I think unintentially I attacked his self-esteem. I wanted to encourage him to be motivated to alter his self confessed unhappy work path and low pay. The area he lives in is a lower socio-ecomonic location than me and I have worked hard for my assets (study and committment) and what I have, and have a hard time giving it up. He would not move in with me as my place was not suited to him and I said he would have diffuculty moving in with him as the neighbourhood is undesirable and not where I would ever choose to live (partly out of hurt that he said he would move in and never did). I now feel like a superficial snob and I had never perceived myself that way before but with his damaged ego, he won’t even talk to me other than to say ‘he has neglected his friends and nothing has changed in 3 years’. Its hard to hear as up until the break up call he kept telling me he was depressed and struggling because he ‘didn’t see me enough’. Now the shut out when I really want to talk things through and think of the beautiful soul I have lost leaves me absolutely devastated on so many levels. Shattered dreams of our future, of a family (now I am 39, no children) and mostly the hurt I have inflicted on a loving soul. I have harshly learnt qualities are more important than materialism but I thought I already knew that?? I don’t know what to do short of going crazy. The pain is soo intense. The guilt is horrendous. The resentment and anger is also hard – I think it is cruel the way he has shut me out with only a 2 sentence answer – I can’t process this well at all. I feel like this all sounds so stupidly trivial but it is breaking my heart every minute of every day. The man who loved me so much has now shut me out so completely. What do I do?

  23. I guess, like most others on this site, I too am right in the middle of a divorce. I have been married to the same lady for 15 years. We have 3 beautiful children – ages 13, 11 and 9. I am the one that actually filed for the divorce – I did this 3 days ago. She was served with the divorce papers today. I feel so sad and empty on the inside. I feel as if I’m losing the person that is half of all my dreams. I feel as if there are still so many great things to happen to us as a family. I love my wife with the deepest part of my soul. I can look at myself in the mirror – and see the mistakes I have made throughout the years – both as a husband and as a father. But I can also see a really good person – one of the most giving people you’ll ever meet.
    I’ve never been a good communicator with my wife. I think this has a lot to do with how I was raised. I love her so much. There has been so many times when I have something I really want to say – I can feel it on the end of my tounge. I want to tell her how beautiful she looks – how much I love her – but I have really failed with the ability to vocalize my feelings. Although we both have our shortcomings – as we all do – the lack of me expressing my feelings verbally has continually eroded our marriage.
    I can say that I believe that I really attempted to become a better communicator – but I guess I really never did – if I had – then I probably wouldn’t be finding myself on this site.
    I love my children so much. I am so worried about my children. I love all 3 of them with the deepest part of my soul and heart.
    I sent my wife an email today telling her how sorry I was for everything. How I wish I would have never sought out an attorney – that I wish I had not filed for divorce. That I just wanted to come home. There has been no reply.
    I know we haven’t been happy for a while. On the day I filed for divorce – it really seemed like the right thing for me – and I was hoping in the long-run – it would be what was best for my children.
    Why am I feeling like I have made the biggest mistake in my life?

  24. I find posting my feelings here is quite helpful to me personally. I did notice – excluding my post yesterday – the last post was made in September of 2009. I really hope others visit this site – it helps me to read what others are feeling.
    My wife and I have split up on several occassions. About 10 years ago – she actually filed for divorce – but we never let the process complete itself – I ended up back home.
    Through all the heartache and battles – I have always told my wife how much I love her – with the deepest parts of my soul and heart – how much I need her. I will admit – these words usually only come when we are almost at the end. I will also admit they have probably always been in an email or card. They have rarely come directly from my mouth.
    I’ve been staying at my brothers home the last 4 nights. My wife stopped by last night – it was raining. I was really hoping she was there to tell me to come home. I sent her an email yesterday telling her how I needed to come home – how I loved her. So I thought maybe that why she came over.
    I mentioned that through all the battles – I have always told her how I love and need her. But I realized last night – through these same battles and heartache – she has never said this to me – how much she loves and needs me – how much she needs me to come home in those times when I have left. I need this. I need to know this in my heart. I really hope I’m not sounding selfish – but my I need to know that’s how she feels about me. Not only has she never said these things in the hard-times – the more I think – I can’t ever remember her saying thses things. I wish she would call – send me an email today – telling me these things. I said them to her yesterday – but as mentioned – it was in an email. I miss my wife. I need my wife. I need my children. I need my family. I need to be home.

  25. Man…I really wish someone else was currently posting their feelings / what they’re currently going through on this site. This is my third entry. I guess I’m using the site as sort of a journal. It helps me. As I stated in my last post – I really wish my wife would call today – or at least send me an email. I really think I need to internalize that maybe she has never said the things I mentioned in the last post – is maybe because she does not actually feel them. Maybe with me filing for the divorce – she has realized she really wants to be divorced from me. So the regret I now have and feel – is useless. Maybe I need to internalize that my wife really does not want to be married to me.
    I feel as if I’m doing nothing but rambling on here. One minute I’m OK – and the next I can barely stand the pain that I feel in my entire body.

  26. I never heard from my wife yesterday. I sent one email – I copied my first 2 post on this site and sent them to her in an email. I was hoping she would be able to see how I’m really feeling – and what I need from her as well. I never heard back from her – no call – no email. I speak with my children nightly. I need my children. I tell each of them how much I love them and I ask each of them if they’re OK. I miss my kids. I sent my wife an email this morning asking if I could take the kids out to dinner at Chili’s. I told her I could pick them up around 6:00 – take them to dinner – and then I would bring them straight back home. I really miss my family. As each day passes – and I understand it’s only been a week – I feel as if she really wants to be divorced from me. How crazy does all this sound – I’m the one who filed for divorce. The last time I saw her was when we were standing in the rain in front of my brother’s house. I had sent her an email that day – telling her that I loved her – that I needed her – and that I was sorry – that I had made a mistake – and that I also needed to hear these same words from her. But she didn’t say them in the rain that night – and she didn’t say them yesterday. Maybe she doesn’t really feel them – that’s why she hasn’t said them. I think this thought – the thought of her not really feeling the same way I do – is what is causing the most pain in my soul and heart. I have so much pain in my entire body. I really do love her. I love my children. I love my family. We all deserve to be happy.

  27. Hey Darrell! Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us here! Although it was your choice to end the relationship, it’s clear you’re having a very challenging time. Making the decision to end a marriage is one thing. Living the decision and experiencing the day-to-day reality of it is something else. I would recommend you get some support, either through coaching or finding a local support group in your area. That way you can find some connection, wisdom and information from others who have been in your shoes. I’d also recommend you check out my award-winning Divorce Resource Kit, which can help you map your way through this maze called divorce ( If you have children, definitely get yourself (and your former wife) a copy of The 7 Pitfalls of Single Parenting: What to Avoid to Help Your Children Thrive after Divorce (you can get it here, or on any online site). Save yourself years of time and heartache by avoiding some of the common mistakes people make. Because you are absolutely right – we all deserve to be happy. You do, your children do, your ex-wife does. It’s a wonderful goal to work towards, and it takes a choice to thrive and learn and grow on a daily basis to achieve it. I wish you all the best!

  28. I have been through divorce. It is the most painful experience I have ever had. More painful than childbirth! I was married for 23 years when my husband cheated with a woman he worked with. He made the choice to be with her instead of me and our sons even though I was willing to work on our relationship. He told me it would be toomuch work to mend our relationship and it wasnot worth it. So I was forced to accept and move on. I did find a divoce counseling group and it was the most helpful thing I did. having others to talk with each week who were feeling what I was feeling was invaluable.

    I healed and then I found love again. This relationship was so much better than my marriage and i was so happy and hopeful about my future. I was cautious at first because I was fearful of being hurt again. Fearful that he would leave just like my husband did, with no warning. Over time I learned to trust him and gave him my heart completely as I beleive that he gave me his. We were together for four years and always talked about being together and what our future would be. We were not living together because he still had a child at home in highschool. We live in different cities but they are close by so we were togther all the time. Now that his son is ready to graduate, and the possiblity of us finally being together is approaching, he left. he left just before Christmas, and again it was with little or no warning. The night he left, returning his key to my house, I was really unsure what had happened. An innocent conversation suddenly turned into I am not ready to live together and don’t know if I ever will be. Then he was gone. I tried to get him to tlak with me for a week or so after but he absolutetly refused to talk. Finally after 2 months he sent me an email telling me that he just cannot make a commitment. He proably never will. I think he is realizing that he has some scars from his former marriage that he did not know he had. i really do not beleive that he entered our relationshhip knowing that he would bail out in the end. But here i am, once again alone, without the man I love, and with my plans for the future dashed. And I feel particulalry hurt again, that he did not think our relationship was worth the effort of facing his fears. It feels to me like I was not worth it.

    I know that I will heal. I have done it before but it is an slow and painful process. Filling the hole that is left when your love leaves your life is not an easy task. I am so sad and disappointed to find myself here once again. i don’t know if I will ever have the strength and the faith to try again.

  29. I ended an unhealthy relationship recently that I have been unsuccessful in ending for years. I just found this website today, it is insightful. I still have those feelings of longing, severe pain and loss even though I ended it. I ended it because I wasnt happy, I lost myself in the relationship. I lost touch of what I stand for, for what made me who I am, I compromised too much of myself. I finally looked in the mirror one day and realized who I had become. the person you are with should enhance you, not change you, the days should be a harmonious walk through life – not a continous battle. I found a therapist and I am going today. I found that I need help to get through this and I’m determined to find the woman that I once was, I had so much pride in myself and my accomplishments. I’m determined to find out why I gave away so much power to someone else, and to someone so undeserving.

  30. I have just spent 25 years in an abusive relationship. Physically abusive at times, but not on many occasions. Although once is once too many. It was mostly mental abuse. Telling me my son was gay, when he wasn’t. Locking me in my bedroom so I was captive for hours. Stopping me going to work because men also worked there. Playing “mental” games to get me to think I was making mistakes all the time. Throwing my underwear all over the garden because I spent longer at a friends for coffee than he thought I should. etc.etc. I finally left as my “NEW YEARS RESOLUTION” ! After trying to please him by spending my money on a great Christmas for him and his family. I was told it was not good enough and he never wanted to see me again. The next day he behaves as if nothing has happened or been said! I finally left, but feel devistated that 25 years has ended this way. I am living in my RV, feeling VERY depressed, lonely and with no future. My finacial status is not good, but I am just making out. I miss him but I know I can’t return. I can’t take any more and at 61 years old I am giving up the will to fight him. I know I have to start all over again, but have I enough years left to ever be happy again?

  31. I am 11 months into a separation and I am still an emotional wreck. It was my choice for us to break up, and now I feel bereft and I miss my husband so much. I know it probably wouldn’t work for us to reunite, and there were reasons for the separation in the first place, but the hurt won’t stop, I feel like I’m losing my mind, and that I’ve lost my best friend. We have had a very civil split, and are still quite friendly with one another – but I think it would probably be easier if I hated him! I know that there are no hard and fast rules around the time it takes an individual to grieve, but I was expecting to begin to feel a little bit better by now. I still feel the same physical heartache that I felt early on, and still find myself wailing out loud at times. It’s just horrible. It is good to visit forums like this as it is cathartic reading others’ experiences, that we all feel the same and I am not going mad.

  32. My girlfriend of nearly 5 years (we lived together for 4) called our relationship off three days ago. I knew something was off about 5 months ago, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Her world revolved around me and mine her…but she became distant almost suddenly. She withdrew from me and would get angry when I asked what was going on. Finally, she told me that she had been thinking about leaving and it caught me off guard. She didn’t leave after that, but she might as well have since I becam a wreck and worried constantly that she was either cheating or going to leave very soon.

    She told me that she was getting tired of my paranoia, but she said a lot but actually did little to asuage my fears. Finally, she told me that she could not handle “us” anymore and that she “was done”. She moved out the next day while I was at work without so much as a goodbye. She left all the things she didn’t want (me included) at the house for me to sort through. Worst part is, she would not admit to cheating despite the signs being pretty clear.

    At least if I knew exactly why the relationship ended, I could process this. I go through waves where I am angry because I think she probably was cheating and then intense sadness because I miss the woman who loved me once. If someone else had her attention, it would explain a lot….like how she could just pull away and leave after 5 years of a solid relationship. I guess I’ll never know.

  33. My situation is different than all the rest that I have read. So here is the situation….I was with my boyfrienbd for 5 years and within those 5 years we broke up off and on. I met him when I was 21 and he was my first boyfriend. I used to go out a lot and drink and do stupid stuff when I drank like cheat on him a few times, which he found out about. So it was last year that I had turned my life around and stoppoed going out. THEN I went out of town on a trip with my sister and I slept with a random person who I found out was the father of my unborn baby. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the one time stand when I told him I was pregnant and that it was his. I really didn’t think that the man I had the fling with was the baby’s father, but I guess I should have known. I think I was in denial and just didn’t want to face it. So 5 months went along and I finally told my doctor that I thought the baby was a random guys and then we got a DNA test completed while in the womb and that was when all hell broke lose and we broke up. Now I am 7 months pregnant and am experiencing expreme grief over our break-up. I can’t sleep, everytime I think of him I get a lump in my stomach. I have panic attacks where my hear races. All this started after I found out my ex was datign someone else. I never knew what I had until it was lost. He is a great man and I can’t see myself without him. He is so gentle, he cooks, he cleans, he caters to my needs, he loved me throughout the ups and downs, as well as loved I am afraid I will not find a man like this who will love all my imperfections. I have extreme guilt. Even though it takes 2 to make a baby I find myself hating and resenting the baby’s father for putting me in this situation. I get nauseaus just thinking about him. I am definiely going through the stages of the grieving process. I even told my ex that if we ever got back together that I would spend my time trying to make things up to him and be the best girlfriend. He says that if we did get back together that the baby would be a daily reminder that she was conceived while we were together. I think the normal grieving process is a little more complex with my situation.

  34. My husband and I were married for almost 7 years, and he wants a divorce. Sadly in the first year of our marriage, I had a stillborn, but he was so wonderfully supportive. I think my problem is I never REALLY got over the loss. Then my husband and I had this idea where we would be truck drivers together. I thought it would be great, adventerous, and a way to escape my problems of being unable to have a child. Anyway, the first year of driving was okay…then the second year was a nightmare. We barely had heart to heart talks anymore, the sex was pretty much nil, and when we did arrive home after weeks of being on the road, he would go to one room and I would go to another. He always had trouble telling me what he was thinking, so it was frustrating not knowing. Like a fool, I mentioned maybe we should seperate. Well, i gave an inch and he took a mile, cause after I said that, he immediately steered the conversation towards divorce and he’s never looked back. After a month, on our wedding anniversary, he invited me over to his place (I’m living back with the folks), and so I dressed up and got all pretty and went over there just so he could tell me there was no hope for reconciliation. Now, I just at home, staring off into space and basically…MISERABLE! Will I ever be happy again? If I did cause the divorce, then if I marry again, will I do the same things? I hate being in the mist of this pain…it’s all consuming!

  35. I’m in my 3rd week of ending a 10 year relationship. We were supposed to get married this August. I am still in denial, thinking, we should get back – but this website helped me to understand that I am trying to fill the void, that this void and this urge is something everyone goes through. Like Darrell, I was the one who ended it and like Allison, he doesnt have a job and has no motivation in life. I was willing to support him all the way and help him reach his potential, I really signed up for that, but he has just gotten in way too much into my schedule and efforts with no results and I just feel personally hurt that he never makes an effort. The dream, was not shared. It was just mine. He’s now off trying to find his own dreams while I am left with the one I had for us 🙁

  36. Me and my ex broke up in Dec 2009 after 5 years. He cheated, we stayed friends, and he started hanging around with me and my best friend. I then found out he got the girl he cheated with pregnant, which was very upsetting as we were trying for children ourselves (which was unsuccessful). But being the person I am, I forgave him and wished him every happiness and still remained friends. Then I noticed my friend was acting very flirtatious around him, and he with her, so I asked out right and she said she had feelings for him, which I could deal with, but when I asked if he had those feelings, would you act upon them, she said yes. Heart broken, within 3 months I lost my fiance and my future, then my best friend. But, again, being the forgiving type, we have now started to get together when with other friends. I am still friends with my ex, but I have just found out that he has been visiting her house, doing DIY. That is all my other friend told me, and at the time I didn’t want to ask anymore, as I couldn’t of taken it if anything else had happened. Now after not speaking after awhile, (Me and the now ex best friend speak occasionally but not so much for the past month or so) I put something totally unrelated as my Facebook status and she wrote on it, saying something highly suspicious and the last time I spoke to the ex, he sounded rather vague and wouldn’t talk about her with me, which I understand maybe be awkward for him, but I thought it weird. I would of thought, seeing how much it hurt me, that they wouldn’t see or speak to each other, but obviously not. And now all those hurt emotions keep coming up, it’s been a good few months now, but it seems it’s just one thing after another for me since the start of the year ( I am also ill at the moment). Is it normal to have highs and lows this long after a break up? I know I’m grieving both of my relationships, but when does it end? I am fed up of going weeks without feeling upset, but then something happens and it feels so fresh!

  37. Love your advice, thank you for writing this. I’m still getting over an old relationship (was very serious, I was deeply in love) because I’ve kept it bottled up inside all these years.

    Here’s some more songs for the heart-broken:
    Dido – “See the Sun”
    Whitney Houston – “I Will Always Love You”
    “Sister (Miss Celie’s Blues)” from The Color Purple (not a break-up song, but so sweet and it still fits the mood)
    Martina McBride – “Wrong Baby Wrong Baby Wrong”
    Michelle Branch – “Goodbye to You”
    Blue October – “Hate Me” (probably the “worst” song I’ve listed, but fits the context of my personal breakup perfectly, so it helps me)

  38. Where do I start. I have been married for seventeen years and 8 months. Things started going downhill after my wife’s mother died in 2002. She went through a very diifcult mental breakdown, and I wasn’t able to pull her out of it. She made me feel that it was my job to fill the void in her life, but I couldn’t I felt empty inside after awhile. In 2004, we were involved in a really bad car accident and she suffered a closed head injury. She was never the same after that. We stayed together for our daughter and tried to get along but we kept growing apart. I went through some really difficult pain medication problems from 2007 – 2009. I finally got the help I needed in 2009, and started trying to work on my problems. I guess that made her jealous, and she started questioning where I was. I have ALWAYS been faithful to her. Finally, in December of 2009, I told her that I no longer had feelings for her, because I was angry at being constantly reminded of my past actions. I tried to apologize in February of this year, but it was too late. In March, I found out that she was seeing someone, and I confronted her about the affair. She told me that she planned on pursuing the affair as well as a divorce from me. March 31st my dad dies, and our 5 year old daughter and I flew home to NJ for the funeral. When I returned, I found out from the neighbors that she had her boyfriend over the house while I was at my fathers funeral. We have stayed in the same house for the sake of our daughter, but I will be moving out today. I have asked her for this trial separation in order to see if we can work things our before proceeding with divorce. I really don’t think that anything can stop the divorce from happening. There are many reasons for me not wanting to be divorced from my wife, but I really don’t know if I will be able to rebuild the trust I had after the affair, and what I perceive as being violated in my own home when her boyfriend was in my home. I don’t want our daughter to be the product of divorced parents, but I also don’t want her to be hurt by the arguing.

  39. I can really identify with what you describe Lucy.
    I split from my partner after 13.5 years together. After 10 months I still feel so much pain and heartache. The split was mutual and we remain in weekly contact. I also feel like I’ve lost my best friend. It’s as though someone has reached inside and is physically hurting my soul – the pain is physical. A few months ago I started taking antidepressants which helped, I stopped them after thinking I was better. Now I feel worse than ever, so started on them again. I feel as though a part of me has been in denial of the relationship ending and now it’s beginning to sink in. It’s good to know I’m not alone in my pain and sense of depair

  40. Wow, the stories and sharing that is happening on this comment thread is truly amazing! If this blog post can be an outlet for some of these difficult feelings to be expressed, that is great. Feeling your feelings and being willing to move through them instead of stuffing them down is key. If they are persistently strong and you feel really stuck in them, find yourself a divorce counselor and get support in doing your own emotional homework. Thanks for the suggested playlist of tunes, Nessa – much appreciated!

    There is so much that feels topsy-turvy in the land of separation and divorce. I’ve put together some of my best information/interviews/strategies to help you put the pieces of divorce together in my award-winning Divorce Resource Kit. You can learn more about it at Dealing with the end of a significant is never easy, but you can move through it more quickly, with less heartache and more clarity with the right tools. Thanks for your comments!

  41. Hi everyone – after reading all these posts, I could so relate to it all. I am going through a divorce too. We’ve been married 7 years, and we’ve had more downs than ups the past year and many threats of divorce. This time round, my husband decided to really go for it. I thought I wanted the same thing and would be ok, but I am plain shattered and feeling like I am in a living hell.
    This has been going on for a while and I am having huge difficulty coming to terms with it. I have tried talking to him, pleading with him, emailing him, getting friends and family to talk to him, but he is not budging.
    I feel so scared about the future. I care for him deeply because he is a good guy, and I love him in my own way. I firmly believe that most marriages can be worked out if we take the time to step back and re-evaluate our approach to problems and our behavior in general. But the laws makeit all too easy to get a divorce without allowing for a forced separation period first.
    I have lost so much weight since this all started. I have trouble sleeping at night some days. Feel like my blood pressure is up because I feel this pounding in my head. Yesterday i just cried and cried all day – felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I just want everything to be ok again. I can’t even bear the thought of having to start packing my things and moving out…getting use to living alone. And no matter what, everytime I am with couple friends, I feel so left out and feel that huge sense of loss of what I once had.
    Lots of regrets for my share of the mistakes – wish I could have the chance to start again on a new foot with my husband.
    Someone mentioned how they wake up at 5 AM in the morning and feel this huge void – that’s exactly how I feel. The hardest part of the day is wake up time in the morning. My eyes open and I lie there with this horrible dread and emptiness in my heart and I just want to crawl into bed again and die. I go days without showering just because I dont have the energy to get up on time to do so. Dont feel hungry, dont enjoy anything. Certainly not interested in dating at all.
    When does it get better?

  42. It has been a litlle over two months since I learned of my wife’s affair and wish for divorce. I am now living on my own, and I have little contact with her outside of our five year old daughter. I have been journaling once or twice a day, and I have been talking about my feelings, which has helped me to work through my anger. Our daughter has been staying with me four nights a week, and is asking if she can stay with me all of the time. She is very angry at her mother, and has been acting out when she is with her mother. About a week ago, she deliberately slammed a door on her mother’s arm. My wife called me looking for me to discipline her, but I didn’t. I told her that I wasn’t going to get involved. I spoke with my counselor about this, and he advised me that I need to stay out of her problems. We have been taking our daughter to a child counselor to deal with her feelings. While I am moving toward acceptance of what has happened, I am still having a difficult time understanding why she had an affair. I feel that this was a deliberate, personal attack at me. I don’t think that I deserved to be treated like that. I try not to dwell on these feelings, especially when my daughter is with me. I am trying to be as strong as I can for her. She didn’t do anything to deserve this, and she is the one who is being hurt the most by this.

  43. After reading several comments, I thought perhaps I could feel some relief in writing my own. I have been happily married for almost 5 years, together for 14 years. He is considerably older than I. About a year and half ago, I began an extramarital affair with someone I became close to. The element of passion and invigoration was unbelievable. We did lots of things together and I didn’t care who saw us or knew about us. I found out about 2 months ago, that he had been having another affair with one of his best lady friends to whom he was also close with her husband. I knew her and had been friendly with her the whole time we were together. She knew we were seeing one another. When I found out about them I was totally shocked that they could betray me that way and that my boyfriend could betray his friend this way. It hurt like hell and although I knew there was no future for us, I feel let down, unworthy and totally bulldozed. After I caught them, he told me they had ended it but I knew otherwise for a fact. I just don’t believe that for most people they will or can stop doing the “wrong thing” when love and emotion get in the way. Unless they are busted, their love and desire for one another will continue to outweigh any guilt, hurt, or risk. I know, because I’ve been there.
    I am a complete emotional mess and sadly for me, I still want him. Embarassingly for me, he knows it.
    As for my husband, I have the best of the best. There is only one void. He treats me like a princess, trusts me, has fun with me, is affectionate and kind. He’s also 25 years older than me. I still can’t figure out why I’m pining for someone who I can’t trust and who betrayed me. Like the website says, I believe it’s the loss of a dream. I fear for how I will now fill the time that we used to spend doing things together. What’s wrong with this picture?

  44. My life partner and I lived together for 5 years. I moved out almost 3 yrs ago. We were not”together” but never discussed moving on completely. I just accepted things as they were, although stagnant, I just accepted it as normal. However, a little more than a month ago. He informed me that he was dating someone.

    It felt surreal. I have been on auto-pilot since receivng the news. I am consumed by thoughts of the past and how I just want to scream at him about the lost future together. He seems happy and I’m not, makes me even more angrier and hurt.

    I just want these horrible feelings to go away.

    He wants to remain in my life. I would like him to, but I don’t feel I can go on with my life if we stay in touch.

    I don’t know what to do.

  45. My boyfriend of 2.5yrs broke up with me 2months ago now and I have bottled everything up so bad I have myself in a terribly depressive state. He broke up over the phone which I think was the biggest kick in the gut initially it made me feel like I wasn’t worth the respect of telling me face to face and felt very cold. I had pinned alot on this relationship as I have two small young children 5 & 8yr who don’t see their father and it also opened up a new social network that I have lost. I feel devastated and terribly hurt, I have not discussed any of these feelings with him or anyone else, have lost my motivaton, stopped taking care of myself and not been there emotionaly for my children who are suffering due to this. It is reassuring to read the blogs and realise we all go through this grief no matter how long or what the circumstance or state of the relationship. I just hope in time I can learn from this and get myself into a much better place emotionaly for me and my children.

  46. Thank you all for sharing your stories here! It’s amazing to me how many comments keep pouring in on this particular topic – clearly many people have that struggle of how to pick up the pieces and move forward after a significant relationship end. If you find yourself really unable to cope or feel depressed, I would highly recommend you find some professional support such as a counsellor or therapist. There’s nothing like some personal one-on-one conversation with a trained professional to help you find your way through. Make your self-care a priority – sleep, exercise (great for releasing pent-up emotions!), good food, journalling are musts in my view. The other important issue to contemplate is what lessons are there here for you? Is it about deciding to be in relationship with someone who shows you the love and respect you deserve, and not settling for less? Is it about being willing to speak your truth in the moment instead of bottling it up and letting resentment build? Relationships are always co-creations, so our road to healing comes when we can see our part in that co-creation, harvest the wisdom that is available to us and then choose, with consciousness, to integrate and live that wisdom going forward. Blessing and best wishes to you all! Carolyn

  47. My partner and I just ended things about 5 days ago. As I deal with the pain I have searched various resources to help me cope with this battle, hence I stumbled upon this site. Of course I have been chatting with friends, co-workers, and anyone else who will listen with the hopes of relieving this pain. Here I am typing my feelings to the world as a last hope. I ended the relationship as it became evident it was going to get ugly. Heck we almost became physically violent, to which point I realized it should have ended.

    I analyzed the reasons why I was with this person, as I did not like her as a person but some how calculated my connection and attraction to her as love. I wanted things to end several months ago. We had only been dating for about a year and half, yet we broke up often during that time. I am eight years older than her and should have known better. I should have realized the instability of us being together and individually. I understand now that I became attached to her out of fear of loneliness. I was being selfish all along, looking out for my best interests the whole time. I never accepted her for who she was and I always wanted her to be someone else or hopped she would be. At least I understand now that I want to learn to live alone and be comfortable in my own skin and trust in myself. It seems that I find solace in relationships, wishing they would provide me a back up plan in case I shut down, depending on others to control my emotions when I could not.

    Although I have discovered some things I still feel the pain of the void I have been filling over and over again with the wrong women. I hope to deal with this void this time, and allow my ex to move on and myself. I do not want to go back and I hope I do not because I am afraid or want to fill this void. I want to be strong and live life for all that it has to offer without constant anxiety and fear. I hope this posting provides the first step for me. I think so ad I have never anything like this before. I appreciate everyone here and their courage to post their feelings even though we do not know each other. Thanks for reading and wish you all well.

  48. i broke up with my partner of 5 years 6 months ago. We had a home together which we lovingly made into somewhere we hoped to stay for several years with the hope of having a family together…we got engaged and from that moment on i felt incredibly anxious and unsure of our relationship and our future….a year after that i broke up with him… i felt like there was something missing and that we weren’t life partners…initially after the break up i felt on a high with all the new possibilities and i met someone new who i became involved with very quickly…we are still together but i find myself not happy and comparing him a lot with my ex partner…i have attracted someone who is opposite to my ex in so many ways and i want to love him for who he is but can;t seem to stop comparing where one falls short the other triumphs and vice versa…i am scared it is poisoning this new relationship and making me question whether its too soon to be with someone new…how long does it take to heal from a break-up even when you initiated it and is this new relationship a way of me coming to terms with whether i wanted to split form my ex? these are my questions..I would be terribly sad to loose this new person in my life who is everything i seemingly wanted and i know how hard it is to find someone right but am scared that if i continue it will end anyway because of all this and be more painful if i let it go on and get in deeper…i really don’t know what to do….Is anyone in a situation like this?

  49. I am still after 13 months trying to come to terms with the loss and emptiness of being on my own. I broke up with my partner of 6 years and thought there was better waiting out there for me. I now find, there isnt.. and I am so lonely and living in the past.. I do hope I can find peace and contentment and stop looking in the wrong places to replace him. I never realised how much I loved him and I am so lonely and broken without him. I contacted him yesterday and realised I have hurt him so much. I need to be careful of my motives and not hurt him again..

  50. I have recently asked my husband of 7 years for a divorce. Problem is its not the first time he has moved out…our relationship has been a roller coaster. But now that he is gone I am really feeling like I made a HUGE mistake. I realized we all grow and mature but I really blame myself for this and I want him back so bad my heart aches. I treated him poorly and I was never there for him when he needed me the most. I am a strong independent women with a nice career and I feel like somehow I used that against him. Now I really just want to give it all up and get him back. He is so confused and right now he doesnt want to make it work…I understand…but there are times I just can’t breathe. I started journalizing and praying and trying to do all the right things to help me heal but nothing seems to help. I feel so stuck….

  51. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. It was my call. My mistake was that I made that call in a very rash & unstable emotion. I kept closing myself & pushing him away whenever he tried to contact me. And after one nights phone call, I think I’ve pushed him so far that it’s really too late. Now when I look back, I regret not talking to him properly & want to patch up. But my ego comes in, and I’m not able to communicate with him properly. With the way he talks and behaves, it makes me feel that he has moved on. He also told me that after that night, everything for him shattered & he has learnt how to embrace life. Please help me as to how to cope with my mixed feelings of moving on, looking back at the past, my ego.

  52. Wow, what an enlightening blog.

    I’m not going to get into my own hard luck story on here. Actually, I’ve read fragments of it in all the posts above. Yes I had love and yes I lost. Yes I went through every step of grieving and know what it’s like to feel empty and almost hopeless. And yes, I do believe I will find happiness again. But this is what I’ve learned to accept…

    The bottom line is everything has an expiration date. People are selfish and in the never ending quest for their own happiness, they will disappoint you time and time again. I have been selfish and fallen out of love and not been completely honest, so to think it couldn’t happen to me is ridiculous. Why would I ever be immune from this behavior? People are people and while they do commit to you, they will always look out for themselves first. They will consider your needs and wants but only if it suits their own. If as a child you had a wonderful loving parent in your life, you will never find that kind of unconditional love in a partner. There is no such thing; it will never happen in your adult life. You could know someone as well as you know yourself and know absolutely nothing. It’s human nature, the flow of life. You will appreciate the time you spend with someone, but you will always know in the back of your mind and in your heart of hearts that it will end. Whether it ends by infidelity or death, it will end. While you may get caught up in happiness in short clips with different people or one special person, it will expire.

  53. My situation is different than all these other ones. But I do feel the need to talk. The relationship I was in didnt last that long, but I have never had those kind of feeling for anybody. It was insane. When he started acting wierd, I became clingy because I was so afraid to lose him. I guess thats when he started thinking I was crazy. He was so rude to me. Nobody had ever treated me that bad. Although, a part of me is a little relieved that its over, I cant stop blaming myself for becoming so despret to now lose him. Maybe I just need to work on my own issues.

  54. My long distance boyfriend of a year told me he wanted a break. I asked what that meant and he said he just doesn’t have the time for a relationship. He is trying to start a business and he wants to concentrate on his daughter as well since he was going through a divorce when I met him. We had just spent 5 weeks together and it was great, but I was going through some personal problems with life and death. I became insecure and fearful and this carried over into my relationship with boyfriend. He tried to be understanding and I think I pushed him too far. Now he won’t answer me as far as where our relationships stands. He says his feelings for me have not changed and would love a relationship, but can’t now because of his circumstances. I asked if this was a “breakup” and he just said for me to move on with my life since he didn’t want me waiting for him and he didn’t know how long it take for him to get his life together. I am confused by his answers, he continually says he just can’t give me the time. So I am I in denial and not seeing this as a “break up” and he has shut me out and will not say it is a “break up” and I am wanting to hear that so I can in my mind move on if we are completely over. Help!

  55. My husband of 3 1/2 years announced to me a few days ago that he wants a divorce. This came out of nowhere. He said for the past year his feelings for me have been slowly changing and he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me anymore. He said he’s been unhappy and I asked for examples of why and he couldn’t give any to me. I’m devastated and completely torn apart inside. He hasn’t initiated any conversation and when I do its minimal and basic. I will be moving out sometime in January but for now will be living back with the parents, who are an enormous supportive system. My parents, grandparents, and his mom believe he is going through a life breakdown and doesn’t know how to deal with it. I asked him last month if he would be willing to go to marriage counseling and he said ok. I just never made the call. I asked him again when he announced what he wanted and he said no, he wasn’t willing. I have been working on things he has brought up to me but apparently he doesn’t want to wait. He said he thinks he could possibly be happier on his own or with someone else. He has grown very close, I think, to his female coworker who he works with everyday, all day. He said he has “excited” feelings about her and he says he doesn’t have those with me. He admitted to having an emotional affair with her but he has acted on his feelings and does not have plans to. I am confused about why he would do this to me. I have been the best wife I can be and have treated him like a king. I am struggling deeply with this and it hurts all the more for him to do this to me a couple days before Christmas. I think he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I asked him if he really truly wanted a divorce and he said “I think so.” I asked if he felt he was doing the right thing and he said “I don’t know.” My family and his mom keep telling me to have faith and keep hope. Part of me feels it is definitely over but part of me also feels that he is just going through a deeply stressful breakdown and is making a rash and irrational decision. We had plans together to move home, set up shop, start a family, and begin our new life together. His behavior had changed slightly this past month but nothing out of the ordinary for someone dealing with mounds of stress. I don’t know whether to accept it is over or keep hope. I’ve been going to counseling which has helped but I am deeply disappointed that he refuses to go. I know this will take time to get over but as of tonight I am full of anger, anxiety, fear, dispair, etc. We are only a couples miles from each other but he will not intiate contact. I know what I need to do but I’m just scared to move on. He has been my life and I’ve given so much for him. I made my marriage vows for a reason.

  56. I hope this email helps–I was married to a wonderful woman for 24 years and this past year she decided to leave me.I was devastated–angry,hurt,and sad.I must tell you that a skilled therapist, supportive friends, and my teen and young adult daughters helped me to navigate the pain.I thought I would never smile again. I took the position to NOT communicate at all in any way–email,text,cell.When I did–it was contentious and toxic.So it is really ‘radio silent’. My heart is broken but my spirit is coming back and I wish this for ALL of you here.Listen, I am still in the ‘tunnel’ but little by little I AM STARTING TO SEE LIGHT. I am not going to be defined by the woman who left me.And you should not be defined by the man/woman who left you.One who travels far(i.e. long) is bound to bump into a cactus–and know that like a gem that has been cut and grinded–the facets are made even more beautiful. It is brutal and I am living proof that life is so unpredictable….We were called the AL AND TIPPER GORES of our world(before THEY SPLIT)—-STAY STRONG AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND MOST IMPORTANT–BE PATIENT WITH THE PROCESS..

    • Hello, your post mirrors my life right now. Together 24 years, husband had/ is having an affair with our closest friend’s wife. He left me for her etc. I was just wondering how long it took to get to the end of that tunnel and step into the light. Everything inside me is numb and I’m afraid that I will never be able to trust anyone again. Everyone, including myself, thought we were the perfect couple/family. Now, we are the front page of the gossip news. Hope all is well for you.

  57. I’m about 4 months divorced and still just broken. We were together for 19 years. She had 3 children from a previous marriage. I had none and now it looks like I never will, just one more blow it seems. I know I had my part to play in this but she refuses to acknowledge hers at all. I’m the perfect scapegoat for absolving her of any problems we had. Her oldest son was a drug addict for 5 years, living with us. She did nothing about it. I finally wound up in the hospital, suicidaly depressed over it. She abandoned me there. Filed a restraining order despite the fact I never touched or harmed her. We had a seperation prior to the divorce, I did everything I said I would and tried to work it out. She did nothing, made no changes and it was still my fault. I’m unemployed and hopeless as well as heartbroken. Don’t really know what to do or how to go on.

  58. My wife has left me after just nine months shevrefused to even let me try to fix things she was just bored and had starting taling anti deppressants she now pretty much ended all contact but still wants us to be friends my world is in turmoil where i often fall to my knees in tears and feel suicidal to end the pain how can i get myself out of this hole im sinking into before its too late 🙁

  59. Reading everyone’s posts have made me come to better terms with my break up. Thank you to everyone for that. I drove to my boyfriend yesterday, an hour away, just so he could confirm that his decision was for us to not be together. He asked me to wait last Wednesday because something I did that hurt him 2 years ago would not stop hurting him. I keep telling myself that it was 2 years ago, and that why should I be with a guy who cannot heal from 2 years ago. I know he is doing this for himself, and that it is best for us. He told me that he cannot continue our relationship knowing he is not giving me his love whole-heartedly. But he built a wonderful 2 year relationship around me, we were going to move in together next year. We have a dog, which I know sounds silly, but that dog represented a possible family. I knew though…we would hang out with other couples and he would not want to show any sign of being a couple. Yet I accepted his beautiful words about how we were held each other’s future…I believed him. And I truly did think we were happy. And he tells me this…that after 2 years, we are over because he did not handle what happened in my past when it happened. It’s sad because what I did – we were not even together at the time, we were only dating and he knew. I know in part it is my fault because then this would have never happened if I didn’t do what I did. Life…is life though, and I guess this is what is being dealt to me. I continue to pray that he will come back to me, and forgive me….and that we can start all over again after our hearts heal. We both have told each other we love one another, and that maybe there’s a possibility. Everyone else is telling me to not bet on it. I know soon, I will stop hoping for it, I just don’t know when yet…

    • Hey Donna, I realize that your post is about 6 years ago, but it is strikingly similar to what my wife and I have gone through.

      I hurt her through actions that I severely regret. I was poisoned by addiction to porn and I hid it from her while we were dating and at the beginning of our marriage. I opened up to her 3 years ago because I couldn’t live that way anymore and she deserved better. Unfortunately, she did not get the care she needed. She realizes now that she disconnected from me several years ago and gave up on us before I had a chance to fight for her. How… frustrating/disappointing/sad. I have since been 3 years sober, but it doesn’t make a difference to her. I broke her, and she does not want to heal together.

      We love each other, at least I think we do. I love her. My love grows more passionate every day, but it is too late. She asked for a divorce yesterday. She says she loves me, but she went on a couple of dates this past month (and kissed the guy twice) when we were undergoing a trial separation. I hurt for her. I am so scared for her future. With me or without me, I want her to be healthy and I am afraid she is going down a dark and dangerous path.

      We have a dog too. That dog is our child. And it rips me apart that the dog will no longer see one of us. The innocence. The dog had nothing to do with it, yet she suffers.

      How are you these days? I am overwhelmed by emotion today. How long did it take for joy/happiness/peace to return to you? I just need to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  60. My situation is unusual, but no less devestating. I was involved for 6 years in a long distance skype relationship. He was a younger man and we had so much in common. For six years we spoke nearly every day sharing every aspect of our lives. Thousands of hours of conversation… I have never been this close to anyone and probably never will. We had so much in common, and loved each other deeply. I still consider him my soulmate. Throughout the relationship he assured me the age difference was not an issue for him, and we made marraige and relocation plans. A couple months ago he became depressed and wasnt happy with the direction his life had taken but we were working through it, I thought. I supported him, encouraged him and we remained close. Suddenly three weeks ago he told me that I was living in a fairy tale and was unrealistic. He said that while he still loved me, he was no longer “in-love” and wanted his freedom. He said he “couldnt see himself introducing me as his wife”… that he’d decided I was too old for him. The shock and sadness are crushing. I am barely functioning. He began dating immediately and has had several sexual partners in these past three weeks. I am afraid I will never feel normal again. I feel betrayed, and question everything he ever told me. In addition now I feel old and ugly and weary. I cant let go of him and still love him completely. How can I survive loving someone so much who doesnt feel the same? And the kicker is, not only have I lost my love and my future, my best friend and confidante is gone as well.

  61. I left my husband for 3 months in 2010, when I returned he had an affair which showed up at our doorstep. My thoughts were that we were going to reconcile our marriage and he was going to stay committed as well. In the process of our reconciliation, he stayed out for two nights. I told him that was something I would not tolerate ever again and if he did, that would be the end of us. A month later, he did it again. I packed all of his clothes, changed the locks and put him out of the home. I asked him if we could talk to settle things and he was uninterested in resolving or closing anything. It’s been a week since I last saw him or heard from him. He has not called nor contacted our college age children. At this point, I think it is safe for me to just move on. I have cried my last tear and have realized that reconciliation is not for everyone. I am now moving on but want thoughts and ideas on which way to turn. I love him very much but it is obvious that the love is not returned. I am a strong beautiful woman and I know I will be able to heal from this. Just hope it’s a lot sooner than later. We were together for 15 years, married for 9. I know time is a factor, but I just want complete closure.

  62. My partner of 10 years broke up with me a month ago, I’m 27, and he’s 30. I feel like my life is over, each day feels like it is getting harder and harder. At first I was in shock, now I feel really down, I’ve cried everyday.
    Before Christmas we talked about having children, now he decides I’m not right for him, people say he could be having a early mid life crises. We had so many plans for the future.
    I just hope I can feel like myself again one day. I’m heart broken.

  63. I was in a 6 year relationship with my fiancee. She cheated on me when she was on vacation with a girlfriend. We have a 3 year old daughter, a house, dogs…

    I am so heartbroken, I can’t eat or sleep! We had a great life and now it’s gone. How could she do this to me? I NEVER cheated in 6 years… I hope the hurt will go soon.

  64. I have been in a relationship for 5yrs. I am currently going through the grieving process as I know that the relationship is coming to an end. We both care for each other we are each others best friends. Unfortunately, he is dealing with the financial debacle of his divorce which has him working two jobs to maintain child support and contends with a difficult ex. The stress of his life takes precedence in his world for the past year and we have been arguing more and more with less time we see each other. I have taken a back seat to his family, stress and world and at this point know it is no longer healthy for me. Although I know it must come to an end it is hard accepting and making the choice to let go for both of us. We used to talk about the future and no longer do. We have broken up once and I have offered my help in every aspect to support him through this time. He is a good man just not very good at relatioships, emotions and does not have a tremendous amount of compassion. I hurt and cry a lot and sit and am angry that I have taken a back seat the last 5yrs of my life. Yet at the same time I miss him everyday. I try so hard to go through each day but dreading it a little more each day as I know the distance is growing. I believe we both feel the same way. I am sad, angry and frustrated each day and I hope that the truth is that there is an end to the pain. Although it is not an official break up yet…I know it is inevitable as my needs have never been met and nor does he want to try. I am devastated…this is worse than my divorce and sometimes I think that its worse because clearly this is the first love after the divorce. I have survived a lot in my life and I know I will survive this as well but the thought of being alone for the next chapters in my life truly makes me anxious and sad. I hope someday the pain is less.

  65. I am only 3 days into my breakup. The breakup was much warranted, and much desired by me, but still very painful. We were talking the other night and ended up talking our way right out of our relationship. I actually said, “Wow! We’re breaking up, aren’t we?” For over an entire year, he was dishonest about the fact that he was emotionally incapable of really giving our relationship a real shot. He maintained a palpable protective wall/distance between us, that I foolishly tried to break through with lots of love and understanding – even some relationship counseling on my part, to try to understand him better. Last year, he broke up with me suddenly after 6 weeks in, before I had gotten too emotionally attached, but reeled me back after a week, stating that he had done a lot of thinking, etc. That was the only breakup till now. Unfortunately I fell very much in love with him (in spite of not really getting all of him), so even though I wanted to leave him MANY times, I just couldn’t do it. So, I became very vocal about my dissatisfaction/lack of fulfillment, etc. partially in an effort to enact change, and partially to force him to “put up or get out”. He stayed through it all, which made me feel he was comitted to making it work. He was faithful, and a very decent guy. I truly believe him when he said he tried. The problem is that he never got over his ex-wife dumping him for another guy a year before. Because he was admittedly “not an emotional kind of guy”, he never fully processed his emotions or his part in the breakup. He often mentioned that he could get closure, if he only knew what happened. But, she told him why she left. He just couldn’t accept it or the loss of the relationship. He didn’t grieve properly. I have learned that if someone says these things to you early on, listen to your radar/intuition. They are red flags that the person is not ready for another relationship, and you WILL get hurt, unless they resolve things. But that is unusual during a relationship with someone else. The counselor told me that also. The “walking wounded” cannot offer love to another until they are “complete” themselves. So, now I’ve had the “elephant on my chest” physical symptoms (mostly gone now), and running through the gamut of strong emotions. Hurts like hell, but I’m talking to friends, getting out, managing to carry on with my life; albeit kinda zombie like right now. Fortunately, he is so sweet, he comforted me during the night we broke up (held me while I cried like a baby), and into the next morning, till I went home. He said I could call him any time (I have twice), and we had coffee/conversation yesterday. I feel lucky, as it is very cathartic having his support. He really does feel bad, but he knows I wasn’t getting what I wanted/needed, and didn’t want me to hurt anymore. He wants to be friends when I’m ready, and if I can get over the strong feelings and reduce down to the friendship that we DO have for each other, I will resolve to be his friend. Don’t know how long the pain and separation anxiety will last. Boy, do I miss him! Reading these posts helps alot. I guess it’s a case of “misery loves company”. Cathartic. I am resolved to heal as fully as possible before entering another relationship, so as to not inflict any of MY emotional unavailability on anyone else until I get recovered and whole again.
    Hope you all will too. Stop the cycle, so to speak. 🙂

  66. I am one month into the ending of my second serious long-term relationship. We were together for over 3 years. The past year was the most ridiculous roller-coaster ride. I am struggling to undertand how love and passion can go so wrong, and how can love and toxic behavior exist together? I know the breakup was the best thing for both of us, and yet it is not easy to live without that person’s voice and influence. I cannot even fathom what the future looks like. But the advice on relationships having an “expiration date”…is the best thing I have come across. That helps. Its so true. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. I remember the pain of my first relationship (15 years and 3 kids) dying and the final end…I got thru it. At times the pain was so real it was difficult to breathe. But I lived and went on to love and be happy again. So that is the hope I have for myself in the future, without pressuring myself to be on any particular timetable. I know that this misery again won’t last forever. Its a process, don’t try to run & hide from it.

  67. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years. We were best friends.A few months ago he had something that had been eating at him so I prodded daily for him to get it off his chest. Boy was I sorry he did. He had decided that he wants to see what else might be out there for him.Yes there is a co-worker who happens to be going through the same “feelings” of what else there might be out there and he has grown feelings for her. He said he wanted something different in his life. So as I was dealing with this and went to stay with my sister for a few days, he called and left messages saying I dont know what I was thinking I want you. I want to find different with you. Again our daily life had been great up until that day. So I went home. One day I said I love you,he asked why? So I made a list of three of the reasons I loved him, one being because you have always told me the truth even tho you knew it would hurt. Well that sent him into another I cant do this.I lied thinking I could and now wants out. I am devistated. I cant seem to function. People are getting tired of me crying telling me “it happens every day”,”get over it”,”it will be OK”,”forget him,move on” etc. etc. I dont want to. I love him. I need him. I hate this. I have three grown children. My daughter 23 is sympethetic to her dad.Says she understand the need to be happy even if it hurts someone else,says she understands the confusion and I should just let it go and deal.One son 28 is angry at his father and is questioning all he ever taught him,says his dad will regret one day for doing this. My oldest 30 cant deal with his own emotions so he feels anger and kind of lost as well. I have said many hurtful things in my grief and I cry and cry.I dont know how to do this.Im scared and feel so alone. If I had a reason mabey I could get it but there is none. He just says “I dont know why”and the latest “I love you but Im not in love with you.”There is only one person who I shared everything with and its him. Im lost.

    • My husband said the same thing. After 24 years together he came home one day and dropped that bomb. Turns our he was having an affair with our closest friend’s wife. There’s always someone else. I hope you have found happiness.

  68. My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years. We were best friends. A few months ago he had something that had been eating at him so I prodded daily for him to get it off his chest. Boy was I sorry he did. He had decided that he wants to see what else might be out there for him. Yes there is a co-worker who happens to be going through the same “feelings” of what else there might be out there and he has grown feelings for her. He said he wanted something different in his life. So as I was dealing with this and went to stay with my sister for a few days, he called and left messages saying I don’t know what I was thinking I want you. I want to find different with you. Again our daily life had been great up until that day. So I went home. One day I said I love you, he asked why? So I made a list of three of the reasons I loved him, one being because you have always told me the truth even though you knew it would hurt. Well that sent him into another I can’t do this. I lied thinking I could and now wants out. I am devastated. I can’t seem to function. People are getting tired of me crying telling me “it happens every day”,” get over it”,” it will be OK”,”forget him, and move on” etc. etc. I don’t want to. I love him. I need him. I hate this. I have three grown children. My daughter 23 is sympathetic to her dad. Says she understand the need to be happy even if it hurts someone else, says she understands the confusion and I should just let it go and deal. One son 28 is angry at his father and is questioning all he ever taught him, says his dad will regret one day for doing this. My oldest 30 can’t deal with his own emotions so he feels anger and kind of lost as well. I have said many hurtful things in my grief and I cry and cry. I don’t know how to do this. I’m scared and feel so alone. If I had a reason maybe I could get it but there is none. He just says “I don’t know why “and the latest “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”There is only one person who I shared everything with and it’s him. I’m lost.

  69. Christene,
    I’m right where you are. Together 30 years and bang… all of a sudden he just wants out. This happened less than a week ago. I’m so lost, alone, confused, angry,sad… every emotion you can think of. Mostly I can’t stop crying. I am greiving so bad. I love him so much even though it has been a very ‘rough’ marriage. He has cheated twice that I know of and I was shattered beyond repair each time. I can’t believe I let him talk me into staying the last time. The pain was the worst thing you can imagine…. I had panic attacks..couldn’t breathe..felt violence and anger… But I stayed.. again… only to be dragged through the barbed wire again not 6 months after the last time. He says there’s no “other woman” but he doesn’t come home at night and I’m not allowed to ask him where he’s been!! He doesn’t bring his phone in the house… I haven’t been out of the house in months. I don’t drive… I depended on him for everything and now I have to go live with my sister and try to figure out how to put my life back together. alone… alone… so alone. Why do I love him so much… why doesn’t he love me? I was a very good wife. Very good. All his friends thought so.. told him so. But he stopped wanting to spend time with me. I have been so lonely and only want him to hold me. He put out his hand and said “friends?”… that hurt so deeply because he was my best friend for 30 years…How do I go on. I can’t imagine how… anger is better than the sadness… It makes me feel strong..I feel ready to live for me.. finally be happy. But then the sadness comes back and I just want him to hold me and call me his baby girl. I’m dying inside….

  70. alright so me and my gf have been going through some rough times…she lies to me…she flirts with other guys…i asked her to move skools so she can get out of my life and that way if i break up with her it would be easier becus im fed up of being hurt all the time im so over it, so i think its best if we just break up…she said to me that i mean everything to her and that she will love me forever…she drinks, she smokes behind my back after she promised me shes not guna do it anymore

  71. Maureen, I know exactly how you are feeling me and my partner of 10 years ended our relationship 2 days ago after a mutual decision that we had changed so much and had for the past year or so been best friends rather than a couple.
    Even though it was decided by both of us I am so scared and hurt by it, Like you my partner looked after me 100% as I have agoraphobia, So I don’t work, drive and I can’t do shopping or anything for myself. I am terrified not to have him as my comfort blanket and my friend.
    Even though I know deep down that it is right a part of me is screaming at myself to beg him to come back, that it wasn’t bad and how am I going to cope not seeing him everyday. He was truly my best friend he knew me better than I knew myself and I can’t see my life without him in it.
    I feel totally numb, I have no energy to shower, get dressed or even eat. I can’t believe I can endure this much pain and sorrow. I have nobody to really talk to about because my parents live in a different country and his sister is my best friend, and as lots of people do I’ve lost touch with most of my friends after being with him for so long. We were together since we were 14 and I don’t know how to function without him.

  72. I’m on day 3 of the real break up. The words came 6 months ago. We were only together 3 years and never married, so I feel somewhat stupid after reading all of the previous comments.

    She was never happy with me and I knew it. She wanted to love me, but sometimes, I think you just can’t fall in love with someone, no matter how great the person may seem. In January, I broke up with her, not because I wanted to, but because she needed to have the chance to be happy.

    No matter how nice I was to her, somehow, I knew I could never make her happy. Still we hung out together all of the time. The “relationship” had ended as had the physical aspect of things, but it sure was nice having a best friend around.

    I went on dates, she didn’t. The girls I went out with, they weren’t right for me. How could they be, I was still in love with my ex…also I think had I not been in love, they still wouldn’t have been right for me.

    3 days ago she met someone. She thinks it’s best if I don’t see her as much anymore, possibly not at all.

    This breaks my heart. The loss of the friendship is the real break up. I no longer have my best friend, my lunch buddy, my tv watching partner. I am lonelier now than ever.

    I have been in similar situations in the past, but this was the first girl I wanted to marry, quite possibly the first girl I ever loved. She was kind and gentle and helped me to grow in so many ways. I want nothing more for her to say “i get it now, you are fantastic” but I know that won’t happen.

    I haven’t eaten in 3 days. I have slept a total of 6 hours. Falling asleep is painful and I shake and sweat the whole night.

    I want this to go away. I want to feel ok with myself.

    • Hey Kevin, my name is also Kevin.

      I know how you feel! The nights are the worst. Shaking and sweating. I just miss being able to cuddle up to my wife. I miss the nights when we would wake up in the middle of the night and talk but not make any sense because we were mostly asleep. But it is time for me to let go. I am not afraid of divorce. I am just heart-broken.

  73. I am about 10 years older than my wife and have had a pretty rocky marriage. I am laid back and she is a go getter.
    before xmas she said she wanted out of the marriage due to a misunderstanding but we she has been shut down from me for over a year. She went out with some friends and had fun and now wants to live the fun life. The only problem is that we have a house a son and a life together that she abandoned so I feel lost at times. I love my son but on the days I dont have him feel lonely. She is living it up, getting tattoos and going out all the time but I am not into that. I know it would never work again but still feel lonely not having that person with me in my life and having a family. I also have a lot of anger from her leaving because she blamed me for everything when in reality she just wanted to be free to do her things with her friends. I was hoping I would lose 20 lbs after the break up due to being upset but acutally gained weight. everyone says go out and do things to get over it but it doesnt help. time will heal all I guess. Love is so short forgetting so long! I do blame myself because she always said she wanted more affection like touching and hugging etc and I should have done it because I loved her so much and thats what I wanted to, but I didnt and you cant go back in time!. We were always on different wave lengths so it is probably good we are not together anymore. Anyways I should be happy I am free but it doesnt always work out like that and the women I have dated want to start a relationship but it never feels right!. Good luck to all you guys and gals I feel your pain in your writings!

  74. I ve been married to my husband for two years dated for three , we have relocated to another state because of my job. He is self employed working on homes our old state ! He refuse to give our new state a chance asfar as work for three years every month and a half he leaves me and go back to our old state work doing odd and end jobs that barely pay anything ! I have two kids that would like to look up to him but he s always gone ! I have had to deal with custody battles , funerals , cancelled family trips at the last minute by myself. My marriage has no stability.Today he left without any notice so I told him I am filing for a divorce and would mail the papers to him ! Iam devastated , embarrased , sad hurt , depressed. I work full time and go to school full time with no support ! I just want the pain to end

  75. 30 years in a what i thought was a perfect relationship. Gone. Cant cope. Hurts so bad. This wont get better.

  76. I’m so confused right now i dont know what to do. Me and my ex have been together for almost six years. When we first got together she had a daughter i had no kids. I practically helped raise her daughter and now even look at her as my own even though now we have a child together now. I helped her go through nursing school holding down working two jobs for over a year. We had a lot of ups and downs but i never thought it would get to the point of no return. We got into over vaccuming the floor petty i know but that is what caused the split. Later to find out that she has been feeling this way for a while telling all here friends but not letting me know how she was feeling. It is messed up because i dont have a place to go unless i go to my mothers house and she doesnt have anyone to watch the kids because of her busy schedule she is going back to school and working. So we are currently living together but we are not together a very awkward situation considering i know that she is already talking to other men and that there is nothing i can do about it. I cant sleep right can’t eat right have no one to talk to about the whole situation because i tend to keep a lot of stuff bottled up. I have been through breakups before but this one just seems like it is killing me softly. I have to find the strenght from somewhere to go on but it is so hard so hard. I just feel like this is the last opportunity to ever have a real legit family and it is just slipping away.

  77. My wife and I split 2 and a half months ago. It has been very painful. Shock, deinal, regret, anger, sadness and lonliness are many of the emotions I have been feeling since it occured.

    Recently, I have had to travel to care for my mother who is recovering from surgery. During my visit, I met a great women. However, from what I gather the best things for me right now are time and space. Thanks for the advice.

    • That’s right, Brad. Time and space so you can let some of that emotional dust settle a bit is always a good thing. Hang in there!

      All the best, Carolyn

  78. It’s been three weeks since my fiance broke up with me. We were supposed to get married in November. The entire relationship was a rollar coaster and spanned three states and six years. I flew 2000 miles west to find a job and we were planning to relocate as soon as Grad School started. I helped him stop using drugs, attain his high school diploma (10 years post graduation) and encouraged him to get a certification through his work to make more money. His alcohol abuse ceased only after I left one year into our relationship and relocated 1200 miles south. He’d threaten to break my belongings and would kick me out. I even took him back after two affairs… then when it’s my turn to suffer, he bails. I lost my job and discovered I have a disease that caused me to redirect but not give up on my dreams. After five years of holding him up, forgiving him and motivating him, my six month hiatus from independence caused him to break down and break up.

    I got the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. His family has never liked the fact I took their baby (youngest child) five states away and that he didn’t rely on his family solely for advice, opinions, care-taking anymore. He said I’d never get along with his family (translation mom) and it was toxic to our relationship. So suddenly after six years, you decide a month before marriage and cohabitating, our relationship is toxic. What a cowardly thing to do, to wait while I am 2000 miles away to break up with me via a text.

    So now I sit with nothing but the clothes I flew with and he has the apartment, pets, MY car and a new girl. Being the primary account holder does help me verify and examine phone records. So me, the unemployed one, in a scholarly transition has to invent money for a place to live and a means to lock up my belongings so he cannot benefit from the furniture I BOUGHT… and yet, I want him back. My grief seems irrational. I forgave him for so much and should have been the one to break up with him, yet when I think things are fine, he cuts the ties. He still wants to be friends which would be too painful for me. Why be friends when I do the giving and you get the taking? Because he needs me. I was his best friend. Why cheat on and lie to a best friend? I asked him why I was his best friend when he didn’t even treat me like a friend in the first place.

    The last few weeks have been ones of autopilot yet college interviews surface and jobs are still sought. I spend the rest of my day in bed. I think of the unfulfilled dreams and missing routines, of my stuff being touched by another woman of my precious pets wondering why I have been gone so long. The sad thing is everyone thinks he is the gentlest, kindest creature but I was the recipient of such harsh treatment. Why? He said he has higher standards for me.

    Reading these comments has helped. I am not alone. When friends/family remind me how bad it was and how irrationally beautiful my cracked mind sketches him to be, my heart remembers glimpses of the person I wanted beside me for life, my soulmate. I know I need to move on and it is hard when my belongings are in two states 2000 miles apart. It’s hard when he left at a time when he was all I had. It’s hard when I helped him through so much and he couldn’t outlast the hurdle I was crawling over. It makes me wonder if he ever loved me in the first place and helps me understand it takes two to feed a relationship, and not just one. The awful part is, in his calm collected demeaner he wishes the best for me and all I want is for him to suffer like I am.

  79. Dear Maureen and Christine,
    I just found this website and read your posts. Im in a similar situation. I have been married to my best friend for 21 years and im 50 years old. He had his first affair 6 yrs ago, because he felt our relationship was over, asked me to forgive him and I did. I found out that during a 7 week business trip last fall he had another affair for the same reason. Now he says we need to divorce because ‘he fears’ i wont be able to forgive the 2nd affair. Thats a cop-out for him. It’s his way of making me feel guilty and im not resposibile for his actions or his happiness. He isnt happy with himself then no one, not me or anyone he meets in a bar, online or anywhere will make him happy with himself. He needs counseling but again, thats his call not mine. Im in couseling because i want to come out of this a better person for me and no frozen by my devastation. Dont take responsibilty for someone elses decisions, dont let them dictate your happiness.

    There are many details im leaving out but my point is ‘why’ should i forgive him a second time? Obivoulsy when he thinks our relationship is over, he immediately looks to replace me, which he does. That slams my self esteem in the dirt and I deserve better than that. This is not the actions of someone who believes you are their best friend. He cant blame me for everything and take no responsibility for his own actions. He has no boundaries. Either by choice or by his own emotional journey. He feels shame but it’s still easier to blame me than look in the mirror himself.

    Im no saint but i didnt ever indulge (that’s my term) in another person to make me feel better about myself while im married, i still havent and even if i did, it wont work. We have to be happy with ourselves and love ourselves. Im just learning that. Im not healed, Im broken but im trying to see that with closure of the divorce (within the next month, i pray) that i will be able to look at the future i thought WE had as over but that i still have a future to live without him.

    I hope the same for everyone one on this site that is going thru the pain of a relationship dying. It doesnt mean you are dead too.

    Peace to you all, I find most of mine in Jesus and looking at him as my new best friend. That’s my answer and I hope you find yours too.

  80. We have just been married 5 months ago (thankfully it was more of a religious ceremony than an official legal marriage). In fact we just came back from our “honeymoon” a few days ago. But alas, today we made the decision to end the relationship.

    We have been together for almost 3 years and during these times, it has been very difficult but we continued to give each other a chance hoping that things will get better or improve but it seems to get worse each time until now, the the last straw!

    I wanted try to leave him before but I went back because there was a lot of guilt.

    Predominantly because I am the only one in his life and supporting him financially. He has thrown away all the relationships he has had with his family and friends – since he is the type that doesn’t forgive or forget. So you know now why this relationship is not working for me.

    It is painful but it is something we have to go through with. At least this time, it was his own initiative. Deep down in my heart, i know the best for both of us is to not be together because we are both making each other miserable.

    Especially now when he has some money in the bank I don’t have to feel guilty about leaving him high and dry. I know that it is all good for the future but I hate to go through the healing process. And I hate to tell the people that has warned me that this relationship is no good as they will say, “I told you so”…

    On top of that, we had just moved to another country to start a new live but I will be left behind to sort out all the logistics as he can easily pack up and leave.

    The only comfort I know is that I still have friends and family I can count on to support me in these difficult times. But he doesn’t and pride will not allow him to walk away peacefully and amicably as I would have liked. I would have loved to offer him my utmost support but as I have mentioned, he doesn’t forgive or forget…

  81. What do you do when your heart feels empty? My best friend broke up with me 8 months ago. He was everything to me. We laughed, danced, did everything together. I think about him often and all the things that could’ve been. I never knew my heart and soul could hurt so bad. I recently found out he moved on with another girl. This made me sick all over again. I wake up in the morning filled with the worst dread possible. I look at the clock wishing and praying I could turn back time to the nights we used to lay in bed and laugh. We never had a bad time but I guess he decided I wasn’t enough. It’s funny how you can go from total bliss to a complete nightmare in less time than it takes to say “we need to talk”. I hope to one day fill the void that plagues me everyday. Unfortunately, we can’t make people love us. If that was the case, we would be walking through the park holding hands like we used to. If anyone reads this, know you are not alone. I feel your despair. Maybe, one day I can love again.

  82. 18 years since I was 18, him 21. Hard starts in life made us move in and get serious maybe a little too quickly. But we’re magic together, like kids on a first date, always have been. His touch, electric, our mouths, the cosmos. He always called me beautiful, told me he loved me, the sex is consistenly fantastic. Times got really tough about a year ago (family deaths, real estate, financial and job crises) and he decided he didn’t like his life. Cheated on me a couple of times (mildly), probably testing the waters. Turned 41, now he has moved out but wants to “stay in my life” but doesn’t want us to be “living our lives for each other.” I’m still completely in love with him just like when I was 18, and without him the whole world has lost its color, nothing is enjoyable. I don’t want this life, even though I’m now living it for me and its pretty great. I am 37, beautiful, smart, popular, and successful. And I don’t want it. I don’t want anything but him. What will happen when next I see him, my favorite person and the most beautiful creature on the planet?

  83. Hi,

    I have recently (3 days ago) ended my relationship of 2 years. I am only 19 and I moved in with him after 8 months of being his girlfriend. At the time I was loving life – spending time with him, travelling with him and having my best friend with me whenever I needed him. I also felt grown up and ready to settle down. I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with him.

    A couple of months ago I started to feel out of place, I kept thinking that everything happened so soon and I was too young to be living with someone. Every day I pushed those feelings to one side because I hoped that our love would, kind of, take over my craving of freedom and wanting to act my age.

    He is 10 years older than me and he was married before me, I had asked him if he would ever get married again and the reply I would get was “no, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a piece of paper.” I was crushed by this as I have always dreamed of, one day, getting married and potentially to him.

    So, 2 weeks ago I began to confide in a friend who told me that I have to do what I think is right. I have to do what will make ME happy and after much consideration – I told him that I wanted to move back in with my parents, but still be together as GF and BF. After 3 days of realising what I had started and how much I wanted to go out into the world, enjoy being young and find out who I am; I broke up with him.

    I was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because I love him so much but I know that being in a relationship and/or living with someone is holding me back from discovering myself. He cried. I haven’t been able to stop crying, I can’t concentrate at work and i’m not eating properly. I am consumed with guilt that he is alone, sad, confused and maybe more.

    I haven’t seen him in 3 days and probably won’t see him until after Christmas. How do I cope with the guilt? I feel I have done what is best for me but I just need some advice on how to get over him, and make me realise that he will get over it and move on even though I can’t see that happening at the moment, for either of us.

    Please help
    Lost and confused

  84. I have been in a marriage for 4 years now. We were together for almost 10 years in all. I have never left him. But he has left me several times and other woman were involved. I was willing to forgive him for all the wrong he did by cheating. Then I realized he cheated for a reason. I am having a very hard time getting over this last split because of the way he ended it. I feel alone and like I’m in a nightmare that won’t end. Everyday It’s like it happens all over again. I have 3 children that are not his. He had 2. We had a very big family and financially it was hard at times. I am a junior in college. I worked several jobs through out the marriage but he was unhappy with those choices. I am still in school, trying to hang in there. But I am the type of person to hold my feelings in. I has been six months since we split up. Out of those he came back for two months. It comes now we are getting a divorce. He filed six months ago but didn’t go through with it until now. I guess by him making the choice to go ahead with it makes me feel like he never loved me enough to stay and try. I feel like I am nothing to him and that is what bothers me the most. I just want to feel normal again. I believed in him so much and I guess I lost how to believe in myself.

  85. My husband and I were having problems and decided to go to Marriage Counselling. It was clear to me, and the counsellor, that my husband had no idea about what was reasonable in terms of his expectations as he had grown more selfish and determined as the years rolled by.

    After we agreed to separated we lived in the same house and continued to share the same bed for about 6 months but nothing changed so eventually I moved to another part of the house while we sorted out our property ultimately selling the house I now live in.

    He is in his early 60s and I am in my early 50s.

    We had been together for 10 years and whilst it was my decision to end the relationship I was devastated when less than two months after he left the house (during which time I saw or heard from him almost every day) he announced that he had met a woman on the internet and was very keen on her. He told me because he was taking her to dinner with a couple we were very close to, to one of our favourite restaurants. It got worse when a couple of days later he told me he had been to see a number of our friends and told them we were separated and he was seeing someone new. Very few people even knew we were separated and were shocked that he had moved on with such passion so quickly. I feel humiliated as he flaunts this woman all over town and I live in a relatively small town. I thought I would be glad when we were no longer living together but I was devastated that he had moved on so quickly. I felt that the time we had spent together meant nothing to him. I truly believed that we would be friends. However, he has done everything he can to ensure that we are not even acquaintances. He has lied about money and refused to pay out on our agreed settlement.

    At the start of the grieving process I slept little, eat nothing and felt anxious. But over a relative short period of time I have grown stronger I feel that I do have a life without him and that it is his loss all around.

    I will share an example of his behaviour as I think it says a lot about him and how he treated me. This happened four weeks into his new relationship: he sent me an email telling me he was down the coast for the weekend with his new ‘friend’ and asked if I could go and pick up the newspapers from his front lawn. He clearly thinks I am a door mat. I was compliant during our marriage as I wanted him to be happy but he abused that.

    I have done what I had to do to move beyond the hurt and humiliation. I have bought a new house and am returning to full-time work. I still love him even though he has behaved very badly. I am using the THRIVE principle and know it is working for me.

    I sometimes wonder about him, and his well-being, as he did not go through any grieving process.

    I feel grateful that I have had loving support from my friends and family and from his two grown sons. I do all I can to keep negative talk about him to a minimum and feel that by remaining quiet I am letting his actions speak for themselves.


  86. What an incredible thread!! It is like a community journal that others can look upon to share their grief. The pain is not likely to subside entirely or (most of it) all that soon, mine like all of yours is result of real and deep loss. I do think reading these accounts and knowing the depth of pain so many other souls bare, has jump started my recovery. I think its likely this open journal of assorted despair may have or will someday serve to save one or more lives. Keeping someone from taking one step too many over the edge of despair. In the last several days I have agreed to separate from my wife of just over three years. I am 43 and we have the most lovely 20 month old daughter. We will raise her in these most formative stages as if we were a couple, but the dreams of a lifelong union are just that, dreams… beautiful and not quite real. The romantic aspect flamed out earlier than I would have liked and widened some cracks that I deemed repairable. My wife, who is undoubtedly the best friend I’ve ever had and an incredibly loving mother (which makes this all the harder and sadder) projects personality-wise and professionally like very few humans I’ve ever encountered. I was smitten immediately. As was she. No one got me or “it” like she did/does still. Personally she admits ,even declares outwardly she is needy emotionally and looks for near constant affirmation. Her sexuality, and she is far from alone, is deeply tied to this. When she got pregnant, a slightly cooled sex-life became stone cold. Not her fault. Partly I did not want to engage her that way because the act “feels” wrong in the direction of the fetus and partly because weight/body issues suppressing my natural desire. The absolute wrong response to an admittedly needy pregnant woman you love. Sovdqs

  87. What an incredible thread!! It is like a community journal that others can look upon to share their grief. The pain is not likely to subside entirely or (most of it) all that soon, mine like all of yours is result of real and deep loss. I do think reading these accounts and knowing the depth of pain so many other souls bare, has jump started my recovery. I think its likely this open journal of assorted despair may have or will someday serve to save one or more lives. Keeping someone from taking one step too many over the edge of despair. In the last several days I have agreed to separate from my wife of just over three years. I am 43 and we have the most lovely 20 month old daughter. We will raise her in these most formative stages as if we were a couple, but the dreams of a lifelong union are just that, dreams… beautiful and not quite real. The romantic aspect flamed out earlier than I would have liked and widened some cracks that I deemed repairable. My wife, who is undoubtedly the best friend I’ve ever had and an incredibly loving mother (which makes this all the harder and sadder) projects personality-wise and professionally like very few humans I’ve ever encountered. I was smitten immediately. As was she. No one got me or “it” like she did/does still. Personally she admits ,even declares outwardly she is needy emotionally and looks for near constant affirmation. Her sexuality, and she is far from alone, is deeply tied to this. When she got pregnant, a slightly cooled sex-life became stone cold. Not her fault. Partly I did not want to engage her that way because the act “feels” wrong in the direction of the fetus and partly because weight/body issues suppressing my natural desire. The absolute wrong response to an admittedly needy pregnant woman you love. I had begun losing the woman I love and the physical aspect became nonexistent. Obviously it was foolish to think two people can overcome anything together just because one of them believes it absolutely. I was told, warned, begged to give and space (physically and sexually) with no guarantee that she could come back into the fold mentally and emotionally. This was a series of conversations about a year ago. I promised to be available for her when/if (only when in my mind) she came around. Fast forward another year and another series of conversations and passing the expiration date the above poster so aptly described, we are facing the dissolution of a marriage that I believed to be unassailable. She has found comfort in the arms and bed of another. I am angry that she could put that pursuit of happiness and fulfillment, real or perceived, fleeting (again) or finally lasting above what we had and still have as a fledgling family. We will be friends and at times that will bring a closeness and longing that hurts, but my daughter has to have consistency, true warmth eminating from both parents and every chance to make it adjusted and happy in this f’d up world. So despite our creation of an incredible daughter, indescribable closeness as friends, and an overwhelming commitment to making our marriage work… It won’t. And yet our underlying relationship, for our daughter’s sake must.

  88. Im finding my break up really difficult. I have been with my partner for 13 years now and we have 2 beautiful children. For the pass 4 year we have been off more than on but things have changed with us so much. We just dont seem to be able to get through it i consently think hes lying and hiding something from my and i know he is cause i know him that well i can tell when hes lying but he does it over silly little things when it comes to the big thing that matter i trust him i just dont understand why he lies over stupit things.

    He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and i have alway included his children in all i can including holidays abroad but when ever i wanted to do anything as a family just with my own kids it was a battle and easier not too.

    I cooked for him cleaned for him looked after him finacially and always tryed to get him to go out but over the year he lost his friends and depended on me for everyting it was like having another kids.

    I know im no angel but i just feel as though ive lost my best friend my soul mate but it has to end and end for good we aint doing each other any favours. It just hurts so much that i have to be the one to ask him to leave even though i dont know where he is going to go

    What am i to do?

  89. I just physically separated from my spouse after 6 years of marriage and being together for 11 years total. I don’t know what happened but we relocated and it has been very challenging to say the least of all the issues that have spiraled out of control. We still love each other deeply and have an irreversable bond but we just can’t seem to communicate. He doesn’t talk but his actions say a whole lot. Towards the end, I know he has been either talking to other women and even going out with someone because of how he has changed his appearance and demeanor towards me.

    He moved out but didn’t return my key. Not that he would have made a copy. He let himself back into my place when I wasn’t there and my child (we have no children together) caught him there. I know he was shocked to see that I had already replaced the furniture he took (living room).

    He didn’t call me or let me know he was coming over but I felt violated. I don’t know where he lives or anything. He won’t tell me or give me his address.

    I don’t know what to make of it as I feel cheated and betrayed. I left my entire family and uprooted my children to support him with transferring to another location.

    I have a great job, friends and church home but I feel so alone and lost. I’m trying to stay in prayer but I just don’t understand or know how I’m going to come out of this. I don’t know if we will ever reconnect.

    I see it all over his face and demeanor that he really loves me and hates what’s happened but when he talks to his friends or whoever he’s just the opposite. It’s like he’s torn. I continue to pray for him but I just need an understanding, resolution and closure.

    I miss him dearly and can’t imagine my life without him. But if I had to I would accept it and try to move on. I don’t have a lot of family (one person that I have a real relationship with) so I feel like I am going through this solo. This is the most difficult fight of my life and I have kids to take care of.

    I’m so broken and feel defeated.

  90. Can anyone recommend a good book on relationship break ups.. dealing with love and loss? I wish the author of this blog would write a book. Good stuff and very helpful to a guy who in the first six months of 2012 has lost his job, his mom, his gf who was “the one”, and had to turn down a job after a move, only to move again to be with his mom. I could write a country album and have a bonus disk. :/

  91. Hi I am 27 years old and just recently broke off an engagement! It was choice to do so so obviously I’m on the bad end! Everything was great and about 2 weeks into our engagement she found out he was pregnant! I was super excited! She was super devistated! She hated me for it and pretty much put all the balmy on me! Everyone knows thy it takes 2 to have a baby but she was just so torn for being pregnant out of wedlock that she didn’t know how to deal with it! Not only that it was a high risk pregnancy and she could miscarriage any day! So because of the stress of the high risk pregnancy she wanted to move back home to have the support of her family to help her through all this! Well she put in her resignation at her job where she was making really good money and enjoyed it! And I went ahead and moved back home to find me another job and get a place cause he was going to move in her parents house! Well a week before she comes home she has the miscarriage! So now she has to mo e home and live at her parents unemployed after being able to take care of herself since she graduated college 5 years ago! At this point were still together and I’m kind of thinking that she might break it off but then again I’m saying no way she will want todo that she asked me to move her, and shes not pregnant anymore! So we can get back on track to planning the wedding and living our life! But after 1 week of being here she calls it off and gives me the ring back! I found a job signed a 1 year lease with a apartment and Im alone! What friends I sti have here they are happily married or engaged to be married our have kids! I feel stuck and there’s no way I can get over and be able to move on with my life if I don’t have a life! I feel like I didn’t everything he wanted me todo and now it’s beating me in the butt! I’m so depressed I feel like its all my fault,cause she blames me for where she it at now! I don’t feel like I will ever get fully over this situation cause i still want to be with her and I feel she broke it off just cause life got a little tough not because someone cheated or just doesnt love the other person! I know if she would never gotten pregnant we would still be planning a wedding! What do I do??? I literary can’t stop thinking about what it could have been and just thinking about her! I have people in the community that know us asking me and telling me congrats in the engagement! Everything it a constant reminder of what it could of been!! I feel so lost and so gone from all this that I don’t think I will ever be right again! I feel like the next woman that comes into my life will be number 2! 2nd chance to life with someone! Also I don’t know if I can love her the right way cause I’ll always compare her to this one! I need help I cant do it alone and I need some guidance! Is it truly my fault? How do I take my mind off everything and get some good solid sleep! Please let me know what I can do to help myself during this time!

  92. My ex-girlfriend of four years recently broke up with me about two months ago. Although it is getting easier as time passes, when I see her around or see pictures of her, the pain is still there. We are both younger (I’m 25, she’s 23) and some of the main reasons we broke up was because she said I was boring and she needed her space. I agree with her, I was very clingy and boring at times. But I am also in graduate school working towards a PhD so my time is mostly spent in labs, teaching, or doing something research-related. I have a bunch of friends who are clinical psychologists and have been in therapy so I have had a lot of professional advice. No matter how much I talk to them though, I still miss her so much. I focused so much on school and working towards our future that I lost sight of the day to day life. Eventually this work-driven lifestyle got the best of us and she called it quits.

    The thing that sucks the most is that no matter how hectic school got and what was going on in my life, I thought it would all be worth it because I would have her with me after it passed. Losing that “crutch” in my life now is crippling at times. I just honestly don’t ever think I can be with someone again and go through this pain all over. I mean I have been working out like 5-6 days a week, doing well in school, talking to other girls, meeting new people, but still she’s the only girl I want to be with some days. I just really want to be happy again. I have this terrible fear of getting my doctorate and working my life away by myself.

    Similar to others’ posts on here, I just feel lost and broken…

  93. my partner of 10 years told me he was leaving me, and it was such a shock came out of the blue. we have a 2 year old and a 8 year old, and the pain and anger i feel is horrible. ive done the begging him for another chance, the ringing him just to hear his voice, now im angry.he says it was crap at the end and was over for months before he left, well i never seen it coming, the best thing for me to move on is have no contact with him at all. i have blocked him on social networks i have a certain time for him to ring so my kids can say goodnite, and his parents fetch the kids to see him and when i feel like i can face him without the emotions then i will, but this is whats helping me and when it comes to things with the kids by then we will be able to discuss it without all the screaming and hurt

  94. As of this week, I am getting separated and going through a divorce soon. I have been together 8 years, married 6 years, and do have a child in the marriage. Two years ago I caught my wife cheating on the internet, and she downplayed it like it was just online flirting (which still isn’t OK). She also told me that the relationship ended then. Roughly 8 months ago one of her former coworkers saw me and was surprised we were still married. They also explained that she was having sex with him (the guy from the chat log I found). I confronted her with this months ago, and we decided to go to counseling. She said she was telling me the truth by saying it was only 1X and all kinds of other lies. Earlier this week I found out that the affair was going on over a year, and that it was even going on after she said she ended it. I have done nothing but work hard to provide, get through our issues, and be true to my wife. That is why I decided to leave; I refuse to accept treatment like this. I also feel I have earned the right to the truth, but feel like I will never get that closure. How do I deal with this person to raise our child? I don’t want to take my kid’s mom away in any respect, but I also feel like she is going to manipulate this divorce/coparenting situation as well. Thanks for the advice on how to get through the pain. I loved her with all my heart, and should take pride in the pain I am feeling because it shows how much I cared.

  95. For the past 4 years I’ve spent my time in a very loving, but dysfunctional, relationship. My spouse and I have never fallen out of love and have always had amazing sexual chemistry. Throughout our entire relationship his issues and his life always came first. About 6 months ago I had finally had enough and told him it was time I moved out, and I did. I was so exhausted from being put to the back burner and feeling I had completely sacrificed my life without ever having him sacrifice in return. After 4 years of living together we still “went dutch” on groceries. Do you know how embarrassing it is to go to the grocery store after 4 years and say to the cashier “$52.65 on his card and $52.65 on mine please”.

    After 4 years we lived separate lives, but together… if that makes any sense. I had given him plenty of opportunities to seek professional help with me to deal with his commitment issues so that we could finally blend our lives. His idea of commitment is being with someone for an extended amount of time, mine is blending your life with someone and giving them all of you.

    When I decided to move out, he promised me the world. He swore he would try and be more giving, appreciative, positive minded, and that he would attend therapy with me. Fast forward 6 months, still living apart, empty promises and none of the above had been accomplished. I told him that I couldn’t continue on with a relationship where I’m not appreciated for the things I do, and that I deserved to be committed to. The next day he told me that he can’t give me what I deserve and he believes I’m a much better person than him and that I deserve so much better, and that he can’t keep making me sad and unhappy.

    This is the most confusing feeling I’ve ever had. I don’t know how two people who are so connected and in love can just “move on”. I don’t know what steps to take in a situation like this. I know he’s doing this because of insecurities and because ending it is just easier than changing old way. Yesterday this was the man I imagined spending the rest of my life with and today we’re both just alone.

    How do I cope?

  96. I am going through a very bad time with my wife of 15 years (been together 20 years), it culminated with her telling me last year that she did not love me and wanted to leave me, over the next few months she told me twice that she wanted a divorce. I have since come across dashcam footage where she has been really nasty about me with her friends and family (+ other things) and although I love her with every fibre of my body, I do not know if we can really reconcile or if she really wants to reconcile.

    We have 2 kids (9 and 19) and the 9 year old will be devastated. I work away just now (due to long commute) and she uses this as an excuse to blank me when I am not at home. The pain of not being with her through the week is horrific, it is also easy for her to be nasty on the end of a phone. I then have the thought of not knowing what each weekend will bring, whether she’ll say she is moving out or that everything is great. Up and down all the time – a bit like my emotions.

    She is hyper critical of my actions and massively forgiving of her own and point blank refuses to admit she has done anything wrong.

    This forum has helped me realise that I am not alone and although most of you are US based (I am UK), I know other people out there are going through the same as me.

    Why does it have to be so hard..?

  97. I just ended a relationship with someone that I am currently 5 months pregnant with his daughter. I love him more than ive ever loved anyone,but I prayed to God and submitted to me , let him go hes not good for you. Im so heartbroken i dont know what to do hes very connected with my family too. My sister whom passed away over a year ago was his best friend. I dont want to have to see him with anyone else. Im dying please help.